clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Corn Nation Council: Dear Mr. Mayor

This has nothing to do with basketball

San Antonio Spurs v Chicago Bulls Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

There’s a new mayor in town. We here at Corn Nation are nothing if not civic minded and helpful, so we decided to put our collective heads together and come up with some ideas for solving the pressing issues our new mayor is likely to face in his reign.

As the recent floods have shown, first responders and emergency personnel are incredibly important and very underpaid. Given the mayor’s past experience in recruiting talented people to take on high-stress, low-paid (or unpaid) jobs, how do you think he can raise funds or recruit more people to be first responders?

Nate M: First, he needs to have a press conference. At that press conference he has to make it feel like he is one of us. He knows us. He can relate to us. How do you do that? Maybe he has some past family history that makes it sound like he was born and raised at 48th and Greenwood in Lincoln, NE. Maybe he has a grandfather who has some connections to the area. Or maybe an uncle.

He could even do the the cheap thing and say he grew up as a fan of our favorite sports teams!

Those are all things he could do at his press conference to raise funds and to recruit people. I think it could work.

Jon: If he recruited really tall people, they wouldn’t have to worry as much about floods. They could just walk around with their heads and their hands above the water, carrying food and supplies to people in need. They would be well-grounded, because that’s what makes Nebraskans.

They would give hope to everyone in Nebraska. They would say, “Here come the Hoiberg Giants to save us!”

Patrick: If first responders are what we are looking for then I would suggest he start a campaign to get more people to be...first responders. To be honest, he would probably get more people to be first responders than any political that I know of. I would do the same for raising money.

Though, I would run through the script a few times before I posted it online. Just a suggestion.

Every successful office holder needs a top notch staff. Who you got for deputy mayor, chief of staff, press secretary, chief of police, head chef, and bagman, errr treasurer?

Nate M: I don’t care who he gets for his staff as long as they can recruit. The bagman will likely need to be either Warren Buffet or Larry the Cable Guy. Or how about Tom Ricketts, he owns the Chicago Cubs and he didn’t spend a dime on the team during the off-season so he probably has some money laying around.

I hate baseball right now.

Jon: Holy shit. Who made these questions so hard?

Jill: I think Tim Miles would be a slam dunk for press secretary except that would probably be too awkward. Head chef could be JD Spielman except for the fact that he burns everything! (Ba dum bum). Chief of police has to Johnny Trueblood. With a name like that, how is he not a policeman already? As for bagman, I’m told there might be one or two of those from a blue school to the east that are looking for new jobs...

And for deputy mayor, I nominate Jon Johnston. He has management experience...I mean look at the well-oiled machine that is Corn Nation.

Wait, Cobby! We told you not to do that in the office....

Patrick: Ooooo, this is now fun.

  • Deputy Mayor - The guy who invented the computer mouse
  • Chief of Staff - Dr. Dre
  • Head Chef - Whoever is running the grill at the Wendy’s on Highway 81 in Norfolk
  • Bagman - Some Russian

One Word - Potholes. Go!

Nate M: I live between Lincoln and Omaha and every time I drive into the city I am amazed not only at the amount of potholes, but how deep some of them go. I’m lucky my car makes it out alive at times.

Jill: Rather than get rid of the potholes, hold a press conference and make the following statement:

We have the best potholes anywhere. People come from all over the world to see our potholes. Have you seen them, they’re yuge! I mean, other cities come and study them. Our potholes are amazing. There are people out there that try to criticize our potholes and make them seem like bad things. Can you believe it? Sad.

If that doesn’t work, incorporate pothole-filling into Husker athletic strength and conditioning programs. Slinging asphalt will become the next fitness craze.

Patrick: I live in a small town and ride my bike to work. (shrug)

What kind of wall should the mayor build to keep Hawkeye fans from seeking asylum in “The Good Life”?

Patrick G: I am anti this wall. Nebraska needs workers and it give us the opportunities to indoctrinate their children. If they live in eastern Iowa then it is going to happen anyway when Nebraska becomes a triple threat in basketball, football, and volleyball.

Jon: I’d say rather than a wall we build an invasion force. Once the mayor escalates his role to “The Governor” we can move towards this goal. I suspect it won’t take much due to the weak-minded nature of our enemy. We could easily take over Iowa by sending some guys in lab coats into Iowegian towns and telling the people there that the border has moved, that they are part of Nebraska now, and if they still wish to be part of Iowa they’ll need to move.

We can collapse the borders over time, just like a real-life game of Battle Royale but without the violence. We’ll compress them into Des Moines or Iowa City and let that be “Iowa” from now on.

Our secondary plan would be to convince them that Arkansas is now Iowa and they can all move down there.

Only question is - do we really want to do this? I’d say yes because Iowa has great dirt.

Jill: I say we move all the potholes to the west side of town. No one will get through there. When we collect enough of them, or are ready to deploy Jon’s invasion force, we can move them to the Missouri River.

Not only are they an impenetrable barrier on their own, but they can serve as reverse levees. If the Missouri floods again, it will just fill up all the potholes. Then we have our own personal moat along the Iowa border. Win-win-win.

One of the biggest community issues is the rise of the Jaysker; how do we deal with this mental health issue?

Patrick: This is an Omaha issue so have them pay for it, right? A Jaysker mental heath facility somewhere in west Omaha. I think that’s where most of them live so that would be the best place.


Jon: We need to recognize that being a Jaysker is an illness; a disease. The best way to deal with it is to make it so unattractive so that no one has the desire to come in contact with this dangerous substance. That means crushing Creighton into the ground at every opportunity. Those Jayskers who are too addicted to their cause can be deported to Iowa where they will be subject to the aforementioned invasion force at the proper time.