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Entire Nation Tunes Into Sporting Event To Complain About Non-Sports Issues

I so love the Super Bowl

NFL: Super Bowl LIII-New England Patriots vs Los Angeles Rams Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

Zach Smith is watching the Super Bowl for the commercials.

“I can’t wait to bag on the ones that aren’t showing enough inclusivity.”

He’s heard that Anheuser-Busch is bringing back their old standby Clydesdale horses for their commercials. “That’s great! I love the Cyldesdales, but if they don’t mention mixed-race families I’m going to dump my Budweiser out on the bar, try to start a boycott and leave the place screaming.”

“It’s a shitty beer and I won’t miss it anyways. It’s not craft enough”, he says under his breath.

Elijah Joseph is watching to see whether Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine is going to kneel or jump more than five times during his half-time performance. It’s a sign that he’s supporting a cause, even though 90% of fans couldn’t tell you what that cause is or what it stands for.

Ben Herman doesn’t even know who’s playing.

“What do I care?”, he says. “It’s not about the game. It’s about everything else but the game. Gladys Knight’s singing the anthem. Ads by capitalist hegemonies. That one guy who’s going to swear too much during the postgame celebration. It’s a huge event, and I’m bound and determined to find something wrong with it.”

Asked if thinks that will ruin the enjoyment of others, Herman says it’s par for the course.

“Complaining about big events is now a great American past-time. We have more money than anyone in history. Normal people can’t even afford to attend these events. They’re attended by royalty.”

Herman rambled on for quite some time about how the Super Bowl was the ultimate representation of capitalism gone wrong. He concluded by stating that we need to “tear everything down”, start over, but was unclear as to what real problems or real solution he was offering.

Other Super Bowl Joke Ideas That Were Rejected:

“Despot Channel to Feature Nothing But Close Ups of Bob Kraft During Super Bowl”

“Guy Nobody Likes Wears Patriot Jersey To Fit Into Neighborhood Bar”

“Root-based Chili Destroys Super Bowl Fun Forever”

“That One Girl You Know Loves Gronk”