Nebrasketball: An Open Letter To The NCAA Selection Committee

The staff here at Corn Nation want to stick up for our Nebraska Cornhuskers and make the case that needs to be made for why they deserve an NCAA tournament bid. So without further adieu, here is our open letter making that case.

Dear NCAA Tournament Selection Committee:

We, the Nebraska Cornhuskers Men’s Basketball team and our fan base, believe that come Selection Sunday a week and a half from now you should make sure you include us among those called. No, we’re not asking for a 1 seed, or even a 10 for that matter. Put us in at 16 in the west and move the game to Fairbanks, Alaska for all we care. Why should you extend a bid to a 7-22 team you might ask? We are glad you did, and let us list the many, many reasons why you should!

1. Everybody loves the under-dog. Seriously, make us a 16 seed and pit us against Virginia as a 1 seed. You can’t sit there and pretend like you didn’t love every second of the UMBC-Virginia game two years ago! You’re smiling right now at that memory for crying out loud. How hilarious would America find it if you pit our fast paced Coach Hoiberg offense against that eye-gouging, coma inducing Virginia style of play and we get the upset win? You know Americans would love it and it would kill in tv ratings. We got all the losing out of the way before March, and now we are poised to be the next Chicago-Loyola Cinderella story without the love-able nun.
2. If you’re feeling extra generous, we don’t need to be the 16 seed and overly upset the natural balance of things, either. If you want to make us a 15 seed and pull a 2016 Middle Tennessee State against some 2 seed (just not Michigan State obviously), a 2013 Florida Gulf Coast, 2012 Norfolk State, 2012 Lehigh because who doesn’t like seeing Duke lose, or 1991 Richmond, then look no further as we can be that 15 seed this season.
3. Speaking of the Virginia Cavaliers, are you aware that they lost to the Purdue Boilermakers 69-40? Are you also aware that we beat Purdue 70-56? So don’t scoff at the notion we can beat Virginia. We totally have the potential to do just that if we can just make a few more lay-ups. We’ll get the practice time in if you get us the bid, you have our word.
4. Everybody loves laughing at the under-dog when they inevitably fail. At least this way we all know who that under-dog will be. We are happy to be that under-dog if you just give us that bid.
5. We didn’t cheat in basketball. Seriously, did you see all those Adidas schools that did cheat? Or all those Nike schools? You can justify giving us a bid by just pointing out you had to finally punish the cheaters to save face. Get it out of the way already when this season is facing crowd-less games because of rampant international pandemic scares, and then get back to focusing on making the big bucks with the brand name programs next season. This way everybody wins, and if we’re being honest, you really need to save a little face in enforcement so it is essentially us coming to the rescue here when you think about it.
6. It would be very “Nebraska Nice” of you. If you’ve never been to a Nebraska game, we pride ourselves on being nice. Do we do this for no reason? Of course not. This is that reason. All the good karma we’ve accumulated over the decades of treating those obnoxious visiting fans like royalty, this is the giant, fat check we want cashed for all that “nice-ness” we have shown over the years.
7. This fan base deserves a participation trophy, damnit! You expanded the tournament to 64 teams all the way back in 1985, and nowadays it’s 68 even. We are a fragile society that demands rewards when we see other people getting them, and so frankly you plain need to do this or our parents are going to make your lives absolutely miserable. So let’s just get this bid extended already and we can all move on with our lives with our players snagging some NCAA tournament swag on their way out of the locker room following our upset of Virginia and you don’t spend the next six months getting harassing text messages every five minutes and three am phone calls every night from our very angry mother.
8. Not to brag, but we totally have the inside hook-up to get each and every one of you a personalized Scott Frost autograph. We aren’t talking auto-pen here, either. No, we are talking real sharpie personalized note capped off by a giant John Hancock here. Only if we get the bid, though. But trust us, we’re good on the hook-up.
9. It would piss off Iowa fans. This point needs no further elaboration.
10. Ever been to a football game in Memorial Stadium? Two tickets to the game of your choice anywhere in the stadium for each and every single one of you in exchange for a bid. Hell, make it season tickets to Nebraska for the rest of your life. We’ll add in volleyball tickets as well. How about if we even toss in discounted parking? Deal?
11. The 8th time is the charm, we promise. Look, you don’t have to remind us we’re 0-7 in the times you’ve made a prom-posal... I mean, given us a tourney bid. We promise, this time is different. We’ve changed our diet to clear up the outbreaks. We’ve been hitting the gym extra hard all winter long for pool season this summer. We really mean it, this time is different. You will not regret it this time because the 8th try is totally going to go differently, and we totally, absolutely, pinky-promise, cross our heart and hope to die mean it this time.
12. You can make a new rule we can only shoot baskets from the free throw line during game play. It offers you a fun opportunity for betting lines in Vegas, and gives us a shot at redemption from our record setting performance this past Sunday.
13. Okay, fine, this is our last point, and we’ve been trying to have some dignity up until now, but this is the big dance and it is now or never. We’re desperate, alright? You know they’re nice to our face, but all the other P6 programs are totally talking about us behind our back and you know it. We haven’t had the greatest luck at the big dance the times you’ve given us a bid, and frankly we mostly blame your terrible seeding lines for that and it’s your turn to make it up to us. No awkward “Makarana” requests to the DJ by us this time, no “Ice, Ice, Baby” dance moves, and we are definitely not going to start taking our jerseys off at center court to “It’s Getting Hot In Here” during the half-time show. We are going to be singing “We Are The Champions” after that buzzer in the first round after we beat Virginia, and you’re going to be right there with us celebrating. So if we need to get on our knees and grovel to convince you this time is truly different, consider it done.

That’s our case ladies and gentleman of the Selection Committee. We believe it is a solid one. Let us know where to report to as the 16 seed to play Virginia in the first round, and we will be there. You already have our phone number, so we won’t share it again in this open letter for all the haters to see. We look forward to hearing from you next Sunday!

Sincerely,

The Nebraska Cornhuskers Men’s Basketball Team and all five of our loyal Nebrasketball fans, plus SpartyOnHuskers because he is the coolest

P.S. Yes, this is satire and people need us to tell them when it is because they sucked all the fun out of the internet. Have a great week everyone, and BEAT MICHIGAN THURSDAY NIGHT!