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CN Staff Loses Your Money: Weasel Week Edition

Are we all just fatalistic, or just a jinx on the teams we think will win?

Before Michigan fans start complaining about 1997 Nebraska, they need to finish that season’s Rose Bowl game first. Ryan Leaf still has a 2nd and 10 with one second left to go.

Mike: Based on my record so far this season, I’d better pick Michigan this week...

Greg: I have a very love/hate relationship with football right now. I love it but it clearly does not love me back.

Uglydog56: Prediction threads are the best! Is this what it’s like to be a meteorologist? You can say whatever you want and no one ever calls you out on it!

Nate M: After starting the season 0-4 I am now....6-8. I should start betting on football right?

Paul: Hi guys! I’m finally getting in on the predictions thread on time.

Patrick G.: As per last yer....Nebrasketball is right around the corner!

Jill: 8-6 right now. #ThanksNebraska

Wisconsin (-3) at Iowa

Greg: I think it’s clear that Wisconsin, coming off of a loss, will win on the road. Because let’s face it, everyone should beat Iowa. Badgers 31 Jerkeyes 21

Uglydog56: I’ve never eaten corn with cheese in it. Milk, yes. Cheese, no. It has been said that Wisconsin has out-huskered the Huskers. The OutHuskers will out-husker the non-Huskers. Cheese Curds cover the spread over the Bad Corn.

Nate M: I have a dream for this season that Nebraska wins the division and goes into the conference championship game with a 5-6 record (now with the addition of Bethune-Cookman it’ll be 6-6). This game isn’t a necessity for my dream to happen but it’d be nice.

With that said, I’m going with Wisconsin.

Mike: There’s something weird that happens at Kinnick after the sun goes down. But I still think the Badgers don’t appreciate last week at all. Badgers 27, Squawkeyes 20

Paul: The Badgers are going to lose at least one this year that they shouldn’t. It would be nice if that were Nebraska, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Wisconsin 27, Iowa 17

Patrick G.: This is the modern day version of the two most stereotypical Big Ten teams and no one outside the region will watch. University of Iowa 7 University of Wisconsin 5 (double OT)

Jill: The B1G-est game of the week for sure....a cloud of dust after every play. I even bet Kirk Ferentz has been working on super-secret punt trick plays (no, not fakes, those are unethical in Ferentzball.) Wiscy wins. No one cares about the score, because it will be dreadfully boring and even the replay officials have to be awakened to review the challenge flag thrown the first time one of the teams throws a forward pass.

Minnesota (+2.5) at Maryland

Greg: Was Maryland exposed a bit last week? I think so. Is Minnesota good? They’re 3-0 good. Did you see that seven-point win over Fresno State? Eh, Gophers win on the road and cement themselves as the team to beat in the Wes-...hahahaha I couldn’t get that complete thought out with a straight face. But Minny still wins, and I’ll say by 7.

Uglydog56: If a rowboat strikes a turtle, what happens? This game, that’s what. Maryland beat Texas twice in a row, and for that I will give them my undying gratitude. But not my prediction. Oarsmen prevail over the rudderless Terrapins.

Nate M: Come on Maryland. I was rooting for you! Minnesota.

Mike: Maryland laid their on-field turd last week, but now the big question is what happens after the report on the death of Jordan McNair gets released. I’m tempted to say the Terps bounce back, but the report could be a distraction. Terps 27, Goofers 23

Paul: I don’t think the Gophers are very good. Turtles 31, Rodents 20

Patrick G.: Maryland beat Texas and now they’re awesome in the eyes of Vegas. Well, they’re also Maryland and got beat shortly after. University of Minnesota 21 University of Maryland 12

Jill: Both of these teams can look reasonably competent at times. Does Maryland still have all of their quarterback ACL’s intact this far into the season? Yes? That is a victory in and of itself. I don’t have enough faith in Minny’s ability to score points to pick them. Terps by 7.

Texas Christian (-3) at Texas

Greg: I’m just going with TCU because fuck Texas. Frogs 38 ‘Horns 27

Uglydog56: Patterson is a quality coach. He “punches above his weight.” Texas barely beat a bad Southern Cal team. They lost to Maryland! Twice! Fuck Dan Beebe, fuck Mack Brown, fuck crooked-ass referrees, fuck that one second, fuck Colt McCoy, fuck the Spirit Squad, fuck the Big 12, fuck One True Champions, fuck the UT Tower, fuck the Longhorn Network, fuck Texas being “back”, fuck albino squirrels, fuck Whataburger, fuck Matthew McConaughey, fuck oil barons, fuck Darrell K fucking Royal, fuck Bevo, fuck longhorn steers in general, fuck the color orange, fuck Tim Beck, fuck the bagmen, fuck the police, fuck the illuminati.......

Where was I? Oh, yeah. TCU wins and covers.

Nate M: TCU all the way. By the way...I’m currently watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective...classic.

Mike: Texas pulled off the big upset last week, while TCU came up a little short. Both head toward their means. Froggies 38, Bovines 28

Paul: No debate about this one. TCU 38, UT 25

Patrick G.: Texas versus the Texas Christians. The Christians looked good against Ohio State for awhile there and Texas still pulls dumb Texas stuff on the field. So that means... University of Texas 31 Texas Christian University 23.

Jill: What they all said (except Patrick). TCU 34 Longhorns 20

Stanford (-1.5) at Oregon

Greg: I feel like Stanford has been tested a little bit more in the early parts of the season, so for that reason alone, I’m going with the funny trees that aren’t cardinals at all 20 - Ducks 17

Uglydog56: There’s not even cardinals in the tree, Greg. Talk about a missed opportunity! Oregon has suffered the indignity of having to re-wear a uniform combination. This demoralizing event affects all aspects of their performance. Stanford plays a 6 tight end, 5 fullback set in the closing minutes to seal the win. I love Shaw-ball.

Nate M: I agree with Ugly...I also love myself some Shaw-ball. I’ll take Stanford.

Mike: Gimme the tree here. Tree 27, Ugly Uniforms 24

Paul: Unanimous (at least so far). Trees/Dude who wants to be Pope 28, Ducks 25

Patrick G.: Is the line on this really that close? I’ll play along. Stanford University 10 University of Oregon 9

Jill: (full disclosure, I’m adding this after publication but still on Friday night - 11:46 p.m. to be exact). I can’t lose ground in the CN gambling standings if I agree with everyone, right? The House Elway Built 4 Ducks Unlimited 3

Nebraska (+17) at Michigan

Greg: Ho boy! Here we go. I’m going to start this by saying that in the newest episode of the Five Heart Podcast, while we visit with Maize N Brew’s Josh LaFond, he mentioned a lot of talent but inexperience on the Wolverine offensive line. Perhaps, just maybe, our front seven can be disruptive enough to put Shea Patterson in some uncomfortable situations. We are second in the nation in sacks (per game, with 10...divided by 2...that’s math). If Adrian Martinez is going to play, and be effective, I think there’s a chance. And if you caught my prediction at the end of the episode, you know that I said ____________ (LISTEN TO THE PODCAST!)

Uglydog56: When you look at the matchups, it becomes evident why many picked this game as a Husker win in the preseason. Their weaknesses match up against our...slightly less weak weaknesses. IF Nebraska doesn’t gift the Wolverines the 17 point spread in the first five minutes like they have the last two games, this could be a closer game than anticipated. IF Nebraska plays a relatively penalty-free game, this could go down to the wire. IF Nebraska’s special teams pull their weight, this could be a Husker win.

Nate M: That’s a lot of “IFs.” I don’t deal with IFs.

WHEREAS, Nebraska defense has only been able steal the ball from an opponent once this season.

WHEREAS, Nebraska offense without Adrian Martinez has not been able to score a touchdown

THEREFORE, it is established that Nebraska loses.

Mike: Considering the quality of my predictions so far this year, I have only one thing to do: Weasels 31, Huskers 10.

Paul: The guys at Maize ‘N Brew are a lot of fun to work with. You should check them out. In fact, it might be something to fill the time when you give up watching what’s going to be an ugly game. Weasels 41, Huskers 21

Patrick G.: When do we play Bethune-Cookman again? University of Michigan 23 University of Nebraska 10

Jill: (again - added after publication but still on Friday night...errrr Saturday morning at 12:01 a.m.) This game has that weird upset vibe, but I’m not going to succumb to the temptation. I’m going to leave weird upset vibe alone and pretend I don’t notice it. That way, it remains weird upset vibe and will do its thing. I’m also writing a paper on the history of science education standards in the U.S. while remembering that I forgot to add this prediction before publication. Science says Meechigan more than Nebraska.