“(Donovan Raiola) is coaching them hard. I laugh with the guys because there’s about probably 15 to 20 vomits every day from offensive linemen. And it isn’t because they’re not in shape. He’s just working them hard. I think they love it.”
And with that, we had another pre-season Scott Frost shockwave. Brett McMurphy, after two straight years of Scott Frost scandal dive bombs, threw a damn curveball by instead gracing the follow-up act to the GREATEST 3-9 TEAM OF ALL TIME with his #25 vote in the writers’ poll.
(Tweeted Brett: “I wasn’t gonna give a 3-9 team the time of day, but then I saw that quote and I’ll you this. Teams that spray that much stroganoff play on New Years Day in bad years. That’s just a fact. Also, it’s breaking soon that back in July, Jeff Brohm slapped a paperboy right in the teeth for dropping his Home & Garden section in some dog shit. Corroborated by two sources. Purdue officials have no comment.)
So there’s that.
But was Coach Scott Frost about to take that? Not a chance. He could contain neither his pride for the effort of the O-line, nor his thirst for some pre-season controversy. When he next marched out in front of a press which had spent a day weeping and hypocritically vomiting in rage about the 15-20 pukes, he was asked if he had actually endorsed a regimen that caused so much burger-spraying.
As always, his answer was simple and to the point:
He did point out how O-Line Coach Donavan Raiola and his assistants weren’t actually monsters. I mean, as much as shooting soup through one’s nose as his eyes water uncontrollably embodies championship behavior, the constant spray of breakfast and heaving groans can become monotonous.
And so the Friday Puke-a-Lympics were born with the team gathering around the contestants after the final drills of the day. Since everyone has probably already laid ‘em some chewed-noodle tracks, the boys only compete in three events - here were last Friday’s winners:
Der Wiener Schlinger (Distance) - Teddy P. again 16’ 4”. There was some muttering about 6’10” being an unfair height advantage but like Kareem and Hakeem say, you use what you got.
High/Low Stud (Thickest/Wateriest Yurk) - High - Bryce Benhart with a steak/mac’n’cheese/white queso nachos combo that took some obvious effort. Low - TE Travis Vokolec who lunched on two green Gatorades and a protein shake. Said he feels like a part of the O-Line and captains find a way to win.
Captain Blood - Let’s just move on although it should be noted Henry Lutovsky was DQ’d for drinking a can of unmixed Campbell’s Tomato Soup just prior to the competition.
So there you have it. The stabbing heaves. That acid taste in the back of the throat. The lightheadedness. Some would call the rescue squad and ease off. The Huskers swish a little water around to get those last pea skins out from under their bottom lip and grab a couple salt pills from Dave’s training table. Every blorph is another step up that ladder to the top of college football.
The Junction Boys didn’t haven’t enough want-to. The new pipeline does and if you doubt them, they will power spray it on your shirt.
Go. Big. Red. 2022. The way back to glory is paved with this morning’s chorizo and eggs. Jon Cena, take us home!
(Note: I may have misunderstood the responses. I’m told Frost just laughed off the quote and said he was exaggerating a little which is still funny as hell. But I had just watched a bad-ass Comanche girl take down a Predator in 1719, so I was a little hopped up and can’t be 100% sure adrenaline didn’t mess with my memories a little. Prey is awesome by the way - if you’ve got Hulu, dive in. And saddle up for 2022.)