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Week 5 Predictions: Michigan at Nebraska

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: OCT 09 Michigan at Nebraska Photo by Nick Tre. Smith/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Mike: I have this sneaking suspicion that Husker fans think the line for this week’s game is half of what they think it should be.

Patrick: We need FCS representation in here.

Tyler: I hope I get to use the South Stadium trough just one more time before it's gone. True right-of-passage moment for men who cheer for the Scarlet & Cream.

Andy: None of my rites of passage include being splattered by the aluminum-deflected piss of old strangers, but don’t think for a minute I don’t have a lotta other shit wrong with me.

Jarek: I believe this one could be a little lower scoring than most people think. Both teams haven’t seen defenses this solid, however Michigan’s overall talent will probably will itself.

Illinois (even) at Purdue

Patrick: University of Illinois 17 Purdue University 8

Mike: The mentor faces his apprentice. Both teams are rebuilding, and Illinois has kind of disappointed thus far. I’ll take the Boilers at home 23-21.

Tyler: Boilers here as Pupil bests Teacher. Luke Altmeyer continues to do his best Jeff Sims impersonation and makes Hudson Card look like Drew Brees. 24-14.

Andy: This Illinois team isn’t at all resembling the one who went bowling last season, but Purdue…my gawd. They lost their coach, lost their Citrus Bowl 63-7 to LSU and don’t really seem to have recovered. They appear to enjoy success about as much as kittens enjoy firecrackers. Illinois 31 Purdue 20

Jarek: A genuine toss up of who is the less terrible of the two? Let me put my surprised look on my face. They say that being at home garners an automatic 3 points on the betting line, so I’ll take the opportunity to take the I-L-L-I-N-I. Land of Lincoln 20 Purdon’t 17

Michigan State (+12.5) at Iowa

Patrick: University of Iowa 24 Michigan State University 3

Mike: Iowa was completely embarrassed by Penn State last weekend in primetime. But I think that gave said more about PSU than Iowa, who gets another shot at a network primetime timeslot. And it’s against a Michigan State squad that was facing enough issues on the field before Mel Tucker’s offensive behavior became public knowledge. I think Iowa bounces back with a strong performance defensively... they might outscore the Ferentzian nepo-offense. Squawkeyes 21, Sparty 5

Tyler: First one to 17 points here probably. Hawkeyes D gives them the edge. Both offense will look anemic at times. Shadow Coach, Mark D'Antonio, doesn't quite get the teams attention this week. A.I. Brian Ferentz Bots- 17, This is not Sparta!- 16

Andy: The Brian Ferentz-o-Meter is currently sitting at 21.25 per game or -15 meaning Daddy’s special little guy needs the Squawks to put up 40 to get back on pace to stay employed. And believe me, we want this “Try That In A Small Town” breed of ranting dipshit to be in Iowa City as long as possible.

Meanwhile, Michigan State, a place which you don’t want your daughters within 500 miles of, will now and forever be without the mediocre services of Mr. Consensual - a half-assed coach who stumbled into Sabes-Dabo cash and pissed it away in record time because he couldn’t resist East Lansing’s call of the perverts. These are two of the fine institutions who make the B1G the creepiest conference in the land. And for shit’s sake - getting -12 12 from a team who may not score 12 12 ? Sparty 9 Iowegia 8 (4 safeties)

Jarek: We will learn more about Michigan State more than we will about Iowa here. We already know Iowa is like Birdo from The Super Mario Brothers franchise, just a whole lot of suck. Michigan State doesn’t look that good, so if it can get past Iowa, it could turn a corner. It won’t, but it could. Squawks 21 Need 300 more Spartans 10

Indiana (+14.5) at Maryland

Patrick: University of Maryland 31 University of Indiana 17

Mike: Maryland starts slow, but they should roll the Hoosiers in the second half as the wheels have completely come off of Tom Allen. Terps 38, Hoosiers 13

Tyler: Taulia Tagovailoa will look to imitate his older brother and drop 70 on them. Not quite the same weapons, so I only predict half. Terps-35, Hooiser Daddies-17

Andy: Indiana is not doing great, but I don’t see anything so embarrassing to warrant this week-to-week hot seat watch for HC Tom Allen. 23-3 vs. Ohio State? That could go much worse. 2OT win against Akron? Wins are wins. Now, I don’t see an upset or anything, but I think they’ll hang in there against the Terps. Maryland 26 Indiana 17

Jarek: Maryland will more than likely finish with the 4th best record in the entire B1G yet finish 4th in its division. Indiana hasn’t looked inspiring on any occasion yet this season and given how bad the entire B1G West looks that says something. Turtle Power 41 Indiana Jones 17

Notre Dame (-5.5) at Duke

Patrick: Notre Dame University 27 Duke University 21

Mike: Notre Dame has a thing for playing down one, and the Dookies are smart enough to capitalize. Never thought I’d be picking ths one, but Dookies 31, Farting Leprechauns 27

Tyler: No hangover from a loss to the Buckeyes, The Fighting Lou Holtz's win a close one with a dangerous and surprisingly sneaky Blue Devils squad. 38-34.

Andy: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the 2023 Entitlement Bowl! These institutions are laden with so many shit alumni and donor admissions, their debate squads are honorary members of the Ivy League. Their student bodies and alumni lead the nation in jokes about 1) you serving them Jack in the Box and 2) their car being worth more than your house. HAR HAR HAR! We’ll give Duke the nod since 98.2% of all Domers fans have never stepped foot on the campus and believe The Almighty will give them an edge as just reward for their faith. What utter shitheads. Also, Notre Dame gets caught looking in the rearview. Duke 27 Notre Dame 21

Jarek: I believe in Duke; I really want to. I absolutely despise them when it comes to basketball, but I want to root for them to be a huge spoiler when it comes to football. Notre Dame is coming of an absolute nut punch in a game it should have won last week. I think the golden domers hit a letdown game here. Dookies 31 Touchdown Jesus 28

Michigan (-17) at Nebraska

Patrick: University of Michigan 31 University of Nebraska 10

Mike: Strong argument that Nebraska should be 3-1 or possibly even 4-0, but they aren’t. And that’s not against a team of Michigan’s status. Though to be honest, the Wolverines haven’t looked like a playoff team early on this season. Hoping NU can keep this one close, but I’m not sure about that. Weasels 35, Huskers 13.

Tyler: I haven't talked much about this amongst my Corn Nation Colleagues, but this has "trap" game potential for the Wolverines. The Blackshirts will play tough and motivated football, keeping us in it. I just don't think we have a identity yet on Offense. I do like Haarberg getting the nod and he'll do his best to manage. Like the Buckeyes in years past, they'll get the last minute Win, but the Huskers should feel really positive about the remainder of their schedule from here on out. U of M- 20, Huskers- 13

Andy: The Husker injury report has been deceptive in that it’s basically been clean for three straight games. But it doesn’t count things like the fact we are down our QB1 (no jokes), our top two running backs, two of our top three to four wide receivers and a left tackle who’s gone from 2-time All American lock to “Is he just not returning to that level?”

And yet this team does seem a little faster, a little stronger, a little scrappier - and probably should be 4-0 or at least 3-1 if they could have just protected-

Yep. If if if if.

For the last 5+ years, “if only” has been the song of our people. I’ve beat to death this week the five things we must do to win this game but how long since we’ve actually done them all? We almost got Ohio State in 2018. If only. We almost got Michigan in 2021. If only. And this seems like more of a talent mismatch although the Michigan O-line does seem off its mark. Also, it’s just seemed quiet this week. Weird. My head is all over the map. Every other pick makes sense. (Thinks and rolls two 20-sided dice) Nebraska 19 Michigan 17. Because someone has to do it and the dice speaketh.

Jarek: I’m going to be honest here, I’d be happy if we kept this within the spread. Nebraska has shown a fairly decent run game in the last two weeks, but the passing game/blocking has been...abysmal at times. The only thing truly going for the offense lately is it hasn’t turned the ball over a lot. Defensively stopping the Michigan run game will be the biggest of all tests for the team that leads the nation in rush defense. Unfortunately, I see this much like the Colorado game, the offense can’t do enough to keep the rapidly tiring defense off the field on a scorcher of a day in Lincoln. Meeeeechigan 31 Nebraska 14