A weekend without Husker football is like a weekend....well, like the 39 other weekends without Husker football, except without the ability to spend that time convinced it’s all gonna turn around next season. Now we’re halfway through the 2023 journey and the battle to bowl eligibility has only six games to work itself out.
On the positive side? It will be a truly stress-free weekend in which to enjoy college football free of Husker halftime and fourth quarter shenanigans. Thus big-screen TV’s, breakable things stupidly placed in bars and living rooms on gameday and innocent pets and family members will be safe from items kicked and thrown.
Bars and liquor stores will still be open and you can enjoy their products in good-humored company with others instead of using them for non-existent medicinal purposes and substitute therapists. Yummy yum yum! Your liver can be your friend again until next weekend.
BIG TEN VS. BEAST
However, I propose an alternate universe battle concept. And don’t worry, the rules are quick.
Attempting to match up rivals as best I can, a coin will be flipped with the “winner” getting the humans and one actual football team will take on the other team’s nickname as a full squad. If that happens to be an animal, it will be assumed they have hands with opposable thumbs and football scaled to their size. Also, they know football.
Enough rules, let’s rock:
Northwestern vs Penn State (neither really has a rival)
Coin flip: Penn State
The Penn St. Nittany Lions really wanted to lose this one. The Warriors of JoPa’s Statue will be taking on a roster of actual wildcats combined of European and African versions. We will be nice and just use the one word version which, while dangerous and feral, are somewhat smaller. Expect a high-scoring 2010’s Baylor-TCU type matchup. Penn State will catch these beasts rarely and regret it when they do. The small but fierce kitties will get some stops. Penn State will not.
Line: Northwestern -17
Over/Under: 117 1⁄2
Minnesota vs Wisconsin
Coin Flip: Wisconsin
So Wisconsin humans will be taking on some beavers. Beavers run at about 4mph, so this won’t be pretty. If 300 lbs falls on beavers repeatedly, I fear there may be a squish factor. Best listen to this on radio.
Line: Wisconsin -86 (stoppage end of 3rd quarter)
Maryland vs Rutgers
Coin Flip: Maryland
And thank Christ it’s Maryland. A human Rutgers team leaving the gore of 85 scholarship turtles strewn across the field would be awful. Instead we have some Knights dressed in red taking on a talented Maryland under Mike Locksley. While they will be brandishing swords, there will be a massive speed disadvantage in suits of armor. Maryland should prevail, though there will be - casualties.
Line: Maryland -32
O/U Terps Shuffling Off This Mortal Coil: 11 1⁄2
Indiana vs Purdue
Coin Flip: Indiana
Not a lot exciting going on here. Just trains running over whatever dirty hillbilly creation a “Hoosier” is.
Line: None (Wagers returned, all Hoosiers squished prior to halftime)
Over/Under: Under. As in Indiana’s entire roster under trains.
Michigan State vs Illinois (could’ve paired Illinois in-state with NW but wanted Penn St. to get clawed up)
Coin Flip: Illinois (because what’s an Illini anyway?)
So it’s the men of Sparta vs. a Bert squad who appears headed for an ugly 2023. We’ll assume the real Spartans will be shirtless sporting the grass skirts. But again..swords.
Line: Michigan State -8
Michigan vs Ohio State
Coin Flip: Michigan
Definition of of a Buckeye: “A small, shiny, dark brown nut with a light tan patch that comes from the official state tree of Ohio, the buckeye tree. According to folklore, the Buckeye resembles the eye of a deer and carrying one brings good luck. “Buckeyes” has been the official Ohio State nickname since 1950, but it had been in common use for many years before.”
Anyway, Jim Harbaugh’s streak extends to three in a row after the nation’s #2 ranked team spends about 7 minutes stomping a bunch of actual buckeyes into grit.
Nebraska vs. Iowa
Coin Flip: Nebraska
Since Hawkeyes are defined as residents of Iowa or people with sharp vision, and not as some mythical warbird as many silly Iowans believe, they will be substituted for with Canadian Geese. Don’t overlook these winged assholes who are unafraid to take on elephants and bulls. (Go ahead, search YouTube.)
However, despite that lack of fear, the goose produces no actual threats save for wing-flapping, shitting in public and goose beak chomps. Much like Brian Ferentz, actually!
Their foul attitudes may allow them to go the distance but it won’t be pretty. After two Haarberg interceptions into triple coverage which wasn’t there a half second before, the Huskers keep it on the ground.
Line: Nebraska -146 1⁄2
Over/Under: 146 1⁄2
For those wanting to know what’s out there in actual college football this weekend, here you go!
Game of the Day
#8 Oregon @ #7 Wahington
O/U 67 1⁄2
Quick guess: Give me Oregon and the under.
#10 USC @ 21 Notre Dame
Notre Dame -2 1⁄2
Quick guess: USC - elite offense, trash defense, go OVER
Texas A&M @ #19 Tennessee
Quick guess: Stay away, simply can’t tell which aTm will ever show up
UCLA @ Oregon St
Oregon St -3 1/2
Quick guess: This will haunt me later, but I say a Corvallis night crowd shows up twisted on multiple illegal herbs and microbrews, grab those Beavers.