Mike: Sorry to bother you this week, Paul Finebaum, but Husker fans would kind of like to watch their team play football this week. I know how ridiculous this sounds, but I’m hoping that you’ll allow us this opportunity this sounds.
(Will that work?)
Patrick: PAC 12 IS BACK! Am I the only one who cares?
Andy: I was stunned that Mr. Finebaum could stop slurping on the SEC’s collective lollipops to take time out to blister the Huskers for wanting to play a game. This from the champion of the conference which has basically become America’s petri dish - but it’s okay for them to play on. Ah well, I’m sure he’s already moved on to a new outrage. Let’s make some picks!
Jill: So, Nebraska should feel bad about playing games now? I mean, we haven’t offered much to justify our football existence recently, but...
Nate M: I’m just grateful for another game and it appears both teams are healthy.
Michigan State (+7) at Iowa
Patrick: I imagine this will be unwatchable? University of Iowa 12 Michigan State University 9
Mike: So who’s the real Sparty? The one that got boat raced by (checks notes) BUTTGERS or the one that blasted the Weasels last week? Meanwhile, the Hawkeyes have just been... mostly mediocre this season. Patrick’s probably right. Sparty 20, Squawkeyes 16
Andy: Another 1967 Big Ten special. Thump, bang, drop, overthrow, dive on 3rd & 8, seven hells. Hard to pick but 1) Michigan state is at least inconsistent, not just consistently losing and 2) f**k Iowa. Sparty 29 Iowa 10.
Jill: Patrick still hates competent football. Oh wait...there is some uncertainty about competence on both sides?
Andy hates Big Ten football. OK, Andy hates the Big Ten.
Now, I am torn as to whose prediction will be right.
When in doubt, pick the home team. Sigh. Hawkeyes punt their way to a win while the Spartans look frisky early but wither under the unyielding commands from the microchip implants that were disguised as ‘tests’ that keep telling them to wave at some hospital. Iowa 22 Sparty 16.
Nate M: Lately I’ve been in the mood that we need to burn everything down to the ground. Let’s start with Iowa. GO MICHIGAN STATE!
(Jill’s note: I knew I liked Nate - I would not be opposed to this result)
Jon J: Most of the games this year have featured close to zero defense. The games in which there is no scoring isn’t because there’s suddenly defense, it’s because the offenses are shit. Shit? IOWA. They’re SHIT. Michigan State 17, Iowa 13.5
Michigan (-3) at Indiana
Patrick: I’ve said it before, Indiana is good. However, Michigan is better and will most likely bounce back from their loss to MSU last week. University of Michigan 32 Indiana University 27
Mike: I’m still not a believer in Indiana, and this week, Khaki reigns supreme. Weasels 35, Hoosiers 27.
Andy: As much as I love drinking the tears of Michigan disappointment while the fellas sob on their Izod logos and the “womyn” shriek and rip out thatches of armpit hair in frustration, I’m not quite there yet on Indiana. Also, I do think Harbaugh is a decent coach when not constantly trying out for a reality show about himself, which he does seem to finally be leaving behind.
Indiana’s averaging 36 PPG on 279 total YPG. That will not hold. Michy 38 Indiana 20
Jill: I’m not a believer in either team. I do think my compatriots have gotten this one sized up correctly. Mich 30 Indy 25
Nate M: Indiana wins by 10. Book it.
Jon: I have come to hate Indiana. I think it’s Tom Allen, mostly. I don’t hate Jim Harbaugh. He’s an interesting, quirky guy. The Weasels have a decent quarterback, and that Kwity Paye is an ass-kicking machine. Michigan 35, Indiana 31
Minnesota (-7) at Illinois
Patrick: I have no clue what to make of Minnesota this year but I believe in them more than I do Illinois. University of Minnesota 38 University of Illinois 23
Mike: I know two things about Minnesota last season: First, they pounded Nebraska last season, and second, they caught a bunch of breaks in more than half of their games. That has a tendency to equalize itself. But Illinois has COVID problems at quarterback...and Minnesota can’t stop the run (giving up 8.9 yards PER CARRY!!!) This sets up for a really bad football game, I suspect. Goofers 27, Illini 24
Andy: And with all the breaks Minnesota caught last season, I believe one of them was catching us in full MASH unit mode. Also, I think PJ Fleck is from that Paterno mold of stressing TEAM to the breaking limits so his name is the one everybody remembers. (“Hour long ESPN special about ME?? I’m available!). Ass. But the Gophers will put some points on the board behind Tanner MINNESOTA and Mohamed MINNESOTA. PJ FLECK’s MINNESOTA 46 Illinois 24
Jill: I can’t compete with Andy’s ass-essment of this game. I also believe the Golden Gophers return to crowing about their awesome team way too quickly. Minny 35 Illy 25
Nate M: Jon says that Minnesota doesn’t have the “will.” So I’m picking Illinois. But in all seriousness, we might find out that Maryland still really isn’t that good if Minnesota gets their butts beat. Or everything is simply meaningless.
Jon: Neither of these teams feature a defense, so the question is, which one has a better offense? I’d take Minnesota in that case, mostly because of quarterback Tanner Morgan and receiver Rashod Bateman. Illinois has Brandon Peters, but not really another playmaker. Minnesota 89, Illinois 72
World’s Largest Outdoor COVID-19 Party
Georgia (-3) vs. Florida at Jacksonville
Patrick: Nice title on this one Mike, I like it. University of Florida 28 University of Georgia 24
Mike: I couldn’t resist that one. As for football, Georgia’s been a little ugly the last couple of weeks; I think they bounce back this week. UGA 34, G8rs 24
Andy: Mike? A Georgia game??? (Wipe shit out of my eyes)
This is the year again that Florida’s supposed to get back on top and the Dawgs only popping 14 on Kentucky didn’t exactly inspire me even if the Auburn thrashing was nice.
But that was before the Dawgs made it into this column. In this weird-ass year, I look for weird-ass reasons to pick games. Also, Dan Mullen is a big pile of horse apples and if wishing a horrible death on him is too strong, let’s say Dawgs 27 Ladies’ Handbags 17
Jill: When in doubt, pick the home team.
/checks home team
Umm....don’t know. Don’t care. Fine. Jawja wins by 5. (yes, I’m picking weird scores this week.)
Nate M: Florida blows out Georgia. Georgia continues to be an underachieving program. Without fact checking but I think both Trevor Lawrence and Justin Fields are from Georgia.
Jon: Nate is right about something! Well, the Trevor and Justin are both from Georgia. Florida blows out Georgia? Hmmm.... I don’t think so. Georgia 28, Florida 24
Nebraska (+3) at Northwestern
Patrick: This is our one true Big Ten rival. University of Nebraska 24 Northwestern University 21
Mike: We don’t have a trophy with Northwestern, Patrick. Neither a real one (Minnesota chair game) nor artificial one (Supermarket trophy with Iowa). Nebraska’s had a real home game advantage in games played in Evanston, but now it’s essentially a neutral field thanks to COVID-19. Northwestern is playing outstanding on defense and improved enough on offense. Meanwhile, Nebraska looked like a west champion for one half against Ohio State and looked like another Mike Riley team for the other. Consistency says take the Wildcats, but I think Nebraska is going to be ready for this game. NU 34, NW 24
Andy: Oh crap, 5 minutes to go. Alrite, here it is. Gonna be close. Damn close. Let’s Nebraska 38-35 in OT. The Martinez - Mills - McCaffrey train rolls and Omar Manning grabs his first catches. Wait, Cam Jurgens is out. Shit. No matter, prediction stands.
Jill: What? Andy is speechless?!? (Andy: No...distracted)
So, what are we going to break to create a trophy with Northwestern? It seems like this matchup is bad for people’s hearts. We should play for an EKG machine. The whole “Battle for NU” is great and all, but an EKG machine would come in handy around the CN office...definitely not looking at Dear Leader.
Nebraska flexes this week. I just know it (no I don’t). Huskers 29 Northwestern 28
Nate M: I think that if Nebraska scores more than 30 then they win. To me it comes down to if Nebraska can stop the run and not lose the turnover battle. If they do then I think they win comfortably. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that happens.
Jon: Our beloved Huskers have Adrian, Luke, Wan’Dale, and Dedrick. They might have an explosion in Omar. That’s a good number of playmakers. We should not have a problem with scoring unless we get bogged down in a rock fight. Nebraska 38 Northwestern 17