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Interview With a Turtle: The CORN NATION Q&A With Maryland

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It spoke. I have no reason to lie to you.

NCAA FOOTBALL: NOV 19 Maryland at Nebraska
Hey! It’s Ryker!
Photo by John Peterson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

With two games to go, the Huskers face what is potentially the most emotionally devastating loss of the year for the program and its fans. Maryland, after scoring 142 points in its first two games against Howard and the laughably ranked Syracuse (now 4-6 with two of those four wins against Liberty & Holy Cross), has basically spent the games since then being cornholed by every squad not named Rutgers.

This is a bad, bad team. Really bad.

And we’re favored by 5.

5

Think about that for a minute. Our specialty this season has been getting injured and finding so many ways to step on our own dicks it’s getting hard to tell the Adidas cleat marks on our balls from the Under Armours. And the bookies are convinced we might even find a way to keep Maryland close.

I’ll disagree with assessment in Mike J’s predictions article, but it is a little scary that the dudes who set the lines think that’s in play.

So this week, unable to hunt down Maryland folk with knowledge of their team, I stole a turtle from a pet shop. I mean, a TERRAPIN. And I didn’t steal it, the zoo donated it. So it’s quality wildlife ready to talk. Let’s do this:

So - just for legal purposes, we need to begin by having you confirm I didn’t abduct you. Go:

(Turtle stares blankly)

Children Save The Sea Turtles In Central Sulawesi Photo by Basri Marzuki/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Shit, I was afraid of this.


Javon Leake is averaging close to 8 YPC but you’ve only given him 25 carries in the last three games. Why is that?

I’m a turtle, you jackhole. What do I know about football? Who’s Javon Leake??

Maryland v Ohio State Photo by G Fiume/Maryland Terrapins/Getty Images

I apologize - you are a TERRAPIN not a TURTLE. So sorry for the confusion. What is the difference between you two?

We’re all turtles, you jackass. Tortoises too. Us terrapins spend time both on land and in brackish, swampy water. Google it if you don’t believe me.


How is team morale after the sharp dropoff following the two blowouts to open the season?

Um, I’m not on the team so no idea. But I did just poop on your kitchen table.


Nebraska’s offense gained over 500 yards in their loss to Wisconsin with Adrian Martinez looking more like his old self and the offensive line springing Dedrick Mills for 187 yards. How do the Terps intend to slow them down?

What’s a Nebraska? I just munch on lettuce for God’s sake. Please just take me back to the store, you asshole.


OK, enough small talk - who takes this one and what’s the final score?

Well, Andy, obviously we’re a hot mess who got way overrated after a 2-0 start. -5 is a gift from bookies and Husker & Maryland fans alike should pull their pants down and rip the shirts off their back. Nebraska 44 Maryland 20

Wait.

I mean...I’m hungry. Please take me home. I have IMPORTANT things to do.

Zoo in Hoyerswerda Photo by Jens Büttner/picture alliance via Getty Images