I feel it’s pretty safe to say the Super Bowl is a national holiday, almost everybody I know is going to watch the game. Even the people who don’t like sports get together with their friends and have a good time. It’s still a shame the Monday after isn’t a national holiday, but I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon.
In this edition of the “Corn Nation Staff Loses Your Money,” we’re looking at a bunch of weird bets people are placing on the Super Bowl. I’m not going to lie, in years past I’ve thought about throwing a couple bucks down on a few of these. I’ve never placed a bet like this, but maybe if I do good this year I’ll throw down some cash next year.
Super Bowl Predictions
Jill: Whatever the Patriots plan to pick. They win the coin toss 95% of the time.
Jon: I would pick heads. I am the luckiest man alive. Listen to me.
Nate M: You always pick tails. Doesn’t everybody know that? It always lands on tails 100% of the time that it doesn’t land on heads.
Kade: Tails never fails. So I’d bet heads.
Uglydog56: I’m a leg and butt man. Tails it is.
How Long Will it take Gladys Knight to Sing the U.S. National Anthem?
Over/Under: 1 minute 50 seconds
UNLWiebe: Does anybody actually ever go under? I swear each time it’s over three minutes.
Jill: FiveThirtyEight says take the over
Jon: I usually miss the start of the Super Bowl. Actually, I usually miss the start of every NFL game. That includes the anthem. I miss them intentionally because they are not football, the sport, and I would rather watch the sport itself than all of its surroundings. This includes shots of players, whether standing, kneeling, holding hands, and what kinds of socks they’re wearing. When I first saw this, I thought, “Wait, I thought it was Aretha Franklin. What happened to Aretha? Then I remembered. Oh, geez.”
Nate M: Here is an unpopular opinion. When it comes to music, for the most part I prefer men. There are many many exceptions to the rule, but if a man and a woman are usually singing the same song, I usually prefer the male’s version. Probably because I’m a guy. One of the main exceptions is the national anthem. I love it when women sing it. When they do a great job it gives me the chills. I blame Whitney Houston.
If that doesn’t make you proud to be an American I don’t know what will. I would bet the over.
Kade: If Gladys is anything like fellow Motown stars Aretha Franklin and Dionne Warwick, she’ll cruise to an easy over.
Uglydog56: If Gladys is feeling strong, it’s the over.
Maroon 5 Songs Sung at Halftime
Over/Under: 4 Songs
UNLWiebe: If you include Spongebob’s appearance I’ll take the over.
Jill: I won’t be keeping track as I’ll be trying to figure out if I need to make more guacamole or not.
Jon: I enjoyed the Justin Timberlake half time show at Minneapolis, mostly because I knew some of the people involved in it. This year, there’s so much shit over “making a statement” at every appearance everywhere by everyone that I wonder why anyone would bother watching it. This is the time you should be getting more alcohol, relieving yourself, taking a nap, or walking the dog. Maroon 5 will perform one song before all the equipment fails.
Nate M: Jon doesn’t watch the pregame. I do not watch the halftime show. I’d rather go put my head into a snow drift.
Bet the over.
Kade: Is it specifically how many Maroon 5 songs will be sung, not total songs or songs sung by Maroon 5? If so, I don’t think Adam Levine gets more than four of his own songs, especially since they are working with the pressure of the ATL. Not to mention, we still have to fit Travis Scott and Big Boi in there, too. I’m going under.
Uglydog56: Are there five good Maroon 5 songs? Under.
What Color Will the Liquid be That is Poured on the Game Winning Coach?
UNLWiebe: Since I think the Patriots will win I’ll take the odds of water. The Patriots are no fun so I don’t expect any color. If the Rams take the cake I’ll go in the middle and take orange.
Jill: Trick question. No one would dare pour anything on Belicheck if the Pats win. If the Rams win, all liquids will part around the aura of Sean McVay and he will remain perfectly dry.
Jon: I don’t know who the coach is for the team who is playing against the Patriots. Come to think of it, who is playing against the Patriots? The LA Rams? The LA Chargers? The LA Raiders (HHAHAAHA just kidding on that one). I’m going with Purple because it would make me the most money if I bet on this stuff.
Nate M: If the Patriots win Belichick will get nothing poured on him because he will be too busy preparing for the draft. Because you know...the process. I have a feeling it is going to be water or orange Gatorade. By the way, when I was young somebody told me that they were choosing between Huskerade or Gatorade and the Florida won out. I was probably five at the time so that makes sense.
Kade: In the Rams first ever win in the Sean McVay Era, they doused him with clear liquid, probably water. Rams win, it’s gonna be clear. Orange, blue and clear are the staples of Bill Belichick’s post-game baths, so eliminate those others right away. Patriots are the model of consistency, after all. Orange and blue have an outside shot, but because I think clear for Rams and it’s an option for the Pats, money is going to the basic.
UNLWiebe: ^ Rick how dare you add a gif with an Iowa uniform...
First Doritos Commercial Color of Bag
UNLWiebe: Go Big Red!
Nate M: Blue.
Kade: Sweet Spicy Chili are my favorite. Purple.
Uglydog56: Nacho Cheesier.
UNLWiebe: Even though I think the Rams are a much more talented team, I think this is the last big hoorah for the Patriots. Gronk looks like he’s ready to be put in a wheelchair, and Brady could move into a retirement home tomorrow. That being said, I don’t think the Rams coaching staff will out-coach Belichick. I hate the Patriots so much so I think they’ll win, BUT I’m taking taking the -2.5 on the Patriots at the slimmest of margins because I believe this game will come down to the wire. For the sake of America I’m taking this game to OT and the Patriots win by a field goal. For those of you who don’t know why I’m picking OT:
Jill: The Rams will jump out to be big lead, but everyone knows that Brady and the Pats keep extra cash for the refs around for just those situations. Burkhead runs wild in the third quarter and the game is tied in the fourth. The Rams score a go-ahead field goal (Greg Zeurlein FTW!) Brady works his magic and gets the Patriots within 10 yards of field goal range with 15 seconds left but then someone tells Suh that it is really Colt McCoy in that #12 uniform. The refs think about putting one second back on the clock after Suh crunches Brady to the turf, but think better of it. LA holds on for the win.
Nate M: Patriots by 7.
First play of the fourth quarter and it is 3rd and 1 from the Rams one yard line. The Patriots will hand it off to Burkhead who will be met at the line by Suh. Every player on both teams stop playing as they are finally witnessing the unstoppable force going against the immovable object. The whole country...I mean the entire world watches patiently as both continue to fight for the one yard. If one person gives in it means he disappoints his teammates, family and long lost cousins. 14 minutes and 58 seconds pass by and neither Burkhead nor Suh have given any ground. Then at the last moment an official walks in and calls the play dead. Both Suh and Burkhead collapse to the ground from exhaustion and are pronounced dead at the scene. They gave everything they had. Fans from both teams rush the field as they start to carry their respective warrior out of the stadium. Then a voice comes out over the intercom.
“Take them to the center of the field. I will meet you there.” It was Scott Frost.
The fans lower the lifeless bodies of Suh and Burkhead down to the ground.
Scott Frost walks onto the field and the the fans part like water flowing around a rock. He kneels down and puts one hand on each shoulder of the fallen warriors. He then states, in a commanding voice, “Desire to excel, no fear of failure.”
Then the bodies of Suh and Burkhead jolted and their eyes opened. They looked at each other then up at Frost. Then in unison all three said, “Go Big Red.” Both players were forced to go to their respective sidelines because of the injury timeout rule.
Then Tom Brady scored the winning touchdown on a quarterback sneak.
Jon: Oh, I see that it is the Rams. They will win because I want them to.
Kade: As a fan of the Los Angeles Chargers formerly known as San Diego, these are the two teams we lost to without avenging the loss. That in and of itself hurts. I don’t like the dominance of the Pats, but I actually (unlike everyone) care about the Battle for LA. My heart is torn, so I go with my gut. Rams win by 2, 33-31.
Uglydog56: I really want the Pats to lose. I’m also already over this McVay worship. Is Clete Blakeman refereeing?
Who Are We Rooting For: Team Rex vs. Team Suh?
UNLWiebe: I’m sorry Rex had to suffer in Cincinnati for the start of his NFL career, but that's not worse than Detroit and Miami. Add that to the fact that I hate the Patriots, I’m all N on Suh. Go Rams.
Jill: What about Team Zuerlein?? Oh, okay - Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!
Nate M: If we are forced to pick then I’m going with Team Suh. I loved that 2009 team.
Jon: As much as I love Rex Burkhead, I will go with Suh. Most of the NFL sees him as a dirty player unless he’s on their team. Well, this weekend, he’s on everyone’s team except Patriot fans, and 90% of those people are bandwagon-jumping dunderheads. Go Suh!
Kade: I’m a Roy Helu and Ameer Abdullah guy. Love Rex, just not my favorite back of that era. Plus, Suh needs to finally win something after he was robbed of the Heisman. Go Suh.
Uglydog56: I want Suh to get that ring. Rex will get like 12 of them while he’s with the Pats. It’s not even a big deal for those guys. This might be Suh’s last chance.