clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Face the Facts: Why Your Favorite National Pizza Chain is Overrated

New, 80 comments
A Ventura Police officer investigates an armed robbery at Hungry Howie’s Pizza on Thompson Boulevard
A Ventura Police officer investigates an armed robbery at Hungry Howie’s Pizza on Thompson Boulevard in Ventura, the second robbery there in two days.
Photo by Joe Pugliese/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images

Yet another installment in our “Face the Facts.” We have already gone after your favorite Nebraska fast-food restaurants, your favorite national chain, and your favorite frozen pizza chain.

Up today is our happy review on why your favorite national pizza chain is overrated (with regional chains on deck next).


Domino’s

The game of dominoes is far more fun than the end result of the franchise’s product. As far as the pizza goes, it is greasy and rubbery to the point of being borderline inedible. It’s also the largest chain in the nation. So what does that tell you about American tastes?

Little Caesar’s

Oh where to begin with this pizza chain . . . Let’s start with the owners: the slum-lords of Detroit. Seriously, the amount of property that family sits on that they received tax dollars to rehabilitate is sickening. That doesn’t even include the blatant graft they obviously handed out to get sweetheart deals skating around Detroit laws to milk yet more money out of people compared to their competitors.

Yet, if that doesn’t make you even more naseous than their rubberized excuse for food they hawk at bottom dollar rates, let’s not all forget the fact they had the audacity to get a city in the middle of the largest municipal bankruptcy in American history to finance almost half their own expensive sports arena. Of course, rather than help pay off the debt taxpayers helped the family use to fund the glitzy arena for two truly horrendous franchises in their present state (one of whom moved in belatedly so it inflated the cost for last minute changes), instead the concessions and other revenue are all earmarked for the family’s pockets.

Then again, maybe that is for the best since the family may be wise at coming up with marketing gimmicks like a “Hot ‘N Ready” serving of rubber cement, they lack much common sense in building design. Their “pizza glass” design delayed opening their shiny new headquarters for almost a year.

All in all, if you can’t stand the food for it’s horrid quality alone, then you should avoid it because the ethics of consuming makes you even sicker to your stomach than the actual product on your plate.

Pizza Hut

The pizza should have gone the way of the red hut restaurants.

The sauce also gives everybody heart burn. I was thinking the other day, does anybody actually eat IN Pizza Hut anymore or is it strictly takeout? I remember eat there in the early 2000s with my friends and I made a bet I could get a girls number. I walked over and simply asked for it and she gave it to me.

We’ve been married for 10 years.

That last part is not true. I actually never called her so it easily could have been a fake number.

Papa John’s

Papa John’s is a go to offering if you either want to have a useless pepperoncino pepper served with your rubbery and unappetizing pizza, or you want the spice of corporate conference calls occasionally featuring racial slurs! It’s okay, though, because they still support questionable institutions like Louisville and have taken a new featured individual on select pizza boxes instead of the former founder.

I feel like I wrote this somewhere else but Papa John’s pizza might be the worst pizza out there.

California Pizza Kitchen

Their frozen pizza offerings will be covered elsewhere, and so this is strictly the restaurant offerings. If you want an overpriced mall pizza with the weirdest assortment of topping offerings that don’t belong imaginable, then CPK is the place for you! It is also conveniently the definite go to option for stuffing your face with an unhealthy food option while making you feel like you’re watching your calories via the almost non-existent crust. However, there is good “thin crust” pizza, and then there is flavorless but crispy cardboard. CPK is the latter.

Uno Pizzeria

What a sad, pathetic excuse for Chicago style deep-dish pizza.

Hungry Howie’s

What do you do when your pizza is bland and boring? Little Caesar's already has the dirt cheap option. Pappa John’s has the racist owner for a unique social commentary twist. What else is there? Well this is when you turn to Hungry Howie’s and their 20-billion different flavored crust options! If you want good pizza, though, this isn’t what you want.

Subway

Fun fact: Subway still sells personal pizzas. Happy fact: You wouldn’t know that because you do not eat at Subway.

Second fun fact: When ordering from Subway get a ham, add bacon, lettuce, tomato, onions and cheese. Get it toasted but get southwest sauce on the side. Take the sandwich home and when you are ready to eat, open the sandwhich and put it under the broiler. Then put the sauce on and close the sandwich. Then brown the top and bottom. Boom. It’s delicious.

Sbarro

Even if your options are between boarding your connecting flight hungry, drink more booze, get to the hotel after landing, and wake up so hungover you miss the Husker game the next day you flew out to attend, or eat at the somehow located in this airport terminal you are connecting in and is the only place open for a late dinner Sbarro chain, you choose the hangover.

What insane person actually thinks this is appetizing?