(From the gathering room outside of new Nebraska Basketball Head Coach Fred Hoiberg’s office at some point in the last couple of weeks. This really happened. This is not satire.** Bill Moos responded well to the criticism because he was very much PART OF THE PROCESS.)
Coach Fred: Thank you all for coming here today. As you know, Husker basketball will be adopting an entirely new system and culture in this and, hopefully, for many coming seasons. Some of you will not be asked to return and by some, I mean damn near all of you. Now let me begin by –
Asst Athletic Director Dennis Leblanc: Um, Coach? What is that shimmering circle of exploding lights and flashes behind you in your office?
Coach Fred: That’s the transfer portal. Now, moving on-
Leblanc: I’m sorry, Coach? I’m pretty sure the transfer portal is a list in an NCAA computer database. That thing looks like an inter-dimensional gateway of some sort.
Coach Fred: Listen, you worry about academics and leave basketball to me. Come to think of it, perfect time to introduce the two gentlemen behind me who will be assisting today. First off, I’m sure you all recognize Athletic Director, Bill Moos.
(Clapping and cheering all around)
Moos: (wearing furry fake moose antlers and holding a PBR can) Uhhhh – ooooooooooooo- ung -ung! (Swigs beer)
(Cheering quiets, confused looks all around)
Coach Fred: And behind me on my left, many of you will also recognize former Nebraska First Team All Big Eight Defensive Tackle, Christian Peter.
Christian: WHAT’S UP, BABY???!!!
(Lots of flinching & jumping back)
Coach Fred: Christian, Mr. Leblanc was asking some very invasive questions about our methods. We are a family and as such we trust each other; we do not pry. Please take Mr. Leblanc in my office and explain that.
Christian: (grabbing Leblanc by the collar) COME ON, DUDE!!
(Drags Leblanc into the office & the door slams. Muffled shouts of “I have a family!” are followed by lights flashing under the door and some zapping noises.)
Christian: (opening door) ALL GOOD, COACH!
Coach Fred: Bill & Christian, if you would accompany me, I would like to start with all non-graduating members whom we don’t have to keep from last year’s team. Please follow us in and close the door behind you.
(All players shuffle in)
Coach Fred: OK boys, there’s no easy way to say this. I’ve studied film of this team from the past two years and watching you play basketball is like watching lazy turtles with erectile dysfunction try to have an orgy in rubber cement. When we play Wisconsin, the Over/Under is lower than the Holiday Bowl. No more.
Amir Harris, Johnny Trueblood, Karrington Davis, Thomas Allen, Isaiah Roby, Tanner Borchardt, Nana Akenten, Justin Costello, Thorir Thorb-something-something, Brady Heiman? Please enter the transfer portal.
Heiman: I don’t know what that is but it doesn’t look safe!
Coach Fred: I suspected there might be…resistance. Christian, please help process them.
Christian: WHOOP WHOOP!
(Begins hurling players through the portal. Lights flash & screams are heard)
Trueblood: I’m not even entering the transfer portal. I’m just leaving the program!!
Coach Fred: No dissension. Christian?
(Trueblood hurled through the gateway)
Roby: (trying to fight his way to the door) I’m not transferring. I’m entering the NBA draft!! What the fuck??
Coach Fred: Sure you are.
Coach Fred: Uh, what the hell is Captain America doing here?
(Christian dispatches Roby in the portal)
Christian: Looks like that’s all of them, Coach.
Moos: Uhhhh – ooooooooooooo- ung -ung!
Coach Fred: Goddammit, Bill, we’ve talked about this. You’re not an actual moose!!
(Moos swigs beer, pets furry fake antlers on his head)
Coach Fred: Hold on, what’s that?
Christian: What’s what?
Coach Fred: (pointing at the portal) What’s THAT???
(Two hands are seen with a death grip on the edge of the gateway. Christian and Moos pull Thorir Thorbjarnarson from the portal back into Hoiberg’s office.)
Coach Fred: Well, I’ll be damned. Now, that’s the kind of determination we’ll need waving towels, holding everyone back and generally behaving like a weirdo on the end of the bench. I’m taking him back! Who is that?
Iron Man: Is no one going to acknowledge the Cap saying “language”?
Captain America: Yeah, it just sort of slipped out. Twice.
Christian: It’s that kid from Iceland whose name you can’t pronounce.
Coach Fred: Why is he limping?
Christian: Uh….it looks like something in there ate his foot.
Coach Fred: Well, let’s get with the trainers and get him another foot. He can’t run on the floor, hop up and down like a pansy and high five the starters at time outs if he doesn’t have a foot. I need my bench Gumbies AGILE.
Moos: Uhhhh – ooooooooooooo- ung -ung! (Swigs PBR)
Coach Fred: Jesus Christ.
Coach Fred: OK, let’s keep this rolling - please send in my secretary, the maintenance men, the assistant to the traveling secretary, the guy in the purple tie who looked at me funny in the hall last week, any calculus professor - Christian, you choose one, the band….
(The portal continues to flash, hum & spin)
** - This is totally satire. I need to state this because some have taken me at the written word on some really odd crap over the years.