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Face the Facts: Why Your Favorite Frozen Pizza Brand is Overrated

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Stop it! You know your favorite brand is terrible.

Pizza factory gets own development centre Photo by Jens Büttner/picture alliance via Getty Images

Welcome to our newest installment of “Face the Facts.” We have recently gone after your favorite Nebraska fast-food restaurants as well as your favorite national chain.

Now we are here to tell you why your favorite frozen pizza is overrated (with national and regional chains yet to come).

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Football . . . please come back.


DiGiorno

“It’s not delivery! It’s DiGiorno!” I’ve never had a delivery pizza where 34 of the pizza is made up of the crust. The only thing that separates DiGiorno from other frozen pizzas is that it’s a little bit thicker. They must have decided that crust is where all of the flavor is at so they skimped on the cheese and toppings.

Then in an effort to diversify, they went and decided to start offering frozen deep dish pizza. Somewhere along the way, that meant that they decided rather than 75-percent crust, they would up the ratio to 85-percent crust while increasing the overall crust amount a whopping 150-percent! Hooray for yet more frozen pizza crust with a sprinkling of cheese and sauce.

Red Baron

Does anybody even eat these things anymore? These are usually found in gas stations and if you buy one from there then you really must be desperate. And as far as flavor? You would be better off buying a jar of pasta sauce and a bag of mozzarella cheese to mix together and eat on your own. Better yet, save yourself the calories and pretend to be a child again with the pizza kit lunchables option.

Freschetta

Freschetta is not “betta,” unless the alternative is Red Baron. Either way, you’re better off buying a salad in a bag or going hungry.

Tombstone

Pretty sure I lived off of these in high school. I would get back from partying with friends after playing football on a Friday night. Eat a whole Tombstone along with half a bag of chips and go to bed. Man, good times my friends. Wish I could still eat like that.

It’s thick cardboard with some toppings and decent sauce. My memories love it more than my stomach does now.

California Pizza Kitchen

This is pizza for elitists. I mean it is even in the name. Nothing says I’m more important than saying you are from California. What about New York style pizza? That style is made for the common-folk who work jobs, have children, and would like just a small piece of pie without any fuss.

California pizza? What’s the closest I can get to a fricken pepperoni pizza? Well online they have an “Uncured Pepperoni” pizza. Thank goodness that the pepperoni underwent a more natural curing process than regular pepperoni!

(SpartyOnHuskers: I like their four cheese or margherita options as my go to frozen pizza choices.)

Newman’s Own

Believe it or not, this is not actually a pizza brand developed out of Nebraska’s very own Newman Grove. It is actually a company founded by actor Paul Newman and author A. E. Hotchner in 1982 that sells a variety of products. As far as their frozen pizza offerings go, the bland rubber that comes out of the oven is something you can at least feel good eating knowing that 100-percent of the profits made on selling you this inedible round object go toward charities supporting good causes.

Trader Joe’s

Who actually gets this this pizza? Nobody. Reason being that it requires you to have drank multiple bottles of $3 “Two Buck Chuck” and go back to Trader Joe’s to then purchase this to try and soak up the booze. We here at Corn Nation believe in drinking responsibly by not letting yourself go back to Trader Joe’s to purchase this pizza. You will fall asleep before it is finished cooking if you actually try.

Home Run Inn

How does a Chicago pizzeria company sell pizza that isn’t Chicago style deep dish? We are not sure how this is possible, but Home Run Inn does exactly that. None of us have had it, though, as we are confident it looks like a prettier version of a Sbarro ball of grease.

Tonys and Jacks

It is trying to be Tombstone but fails and thus charges you less.

Stouffer’s

If you have ever wondered what edible cardboard tastes like, you have found your chance to find out! We have already given this option more words than it deserves.

Screamin Sicilian

If you ever see one of these in someone’s shopping cart, we recommend screaming at that person like you’re in fact Sicilian to try and convince them to put it back.

Totino’s Party Pizza

This maybe should not be on the list. We all know it is crap right? But it’s only like $1.00 and you can buy a pack of ten for like 5 bucks. Great value.

Basically it is sauce, some sort of cheese, and little bits of some type of topping. All on top of a cracker that can be cooked in a toaster. Perfect for college.

Totino’s Pizza Rolls

Nothing makes a movie night special like a bunch of little packets of lava. Get a gigantic bag of these and nuke ‘em or put them in the oven. If you are in a hurry you could microwave, but a true connoisseur goes the oven route. Get that crispiness going on the outside, and get the gooey middle seeping out of the sides. That’s how you know they are done. They leak pizza . . . goop? Yeah, let’s call it pizza goop.

Ore-Ida Bagel Bites

Chewy little disks of salt that for some reason became popular during the 1990’s national bagel boom. You were either a bagel bites person or a pizza rolls person (SpartyOnHuskers remains both to this day). There was no in-between (Except for Kevin). Fights were common behind grocery stores. I lost a pinkie toe over this back in 1998 (Kevin has kept all his toes and fingers). No, I can’t tell you what side I was on. There’s still a hit out for me in South Dakota (Kevin still needs to visit SD as one of his nine remaining states). That’s it, I’ve told you too much.