It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
Like most cannibis-enhanced big talk from the mountains, the hollow threat to keep Husker Nation out of Folsom Field proved to be just that – hollow. The Buffy fan base’s commitment to their football program can best be described as…”dabbles”. They show up occasionally, but their only sellout this season will have required an assist from 30,000 plus Nebraska fans.
The TV cameras desperately searched for Colorado students during the game. And every time they found straggling pockets of them, it was always a gaggle of creeps who looked like they descended directly from the McPoyles of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia fame. Without Husker fans packing the place, no one would have sat within three rows of these weirdos.
It all started so well – a 17-0 halftime lead and only allowing 83 yards of offense from the Buffs. Then came a third quarter that may have only yielded 7 points to Colorado, but brought a momentum shift which by the end of the quarter was obvious to anyone watching.
We were in full-on BOHICA mode yet again. (Bend Over, Here It Comes Again for any of you not well-versed in the last 20 or so years)
We don’t need another in-depth recap – flea flicker, beauty Montez toss, two runs/sack/Byron Bennett hook…shitshitShitShitSHITSHITSHIT!!! GoddamnsonofabitchwhywhyWHY(uncontrollable sobbing..deep deep breath) FUUUUUUUCK!!!!! No, no, sshhh, I’m sorry, I’ll quiet down now. SShhhhhh. Excuse me? Yes shot for me. And him. And him. And him. And her. Stay close my man, we’ll need you again.
Just...no bad decisions later.
What started so beautifully ended in ashes, vanquished by the McPoyles of the Continental Divide yet again. If one is looking for a positive, I guess he can take heart in that our reputation is still strong enough the winners saw fit to rip their goalposts down for a victory over a team coming off a 4-8 season.
We can’t take heart in that shit at all. And we don’t see their slimy ilk again until 2023. The good news is another game will be played Saturday night and there were/are plenty of ways to deal with the anger and disappointment until then. As a mentally stable and healthy individual, I’m more than happy to list a few here:
1) TRY SOME THERAPY -
Lay on the couch and describe in detail to the shrink your love of Husker football and hatred of Colorado. When he/she starts talking about feelings, tell him/her that you have dreams of violence against that team and their fans. Go into great detail on how you’d go about it. Think of movies like Saw and Hostel and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Begin shrieking and hurling objects around the room. They’ll press the panic button and the authorities will soon arrive to take you off for a night on a cot with a couple hots.
As long as you did no bodily harm, you’ll be released on your own recognizance by kickoff and feel much better for having vented your frustrations. Therapy can be powerful and effective.
2) PLAN A MILITARY INVASION OF BOULDER
Go as minimalist or as detailed as you like. Plan a carpet-bombing attack to take out any military and law enforcement installations followed by an armored ground assault capturing their populace and herding the prisoners into Camp McPoyle. Design graphics and let the whole thing play out on your far-too-lavish home computer system with a 74-inch flat screen
Or just go with “Nuke ‘em” and laugh maniacally as you imagine the smoldering pit formerly known as Folsom Field.
3) SEND SOME CORRESPONDENCE
Remember to type and send from a burner email account at a library far across town. The Colorado athletic department and coaching staff emails should be online. Write some heartfelt letters detailing exactly what you think of them and the Buffalo football team and the university in general. Again, use imagination and detail. Assume they will mean you harm for your thoughts and threaten them preemptively. Press SEND.
(Do not make eye contact with the library’s employees and never return. If you prove talented in this endeavor, there will be an intrastate investigation.)
4) WRITE YOUR BESTSELLING SPORTS NON-FICTION BOOK “Me & Colorado – A Hate Story”
You can churn this out in a week, no problem.
5) TAKE THE WEEK OFF FROM WORK & DRINK ALONE
Get a case of your favorite hard liquor, lock the doors, turn on the DVR and go to town. Watch replays of the game, take another swallow and wallow in the rage. Spare the TV but feel free to tear up some other furniture – people like you are why Mrs. B went into business and thrived. When you tip that bottle one time too many and nothing comes out, howl in agony and smash it against the wall in a rage. Then remember you bought a case, pull another out of the box and bite the cork off.
Don’t worry about sleep, your body will take care of that for you as necessary. Set an alarm for 9:30am Saturday morning. Kickoff for Northern Illinois isn’t until 7pm, so you have all day to eat some actual food, hydrate like goddamned Aquaman and be showered and smiling in time for kickoff.
You see there? You made it, you beautiful bastards. (And she-bastards, no misogyny here).
See you Saturday, GBR!