The bye week is upon us and while our beloved Huskers lick their wounds, it is left to us as dedicated fans to solve all of our team’s problems with the kind of thoughtful analysis and deep contemplation which can only be found at the bottom of glasses emptied repeatedly and often in the midst of an alcohol-fueled rage.
We want conference championships. We want National Championships. We want 1st Team All-Americans and Hikesmans Trophies. We want legendary coaches and a culture where 9-3 seasons make us wonder just what in the blue hell went wrong.
Sweet shit, if the highway to that future is I-80, then we’re bouncing around on a rusty ATV somewhere on a dirt road in Central Kansas. The state itself, not some half-assed junior college.
As it falls to me to arrange the weekly Q&A’s, I found myself wondering who I could interview who would personify the quintessential enraged Nebraska fan. I needed an unhinged sonofabitch - the kind of guy who lives in a constant state of drunken ire. A man who could give two shits and no fucks when called upon to voice an opinion. But where could I find such a creature on short notice?
Just then I heard a commotion in the Corn Nation executive office bathroom. I knew Jon was off in some other part of building raving at a computer screen about something or other so he was quickly eliminated as the culprit. I heard the toilet flushing repeatedly, water splashing on the floor and a slurry voice cursing uncontrollably while hissing, “Take it! TAKE IT ALL, YOU BITCH!!”
I threw open the door and my heart sank because I knew I had found my man. Well, not exactly my man:
Yes, it was none other than Corn Nation stalwart (staff position unknown) Beauregard P. Cobblesworth. Cobby to his friends. And Parolee #374392B to his case officer.
Behind him, there were remnants of a shattered rum bottle, an overflowing commode and a soaked L’il Red stuffed teddy happily bobbing in the water.
“Uh, Cobby…” I began. Cobby leapt back at toilet shoving the stuffed doll under water while madly flushing.
“DROWN, YOU STUPID GRINNING LITTLE PRICK!! YOU SILLY JACKWAGON!! YOU HILLBILLY ASSHOLE!! A LUNG FULL A’ POOP WATER’LL WIPE THAT STUPID SMILE OFF YOUR FACE!! YEEAAAHHHHHH!!”
Thinking fast before he did untold water damage to our executive offices, I quickly explained my predicament and desperate need for an interview subject. After swishing off for a fresh bottle of his beloved rum and some odd-looking off brand cola, Cobby uncorked a belch reeking of Bronco’s burgers and gas station burritos and we began the interview following a dry heave or two on my part.
Fearing the worst, I began:
If you could build a moat filled with alligators and snakes around Memorial Stadium, which former coaches and Nebraska sports personalities would you throw into it?
I DON’T DRINK ALONE! FILL GLASS OR WE ARE DONE!!
(I pour a drink. Tally ho. *sip* Hey this helps!)
OK WHO TO TOSS IN THE MOAT. LET’S ROCK!
A) MIKE RILEY! F*** EVERY G*******MN BONE IN HIS WHINING BODY
B) MIKE CAVANAUGH! 3 YEARS OF LEARNING HOW HOW GET YOUR QB MURDERED FROM THIS SACK OF MEAT. YAH, THAT TAKES A MINUTE TO UNLEARN!!
C) KEVIN COSGROVE. THE MAN WHO ORIGINALLY PUT THE PINK IN BLACKSHIRTS!!
D) GEORGE DARLINGTON - SON OF A BITCH! LOOK FOR THE BALL!!
E) CLETE BLAKEMAN - NICE REFFING, BLEAK!!
Name 5 things easier to watch than our offensive line play.
- YOUR PARENTS F- (Cobby!!) OK, FINE, NANCY, BUT YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT!
- FRESH ROADKILL
- ALL 326 HOURS OF KEN BURNS “BASEBALL”
- THAT HUMAN CENTIPEDE MOVIE
- THAT ONE GUY TAKING A SLOW MOTION SHOT IN THE NUTS FROM THE T-SHIRT CANNON
- ARE ALL THESE QUESTIONS GONNA MAKE ME DO A LIST??
Some people say concussions will cause the demise of college football. I say it is the disappearance of the fullback. What do you think is going to cause this giant empire of money made off the backs of unpaid labor collapse?
(Cobby just stares at me. I shrug.) SHOTS!!!
(Done & done)
What kind of rotgut do you recommend pairing with a Runza (perhaps that is redundant)? What else would make up your perfect pre-game meal?
- #1? SAILOR JERRY, MY GOOD FELLOW. IT IS THE PERFECT PARTNER FOR ANYTHING FROM A CHEESE RUNZA TO A FINE RIB-EYE ON THE BONE TO SKIPPING A MEAL COMPLETELY TO ENJOY MORE SAILOR! BUT POUR A LITTLE COLA IN IT TO ENHANCE THAT FAST FOOD VIBE SINCE WE’RE TALKING RUNZA. AND GET TWO RUNZAS INSTEAD OF DICKING AROUND WITH THE FRIES. THAT CABBAGE WILL CLEAN YOU OUT LIKE TIDY-BOWL AND CLEAR UP ROOM FOR GAS STATION FOOD LATER!!
- PRE-GAME MEAL? SAILOR, WINGS, CHILI FRIES AND ANOTHER SAILOR. AND DON’T PISS ME OFF WITH THAT CHILI AND CINNABON HORESHIT. JESUS H GOD, THE THINGS PEOPLE WILL F*** UP IN THIS LIFETIME!!!!
(Quick break to refresh drinks, do another shot and calm Cobby down. I sweep up the remains of the glass he shattered against the wall and get him refilled. I’m feeling ambivalent about things. Rum, baby.)
Have you ever thought about Alcoholics Anonymous?
NO ONE LIKES A QUITTER!!!! WE’RE THE HUSKERS, BABY! FULL STEAM AHEAD!!! YAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!
(Cobby attempts to leap out of chair, snags a silk in the armrest and conks head(?)-first to the floor. Smelling salts and a shot are employed and the interview continues.)
Why is Maurice Washington constantly dinged up?
BECAUSE HE WAS SPENDING TOO MUCH DAMN TIME JERKING AROUND IN THE COURTS INSTEAD OF GETTING FILLED WITH RHINO DNA AND DEER ANTLER SPRAY AND WHATEVER THE HELL ElSE THEY’RE PUMPING INTO THEIR WEIGHTLIFTERS IN BULGARIA!!! IF A GUY IS 6’1” 158, HE AIN’T GONNA LAST BROTHER.
Are you going to Ireland in 2021?
ARE YOU NOT???
Who is most to blame for Husker fans feeling that preseason hype sold them that this team would be headed to 10-2 and a really good bowl game this year?
WELL, BILL MOOS OF COURSE. THE CRAZY SONOFABITCH WOULD FILL THE PRESS FULL OF THAT CRAP EVERY TIME HE GOT MORE THAN THREE WHISKEY NEATS IN HIM AND THAT WILD BASTARD HASN’T STOPPED AT THREE SINCE HE LEARNED HOW TO SNEAK JIM BEAM INTO HIS JUICE BOX.
“MARTINEZ FOR HEISMAN” “BIG 10 WEST CHAMPS”. “FROST B1G COACH OF THE YEAR”
AND THEY CALL ME CRAZY.
(Yes they do, Cobby. Yes, they do.)