Mike: Dang, it’s going to be cold in Memorial Stadium.
Andy: But not in the bar, homeboy. If there’s a god - and there’s not - my F*ck Everything, GBR Cobby t-shirt is here and I am ready to slather it in vomit after another disappointment!! OK, that was strong. I mean, go home and re-watch some Ted Lasso or Schitt’s Creek for laughs after Georgia-Kentucky. Unless Georgia gets upset. Then…the vomit. Don’t judge me.
Floyd of Rosedale
Iowa (+3) at Minnesota
Andy: I’ve never been 1st with picks before ever, so this time I can’t be accused of reading the other picks! Or getting an “OMFG, didn’t you even read the other picks?” Either way, the answer is no, I’m usually scrambling. So just winging this one. Even if Tanner Morgan is healthy, hopefully PJ Facelift learned that having a D1 QB who needs Boy Scouts to help him cross the street is a liability against a defensive line with a pulse. Iowa has a pulse. PJ starts the long-last-name guy. Goofers 19 The B1G HWCU 12
Mike: I think Iowa’s finally figured out how to upgrade their offense from putrid to rather mediocre. And combined with THAT defense on a subzero windchill day in Minneapolis...well. Squawkeyes 11, Goofers 8
Oops, Did We Actually Give These Guys a Contract Extension Bowl
Indiana (+10.5) at Michigan State
Andy: This is going to be the pissed-up rage-Friday upset pick. Which, I’m sorry you diseased gambling people - it has to be allowed for in the world of 18-23 year old alpha males whose athletic ability is only exceeded by their hormones - Exhibit 1: Kansas State 48 Oklahoma State 0. We all saw that coming, amirite? Anyway, recent history suggests a walkover for the Spartans. I believe zero in them and find Indiana scrappy if not talented. Hoosiers 27 Sparty 24.
Mike: Wow...Andy went there. But this one is going to be a bad weather game between two bad teams. I’d argue that there’s a better chance that Michigan State can’t score more than ten points than win by more than ten. Sparty 16, Hoosiers 13
Big Ten Really West Division Championsip
Southern Cal (-2.5) at UCLA
Andy: Hold on. Have to go look up their schedules to make sure this is the last regular season game for both since they’re historical rivals and all.
Omfg. After this, USC plays Notre Dame - you ass-kissers - and UCLA plays their epic rival California - pussies. I hate you both and welcome you to the Big 10. Hope the B1G accepts no other Pac-12 refugees and you both get many butt corns from excessive air travel. The victory which both pisses off both the losers and the winners’ gambling fans. Suck it, west coast. USC 35 UCLA 34
Mike: There probably will be 75,000 more people at the Rose Bowel than showed up for UCLA’s season opener. Weather shouldn’t be a factor, with a wind chill of 63 at kickoff. Husker fans should take some solace that Southern Cal went from 4-8 last season to being in position for a playoff spot by hiring the right coach. (And really, how many times can Nebraska get this wrong?) This one should be a barnburner. Trojans 45, Bruins 41
Lance Leipold’s Last in Lawrence?
Texas (-9) at Kansas
Andy: Oh you Shorthorn punks. Don’t care the Jaysquawks have lost 4 of 5. They took you down last year after you ducked them in 2020. (Don’t come at me with facts. Your state more than most understands facts are simply fake news - don’t talk weather - you ran during Covid. Weiners.) Anyway, Kansas doesn’t need their starting QB to beat some blonde Texas mullet who (Crash Davis voice) “couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a fuckin’ boat”. Kansas 37 Cows 33 Ewers interceptions 5
Mike: Everybody remembers how the Jayhawks shocked the Bovines last year in Austin.
I don’t think they can do it again...but we can always dream. Bovines 41, Jaysquawks 35
Weird Flag Trophy Still Looking for a Corporate Sponsor
Wisconsin (-13) at Nebraska
Andy: I base this pick on a 100% healthy Casey Thompson who lasts the game with no kill shots. So I’m already way out on a limb.
The Huskers come out fired up as hell for the seniors, for Mickey, for ending the Wiscy losing streak, all of it. They take 13-0 lead at the end of the 1st quarter, it turns to 20-10 at halftime after a 52-yard-Badger-FG as time expires.
Sigh. Don’t have the energy to find a different way to write this script, sorry but we all know it. Badgers 27 Huskers 23
I get three emails & FB replies telling me I hate the Huskers and have given up on them. I get two face-to-faces and three more emails telling me I’m deluded for saying we’ll lose by less than 33. So I must be doing something right.
Mike: Casey Thompson’s return no doubt helps, but on a frigid, cold, run the damn ball day, it probably doesn’t make nearly as big of a deal as it would have, say two weeks ago. Wisconsin is built for this kind of a day. I’ll take the points, though. Badgers 23, Huskers 14