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Big Ten Media Days: Questions We’d Ask If We Were There (Part 2)

If our Day 1 questions don’t get us kicked out, here’s what we would ask football coaches on Day 2

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: JUL 24 Big Ten Football Media Days Photo by Robin Alam/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

The “fun” continues on Day Two of Big Ten football media days. None of us are traveling to Chicago but if we were, here is what we’d love to ask the coaches.

(See our Day 1/Thursday list here)

Friday Schedule

8:00 am Kirk Ferentz - Iowa

At what point are you going to have your job title changed from head coach to “Emperor for Life”?

If punting is actually winning, and punting is a conservative strategy, how come the British label people who take risky gambles, "punters"?

Is Brian a dick at family gatherings too?

What’s it like to be in Nebraska and Wisconsin’s shadow no matter how good your team is or how bad they are?

What is your favorite Slipknot album?

Brbr Deng!

Do you feel threatened by Lovie Smith’s history of punting to lose in the NFL?

When’s your next contract season?

Does the idea of a QB who can run an 40 in under 5.7 give you the willlies?

I you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

8:15 am Jeff Brohm - Purdue

Why doesn’t the coaching staff wear the striped engineer hats? Aren’t they driving the train, so to speak?

You had the chance to go to Louisville, but stayed with Purdue. You wanted to be around for the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing celebrations, right?

Big Gulps, huh.

What’s the latest in ACL preservation technology?

The state of Indiana is just damned weird - discuss.

8:30 am James Franklin - Penn State

You lost, like, half your team to graduation, transfer and entering the draft. Who is left to play?

And who is this new player on the roster, Brace McPorney? He’s a quarterback, huh?

Since you beat Pitt last year, how do you plan to lose to them this year?

Do you miss your angry kicker?

Does being a prick come naturally or do you have to work at it?

8:45 am Pat Fitzgerald - Northwestern

Could you be bothered with winning a non-conference game this season?

Do you feel like growing your hair out? Mike Gundy’s mullet could be an inspiration.

How would you feel if your fans unionized?

SO are you actually smart or did nerds do your homework for you there?

Does it piss you off when we outnumber your fans at home games? That would piss me off.

9:00 am Paul Chryst - Wisconsin

Who are you going to blame for this season’s debacle since you won’t have Alex Hornibrook to kick around anymore?

Do you get asked to bring the beer to media days every year?

Have you considered modifying the training table menu to add other items besides brats, cheese curds, and beer?

How close are you to having a starting offensive line that weighs a ton, as in 2000 lbs aggregate weight?

Does your father (Barry Alverez) allow your to go out on your own during the off-season or does he need to hold your hand then too?

How does it feel to lose to PJ Fleck despite having the better team?

Do you need those stinking Badgers? We don’t need no stinking badgers.

9:15 am Chris Ash - Rutgers

How long do you think it will take you to get over the pain and suffering of coaching Rutgers when you’re fired this season?

Will you start your own rehab services for coaches that have coached at Rutgers?

If you want us to start a GoFundme to buy out your contract, we will. All you have to do is ask. (Not really a question.)

(Holds up a sign) If you’re being held against your will, claim you’ll be in the Big Ten title game.

So, you folks like meat filled sandwiches?

Do you think you’d be in the Top 10 in FCS/1-AA? OK, that was silly - how about the Top 20?

In your dreams, do you just flee?

9:30 am Jim Harbaugh - Michigan

With Urban Meyer out of the way, do you think you could actually win something of substance this season?

OHIO STATE! OHIO STATE! No, Coach Harbaugh, there’s not really a question, I just wanted to see you flinch.

Do you see yourself as an elite coach or is Paul Finebaum right?

Thoughts on switching to Banana Republic khakis?

I really just want to know how you plan on disappointing your fans this season.

Has the Board of Regents ruled yet on your petition to change the name of the university to Harbaugh?

This no division championships thing has to be stressful. Did Urban Meyer give you any tips on how to fake physical maladies to get out of a contract?

How much enamel do you grind off your molars when the press pays more attention to Scott Frost than you?

9:45 am Bill Carollo - Coordinator of Big Ten Officials

How long would games be if officials actually called offensive holding?

Which coach is the best at profanity? No really, you can tell us, we won’t write that one down.

Did they put you after Harbaugh so that you could start throwing flags and have him removed from the stage if he started chugging milk and talking about mankind’s unknown enthusiasms?

Happy you’re not officiating the PAC-12?

Is it okay if our players use the ‘horns down’ gesture? If a player flashes a M at Wisconsin, will they get offended?

If Rutgers wins a Big Ten game this fall, how long will fans have to wait while your team reviews the film to confirm the outcome?

When you try to explain to your officials that every hard hit is not necessarily targeting, do their blank stares make you wonder if they’re on some sort of depressant?