Mike: Time to break out the worst prediction thread in all of college football. And frankly, this might also be the worst opening weekend ever in college football history.
Patrick: It feels like fall.
Nate M: Why does the clock appear to be moving so slow? Come on 11:00 a.m., hurry up!
Uglydog56: Prediction articles with no postdiction article to call you out on your terrible guesses are the best!
Andy K: A college football season with a shred of genuine hope and no stupid trade war affecting alcohol prices. Yet. These are great days we’re living bros. We are jolly
green red giants walking the earth with guns the Frost Spread Option. (Bonus points for identifying that last quote)
Jill: Oh so close Jackrabbits. Oh so close. I seem to remember the Minnesota fan base being pretty salty that the Huskers were picked over them for the West division. The best part of the football season arriving is that FOOTBALL IS BACK!! The worst part is that it brings reality with it. I’m sure Husker fans will get out dose of reality at some point this season, but (spoiler) I don’t think this is the week.
Northwestern (+6.5) at Stanford
Uglydog56: the purple-headed warriors begin their season in typical Northwestern fashion: tanking all their non-conference games so everyone underestimates them during conference play. Stanford runs a set entirely comprised of fullbacks and tight ends as older Nebraska fans watch enviously.
Patrick: These teams are turning into each other. Not just academically but also in predicting their outcomes. This could go any which way but I’ll stick with our Big Ten brethren. Northwestern University 27 Stanford University 23
Nate M: I’m going with Stanford to win. Neither teams like making mistakes, but I just love me some Stanford.
Andy K: You’ll have to drop down to 1-AA or wherever the hell it is those Ivy League types compete if you want to find a game with a higher composite GPA than these two schools will provide. Think of it as the polar opposite of those early 90’s Colorado-Miami matchups.
In any case, Stanford will correctly answer “The Battle of Antietam” with :04 left on the clock for the 25-23 victory.
Mike: Both teams are in serious rebuilding mode, but Stanford has their quarterback situation figured out. Tree 24, NW 17
Jill: This might be the most boringly competent football of week 1. Northwestern has also been allergic to winning non-con games recently. Tree 28 Cats 19
Auburn (-3.5) vs. Oregon at JerryWorld, Dallas
Patrick: I want this to be good. I really do. Auburn University 31 University of Oregon 21
Nate M: Weird how these SEC “neutral site” games always end up much closer to them than the other team. DOWN WITH THE SEC! DOWN WITH THE SEC! Go Ducks!
Uglydog56: Oregon wears a uniform that doesn’t have one thread of green or yellow. Gus Malzahn sports an alternate uniform visor. Trickeration abounds, and the Ducks pull this one out. Malzahn likes the hot seat, it keeps his bum toasty warm during the harsh Alabama winters.
Andy: 15,000 Oregonians make their way to Dallas but only 47 actually make it into the game as 70,000 or so Auburn fans decide a trip to Texas makes for a fine time to express their 2nd amendment rights at every sandal-wearing vegan sporting a day-glo green or yellow starter jersey.
Shaken by a lack of fans & surprising number of pistols and knives being brandished by dentally challenged weirdos screaming “WAR EAGLE!!”, Justin Herbert throws a crippling interception on 1st & goal at the 2 with :47 remaining and Auburn hangs on 34-30.
Mike: Auburn is sending a true freshman out into JerryWorld to make his debut, while Orygone (copyright 1876, Lou Holtz) has 17 returning starters. Quack, quack, quack. Ducks 38, War Eagle 27.
Jill: Even though this will be a de facto home game for Auburn, I’ll go with the quack. Ducks 32 Tigers 21
Wisconsin (-13) at South Florida, Friday night
Patrick: Wisky will be better than anyone is giving them credit for and Charlie Strong will have a rough start to the season at South Florida. Jonathan Taylor will be running all over this one. University of Wisconsin 38 University of South Florida 13
Nate M: Wisconsin wins by 24. It will be ugly.
Uglydog56: Paul Chryst gets caught on camera using profanity directed at the other team. Jonathan Taylor breaks the single game rushing record. Lots of points. Lots of drunk, sunburned Wisconsinites (Wisconsinians? Wisconsinistas?) show up late to the game.
Andy: Wisconsin tends to show up for early season Jerry-World type games and South Florida got sonned the last half of 2018 by every team with a pulse. Four separate Wisconsin fans sunning their three-bill pale asses too close waterways teeming with crocodiles, each lose a left nut to the hungry beasts who are unable to resist nuggets not suitably covered by discount thongs with badger logos on the crotch.
Wisconsin however avenges them 31-10.
Mike: South Florida was bad last year against the run, giving up 248 yards a game and ranking 122th in the nation. And to open the season, they get the Badgers? Good luck with THAT. Jonathan Taylor goes to the top of the Heisman watch list after week one. Badgers 45, USF 13
Jill: I agree with the guys. Jonathan Taylor will pad his stats and Wisconsin fans will be drunk. Badgers 41 USF 18
Colorado (-13) vs. Colorado State at Mile High Stadium, Denver
Patrick: I really like Ft. Collins so I’m picking the Rams based on that alone. I hope to be sipping a Colorado brew during this. Colorado State University 23 University of Colorado 21
Nate M: Could this be a trap game as Colorado is looking to next week? I will go with yes.
Uglydog56: I’m kind of surprised that the spread is only 13 on this one. Buffs win handily, giving them the confidence to talk mad smack all week, when they just get mollywhomped. You heard me. Mollywhomped. Mollywhomped!
Andy K: Colorado put the hurt on the Rams 45-13 last year and it’s doubtful that CSU has flipped the script. However, CSU - if you get the urge to snapwreck a few of the Buffs knees after the whistle, rest assured that Colorado considers this a sporting good technique.
Buffies 38 Colorado St 14
Mike: What does it say when Patrick O’Brien finds himself lower on the Colorado State depth chart than he was in 2017 at Nebraska? On second thought, let’s not think about 2017 ever again. Doesn’t really matter... Buffies win 35-13.
Jill: Buffs win handily and bring a “cloud” of optimism back to Folsom Field the following weekend. CO 34 CSt 21
South Alabama (+36.5) at Nebraska
Patrick: Yeeeeeeesh, that’s one hell of a line......University of Nebraska 42 University of South Alabama 23 (garbage time)
Nate M: Nebraska explodes into the college football playoff conversation with a huge win over....South Alabama. They win by at least 45.
Uglydog56: I’m not as confident as everyone else. The center is the second most important player on the offense, and ours is a redshirt freshman with bird bones in his feet. That and the paucity of elite inside linebackers means Nebraska wins this one, but there are a bunch of things to clean up before Colorado week.
Andy K: The reason that line is so high is because South Alabama is bad. I mean, not just bad but awful. Like Alderaan vs. the Death Star bad. Like Leapin’ Lanny Poffo vs. Randy Savage bad. Like 1998 Fiesta Bowl Florida vs. Nebraska bad...
Oh, can I get a HELL YEAH???
Good teams ran them out of the stadium last year and so did mediocre and mildly bad teams. The 1st team may still be in there for part of the 3rd quarter but that’s only because Frost will want them to get a minimal number of reps.
Mills will go for 175 yards on about 15 carries and Mo Washington will be suspended and gain 83 all-purpose yards. Darrion Daniels will get a Suh 15-yard penalty for “tackling someone too hard”. Adrian Martinez will look like the mildly drunk uncle putting spin moves and stiff arms on 5th graders in the Thanksgiving Day backyard football game.
Expect to see lots of Noah Vedral, some Luke McCaffrey, Ty Robinson and a bunch of the other to-be-redshirted frosh getting 1 of their 4 games in.
The 3rd and 4th string defenders may make a colossal 4th quarter fuck-up or two that allows South Bama to cover the spread but I doubt it.
Halftime - Huskers 45 South Bama 3, Final 59 - 17
#GBR you wild-eyed savages!!
Mike: There’s probably a good two dozen 1-AA schools better than South Alabama right now. Nebraska should get out to an early lead, and then clears the benches of everybody who won’t redshirt this season. Huskers 56, South Alabama 13.
Jill: The balloons are released withing the first two minutes of game time. South Alabama coaches start ordering Runzas from the sideline shortly after halftime. Husker fans and coaches still find plenty of things to worry about - probably special teams, penalties and a whiffed tackle that gets USA on the board. Nebraska 54 S Bama 10