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Hoiberg Flakes: I’ve Got A Bone To Pick

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Every year there is a new summer drink that takes over America. I have learned this because my wife is usually on the lookout for it.

I would go into the past drinks that have seen the inside of our fridge but I did not take the time to get to know them. Most are carbonated, sweet, and “easy” to drink. The last part of that being highly objective.

This summer it seems to be hard seltzer drinks like White Claw. I like how all you need to do is put the word “hard” in something and it automatically makes it alcoholic. In the past we have seen the likes of “hard lemonade”, “hard cider”, and “hard root beer”. All marketing ploys with varying success.

White claw seems to be marketed to, like a lot of these products, to the younger crowd. The can is white with bright colors and it is the same shape as Red Bull.

Pretty huh?

Anyway, these drinks seem to be geared towards everyone form sorority girls to grizzled old men from Minnesota. The markets, taste, and low calorie content seems to hit all the demographics.

It’s also crap.

America, you are smarter than this. Right? Well, you should be. There is no reason why anyone who can read Goodnight Moon should be drinking this. We put a man on the moon, developed the zero turn mower, and also the fuzz pedal. Look in the mirror, you are better than this.

If you do imbibe this then you’re just another tool in the system, man. You’re better than this. Pick yourself up, take a shower, shave, and drink a real drink.

People, life is too short to be drinking this poorly.

Also, read today’s flakes.

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Auditory Enlightenment

Monday Haiku

The days get shorter

Summer time is now fleeting

Seltzer drinks are bad