College Football Predictions: Huskers vs. An Ohio State Football Team

Mike: Through this mask, I can finally smell football season! (And since I can smell, I’m apparently still COVID-free!) WE’RE ALMOST THERE!!! WE’VE SURVIVED THE LONGEST OFFSEASON EVER!!!

Nate M: When we get boat raced by OSU, I wonder if Nebraska fans will change their tune!

Patrick: Hey, the Big 10 decided to play this season.

Jill: It’s 2020. I won’t believe it until I see it.

Andy: Can science be used to twist Covid so it makes the bastards I hate develop uncontrollable farting and facial string warts? Big 10 football is starting and some feuds need a little follow-up. (I’m looking at you, Penn State, you bunch of goddamned weirdos.)

Iowa (-3.5) at Purdue

Nate M: Pulling for Purdue. Iowa will be breaking in a new quarterback. Rondale Moore coming back could be a game changer. Iowa wins by 10.

Patrick: Ummm....Purdue University 12 University of Iowa 10?

Mike: And now Rondale Moore is out. Iowegia 31, Purdon’t 17

Keith: Purdue down to +3, now paying +145 on the moneyline with Rondale Moore out. Lorenzo Neal is back and ready to clog up the middle. Give me the +145 and also under 55 pretty easily. Purdue 24 Iowa 20

Jill: Iowa is getting sued by former players but even if the Hawkeyes have to pay that, it doesn’t even compare to Kirk Ferentz’ buyout. The Hawkeyes beat Purdue and Ferentz gets an extension. Iowa by 4

Andy: You know Iowa picked the right conference when years of coaches being a bunch of ol’ white chuckling good ol’ boy racist dickheads (God-DAMN, son, that’s no way to dress around TOWN) is only the 3rd worst coaching staff behavior in the conference (still have to rank it behind kiddy rape and wife-beating cover-ups...but not by much).

Still they should be able the plow over that train named after a shot and a beer. Hawks 27 Purdue 16

Michigan (-3.5) at Minnesota

Nate M: Right off the bat we will find out if Minnesota “we unanimously don’t want to play” actually now want to play. I hope Minnesota loses every single game of the season. Go row that boat. Michigan wins by 10.

Patrick: I’ve become a bit of a Michigan fan. University of Michigan 32 University of Minnesota 27

Mike: I still believe that Minnesota was vastly overrated last season; the Gophers could have easily started the season 0-3. They played incredibly well in two games: against NU and then in upsetting Penn State. They caught a break in playing backups and first year quarterbacks in 10 of 12 games, winning every one of them. Now they have to replace their major contributors on defense. I was all set to pick the Weasels until I remembered that Joe Milton is going to be a first-time starter. So I think the Goofers luck holds out one more game. Goofers 27, Weasels 24.

Keith: Has anyone checked the weather? Snow and cold temperatures. Stay off the spread and take the under 54.5. That should be easily done as both teams will run the ball and look rusty on offense.

Jill: I didn’t understand anything Keith said. When in doubt, pick the home team? Gophers by 3. Jon has to listen to his rotten son brag.

Andy: I’m gonna ask for help on this one as I can’t decide which ego-loaded coach is more deserving of the Joe Paterno Make Sure My Name Is Bigger Than Any Of My Actual Players trophy. Bar folk - step up:

Jeffy - Wazzeezo, I have no idea who Michigan’s got, I dunno, Minnesota by under 6.
Bill - Uhhhhh, I think Michigan. (Face in hand) Screwed up year. MN doesn’t have anything

No help at all. Harbaugh rips his shirt off for a 4th quarter dad-bod fire-up. It initially backfires as he is removed for frostbite treatment, but the Wolverines fire up and come back late for a 16-15 victory. The school issues an apology for Dylan McCaffrey’s press conference remark that “we won it for coach’s frozen nipples”.

Penn State (-6.5) at Indiana

Nate M: Indiana has been talking a big game this off-season. They’ll be able to score points on Penn State but will they be able to slow down Penn State. Penn State wins by 10.

Patrick: Indiana is good or at least should be good, or at least think they will or should be good. Also, they really love hating us right now. Pennsylvania State University 27 Indiana University 17

Mike: No Journey Brown will make this a bit closer, but Penn State is on a completely different level than the Hoosers. State Penn 42, Basketball School Living in the Past 20.

Keith: Does it really matter? Indiana is going to lose. Penn State is down to -6 now after briefly dipping to -5.5. Still lots of money coming in on Penn State to cover. Indiana should be close in the first half but Penn State pulls away and covers 35-24.

Jill: I actually understood some of what Keith said. Yep, Penn State by 7.

Andy: Never base a bet on anything I say involving a Penn St. game. Any alumni or former player who ever suggested bringing back the Paterno statue should be sodomized by one of its smaller replicas to fully enjoy the “Penn St experience” like some of their younger, more unlucky visitors. No, you never get to “put this behind us”. Go Hoosiers, 25-24.

Maryland (+11) at Northwestern

Nate M: Northwestern wins by 10. See the trend?

Patrick: Man, I am already bored with these games. Northwestern University 8 University of Maryland 6

Mike: Northwestern is used to playing home games in front of nobody. And this year, they have a competent quarterback. NW 31, Terps 14.

Keith: This might be a competitive game. Maryland tends to do well in their first game of the year, so why not give me Maryland to cover 24-14. Better bet on the under 54.5.

Jill: Do I have to pick one? If so, I’ll pick the team that starts hot and then fizzles over the homestretch vs the team that everyone counts out and then claws their way back to contention. It is too short a season for the Northwestern maneuver. Terps by 6.

Andy: Mike stole my damn thunder lol. The original team built for playing in frontOf cardboard people in a pandemic is truly home in Coronaville. Turtle soup. NW 30 Maryland 14

Nebraska (+26) at an Ohio state university

Nate M: It’s going to be ugly and if OSU is up by 50 at halftime they’ll play their starters until they are up by 75. Of course moral victories don’t mean anything but if Nebraska stays within 20 then it’s a “win.” OSU covers.

Patrick: I hope I’m wrong. Ohio State University 93847 University of Nebraska 32

Mike: As we’ve seen this season, anything can happen. But Ohio State has been wanting to play almost as much as Nebraska; not catching the Bucknuts locked in on this game. aOsu 44, Huskers 27

Keith: The spread only opened at 19 last weekend. It has quickly shot up to 26 and reached 27 earlier today. The total has shot up to 68.5 from 64.5. Everything says go Ohio State and go over. Ohio State did well last year for me, so no reason to give up on that trend. I got Ohio State and under 47-14.

Jill: Some say that Nebraska’s desire to play the season gives them an advantage. Ummmm, Ohio State fought just as hard, if not harder. They also got that rare and mythical creature known as a five star recruit. I want to pick otherwise, but if Nebraska stays within 15, I’ll be happy.

Andy: You damn pansies. What we need here is really stupid and futile gesture of a pick and I’m just the guy to deliver!

What the fuck happened to the Husker prognosticators I used to know?? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh??? This could be the greatest night late morning/early afternoon of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst!! “Oooo, we’re afraid to pick the Huskers, Andy, we might get beat 52-7.” Well, kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this!

Ryan Day? He’s a dead man!! Master Teague?? Dead! Justin Fields??

Jon J (not really, but screw it): DEAD! Andy’s right! Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards! Now we could do it with power-I, conventional option football but that could take 18 plays/drive and cost millions of lives. No, we have to go all out! I also think this calls for a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part!!

Andy: We’re just the guys - LET’S DOOOOO IT!!!!! Huskers 38 Buckwits 35. The way back starts NOW. (Chug chug...shots!!...wipe tear....oh shit, I’m hungreh)