Mike: Is it baseball season yet?
SpartyOnHuskers: If we end up 0-2 against Lovie Saturday, I may angry tweet things I regret later about firing Dantonio. Don’t make me regret angry tweets Mark.
Nate M: The worst part about writing about your favorite sports teams is that when they suck you can’t really take a break away from it. I’m over sports for right now.
Andy: What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I just threw a Scooter’s Drive Thru over a Radio Shack.
Jill: The Jackrabbits are ranked #4 in the FCS polls. I don’t know what y’all are talking about. Football life is good.
Purdue (-2) at Northwestern
SpartyOnHuskers: I might have thought Northwestern finally gets a win, but Purdue’s third string QB seems like maybe he will be a threat? Then again, Northwestern’s defense can generally make an actual tackle I’m pretty sure. Purdue 17 - NU 6
Nate M: Who cares. Nebraska is terrible. Purdue wins by 10.
Andy: Nate is ready to drink with us, Jon. Get your sister’s “cabin” again. Scream at him like you did Evan. This game? Really?? Prediction: Auto Reply: Out of Interest
Mike: Purdue fans are now wondering who’s the Boilermakers emergency quarterback now, as the top 3 from the preseason are now out for the year. Whomever they have left has to be better than what Northwestern has. Boilers 20, NW 9
Jill: Northwestern hates points. They acquire seven less of them than Purdue.
Penn State (-6.5) at Minnesota
SpartyOnHuskers: I want to go with Minnesota here because I hate Penn St/James Franklin. But... the hype train comes crashing down on the Gophers here. Penn St 49 - Minnesota Crew Team 31
Nate M: Who cares. Nebraska is dog poop. Penn State blows them out.
Andy: Goddamn, I want to get a couple fifths of something disgusting, pop in Nebraska - Colorado 2001 and watch Nate just completely lose his shit. He’s got acres of bug-infested weeds and scrub we call a forest in Nebraska to run wild in and vomit all over the local wildlife. Jon, call your sister & get back here. LET’S GET IT ON!! (Exhale) Dream over, PJ. Penn St 37 Minny 20
Mike: Here’s Gopher fan’s reality. The best team the Gophers have beaten is Nebraska. Now it gets real, Goldy. State Penn 42, Goofers 13.
Jill: OK, I’ll be that person. Gophers win on a last second field goal and the entire state of Minnesota can’t handle the attention and success...’Well, the Vikings still suck dontcha know...’
Iowa (+9.5) at Wisconsin
SpartyOnHuskers: F*** Wisconsin. That’s all I’ve got.
Nate M: Who cares. Nebraska smells like a pot of burned coffee. Iowa beats Wisconsin.
Andy: I’m listening to Here’s To Us by Halestorm. Great line in the chorus - “If they give ya hell, tell ‘em to go fuck them themselves. Here’s to us!” That’s for you, Iowa. From the heart. (Flipping you the bird, now. Double guns when you roll us again. Enjoy it while you can.)
Wiscy 30 Iowa 19
Mike: A month ago, Wisconsin looked like they were going to contend with Ohio State. Then second half poo happened against both the Illini and Buckeyes. And after a bye week to ferment those bad feelings, they host Iowa. Who can’t score more than 20 points against anybody with a pulse. Badgers 31, Squawkeyes 9
Jill: Two perfectly competent teams. Perfectly unwatchable game unless Jonathan Taylor gets back on the Heisman hype train. At Camp Randall, the Badgers win this by 14.
Stanford (-3.5) at Colorado
SpartyOnHuskers: This game is actually worse than Illinois-MSU, but not as bad as Purdue-NU. Hard pass regardless because I DON’T CARE.
Nate M: Who cares. Nebraska has no hope. I like Stanford and I dislike Colorado. Stanford wins by 4.
Andy: Out of conference quality, thhppppt.
But it gives me yet another opportunity to express my disgust for the Buffs! And, of course, their witticisms which usually begin with hillbilly jokes and end with “Ungh, ya suck ‘cuz it’s flat there ‘n’ we have mountains.” Oh, the power of the geographical zinger sweeps our leg yet again.
Or better yet, the ol’ I’m ribbing those Husker fans but if they win, then I didn’t really care because football is stupid, anyway. Now, where’s my sockless dress shoes and shorts? It be party time.
Now load up your plastic cups for more hilarious piss tossin’ and remind everyone why they sail right through Boulder and into the mountains beyond. And civilization. Tree 26 Felonious Piss Chuckers 17
Mike: Stanford has been getting better each week. The Puffs have not. Tree 31, Cucu Puffs 13
Jill: Hippies from the coast beat the Hippies from the mountains. Cardinal 28 Buffs 18
LSU (+6.5) at Alabama
SpartyOnHuskers: Bama without Tua loses and still gets in the playoffs where they beat LSU. Because this sport is freaking stupid like that and the people in power forget the pawns don’t want to watch a dumb rematches (here’s looking at you Big 12 title game) that shouldn’t be scheduled and screws LSU for no valid reason. I’m salty this week clearly. Also, what is a crimson tide? Skip the dumb elephant thing which isn’t actually their mascot, just a newspaper write up. Red tide is a dangerous algal bloom that can cause:
“A particularly bad algal bloom will not only smell nasty enough to repel beachgoers, it can also cause illness to swimmers . . . . Shellfish naturally accumulate the toxins as they filter algae from the water for food. Consumption of tainted shellfish can lead to a serious illness that includes digestion issues, tingling sensations, a rapid heartbeat, coordination problems, or even death when medical treatment is not quickly sought after.”
So your mascot, Bama, is a toxic algal bloom caused by nutrient upheaval following a storm? Bah-freaking-humbug, you suck!!! Geaux Tiga’s 9 - Elephants 6
Nate M: Who cares. Nebraska should give up on men’s sports. Joe Burrow could win the Heisman this year. Didn’t he want to go to Nebraska or something like that? LSU wins. I don’t know if that is good thing.
Andy: Yah. (Sigh) The story is Tim Beck didn’t think Burrow fit the offense. Well, it wasn’t like he was one of the top-ranked dual threat QB’s in that HS senior class with a Husker double legacy who actually, vocally wanted to come here. Oh wait. YES HE WAS & DID!!!
Pour me one, Nate. Wishful thinking I’m sure but it ought to be damned obvious by now I’m not poring over analytics. Screw Alabama with Andre the Giant’s dick - Sincerely, from the men on my side of the family that attended UGA. LSU 41 Alabammy 38
(Post-game note to Florida - take a suck of that! And please talk junk all summer. Again.)
Mike: Bottom line is that Satan doesn’t lose these games. Bama 38, Tiggers 27
Jill: Pulling for Uncle Ed on this one, but I already used my upset prediction card. In Tuscaloosa, I gotta go with the home team. Bama by 7.