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Uncensored Running Diary: Southern Miss Postgame

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Pat Janssen is back to give his uninterrupted and unfiltered thoughts on the Mike Riley press conference following the Southern Miss game.

Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY Sports

There seems to be a pallor hanging over Nebraska and its fan base, and I know just the cure. The return of our unedited press conference running diary! Truth be told, I meant to do one of these after each of the season's previous games, but 1.) I was drunk and depressed after the BYU game 2.) I was in Seattle celebrating my birthday during the South Alabama game and 3.) I was drunk and depressed after the Miami game.

Tonight, I'm significantly less drunk and marginally less depressed, so let's do this thing! As always, these are my unfiltered and uncensored thoughts while watching Mike Riley's press conference. If you want to follow along, you can do so here. Take it away, Coach!

0:00: Because I'm not watching the press conference live, I get to watch a Nebraska Department of Roads commercial before it starts. Apparently, we as a state need reminded not to run people over now. If one of you Facebook warriors runs down Coach Riley on his way back to the Embassy Suites, I will not hesitate to go all Liam Neeson on your asses!

0:01: Coach looks, dare I say, angry? Have we broken him already?

0:03: Quote #1: "Alright, well." Nope, same old folksy Coach. Love this guy.

0:05: "I guess it's really true. It's never easy." I take it back. I think he might actually be angry. Look at what we've done! Goddamnit, Mark Banker, fix this!

0:43: Speaking of not capitalizing in the red zone: "It seems like those things are sometimes destined to come back and haunt you." If there's one thing you can learn from your predecessor, Coach, it's that yes, things can most definitely come back and haunt you.

1:27: Coach just tapped his fist into his palm. That might be about as demonstrative as he gets, but he is very Mike Riley-level demonstrative right now. He's not mad, but he's pretty disappointed in the team's red zone offense. It's like he caught the red zone offense drinking beer and trying to sneak into the house after midnight.

1:33: Coach just turned on a dime to praise Drew Brown.

1:37: And he just turned off that dime.

1:38: Time for questions! I'm laying 2:1 odds on Dirk asking the first question.

1:41: Hand to God, I had no prior knowledge that Dirk was actually going to ask the first question. When I heard that nasally voice, it was the most excited I've been for a non-Stanly Morgan-related moment in a long time.

1:42: "How hard did you make it on yourselves?" That was the question you couldn't wait to ask? I've got a whole list of better questions I would ask Coach.

1.) Do you ever wish you had more than three guys on the depth chart at defensive end and linebacker who were given scholarships out of high school to play their current positions?
2.) Is Alex Lewis pissed that Nick Gates topped him in penalty yardage today?
3.) Would you like to go to Lazlo's for a burger and a beer after this is all over?

2:15: When I was in college, I used to eat dinner with my grandparents every week. One night about 10 years ago, I had to cancel at the last minute. The look of disappointment and sadness that my grandma gave me that evening looked awfully similar to the look Coach just gave when talking about all of the penalties today.

2:20: "We had some suprisingly interesting calls, I thought." I think this is the Mike Riley equivalent to waving a hat in the referees face and spraying spittle in a red-faced rage.

2:45: Coach compares Nebraska's situation today to that of Miami's last week. I get it, but please, please, PLEASE don't ever compare us to Miami ever again, Coach.

3:30: It took three minutes and thirty seconds for someone to bring up Andy Janovich's name? This seems surprisingly late in the press conference considering the massive flooding caused by the state's collective orgasm over the fullback getting the ball.

3:45: Apparently Janovich had potentially the best special teams game Riley had ever seen last week. Is Janovich able to put that on a job resume or something?

4:17: Coach isn't sure that the fullback will be able to get that many touches in the future. The statewide orgasm has been rescinded.

4:25: Have you ever wanted to hear two whole minutes describing kickoff return formations? Well, have I got a treat for you!

7:55: Go ahead and say it Coach! That was a chickenshit call on the pass interference against Josh Kalu!

7:57: "I don't know. It's one of those calls."

8:20: Did Coach just forget Chris Weber's name? It took him nearly four seconds to spit his name out.

8:33: Coach said Marcus Newby "pulled a groin." A phrase that never stops being funny.

8:41: I think I've figured out a pattern with Coach Riley. The longer he holds his Aquafina bottle up to his mouth while listening to your question, the more annoyed and bemused he is by you. He'd never tell anyone that they're annoying him, so he has to do it with bottle language.

9:00: Feels like we've gotten into the rapid fire portion of the press conference. We're rattling off questions like they're 4th-quarter points in a Nebraska game.

9:30: You know that look you see guys make at the bar when they're staring down an attractive woman? The one where they bite their lower lip and gaze intently without blinking? For some reason, Coach has that exact look on his face while listening to a question.

10:11: Coach sounds a little surprised that Big Ten play starts next week. We play Illinois, Coach. They're kind of like Southern Miss, but without a head coach.

10:27: We must be winding down. Coach is neatly folding his stat sheet. I bet he makes his own bed at the Embassy Suites.

10:39: "See you Monday." I can only hope, Coach. I can only hope.

Pat can be heard weekly on the Big Red Cobcast. Follow the Big Red Cobcast on Twitter and subscribe on iTunes.You can also enjoy the Cobcast's videos about Nebraska fans (and Notre Dame fans) on YouTube.