Mike: Here we go again, with the most entertaining and least accurate college football prediction blog in the nation!
Patrick: This is the week where everyone still feels good about their season. Well, everyone but those who previously played on “Week Zero”.
Greg: Definitely least accurate. But what do we look like, Bovada?
Mike: We ain’t THAT bad, Greg.
Salt Creek: Northwestern’s winning the Big Ten. (Eventually I’ll be right.) (May require a plague or the Big Ten to institute a “any scandal means no championship” rule.)
Uglydog56: Now that I’m predicting, I see our accuracy improving IMMENSELY. (narrator: their accuracy record did not improve immensely)
Nate M: I had something else written here but I realized I must have some bent up anger about SEC and supposed “neutral site” games. But other than that we are better than Bovada for sure.
UNLWiebe: I am in a college pick’em this year so I hope I’m the most accurate here.
Andy K: If I could pick football games worth a damn, I’d be a professional gambler and waving $100 bills like Papa John at babes in Vegas asking who wants a ride in my Lambo. Unfortunately for you people, I stink, so you get to read my lunatic prognostications instead. (Also, I wouldn’t do that - Papa John is an asshole. I’d just eat out more and play a lot of golf.)
Jill: My cynicism from the preseason roundtable has subsided somewhat. I’m still caution on the overall record, but starting to get closer to that “10” in the “how excited are you for the season?” area.
Nathaniel? FROST WARNING! I’m here to put a freeze on your losing streak.
Michigan (+1) at Notre Dame
Patrick G.: To me, this is a game that needs to be played every year. For some reason I remember watching it on NBC (of course) and has become what makes college football good. This match-up screams college football on a cool fall afternoon. Well, it’s still August and it’s been a few years that these two teams have played each other. Michigan should have a really great defense and Notre Dame is expected to have a pretty decent offense....I’ll go with the Wolverines on this one.
University of Michigan 5 University of Notre Dame 3
Greg: So I hate Ohio State. Hated them long before the recent uprising. I hate Michigan a little less. So when it’s time for The Game, I always pull for Michigan. But when it comes to Notre Dame/ Michigan, it’s all Touchdown Jesus. Fighting Irish 20 Maize Munchers 17
Salt Creek: I’ve been told Michigan’s defense is going to be other-worldly. Considering Notre Dame is trotting out at least one new QB in 2018, I’m going to give the edge to Michigan here. I don’t believe Patterson will fix Michigan’s problems on offense, but I also don’t think Notre Dame is expected to trot out a championship-grade defense. Give me a BIG TEN CLASSIC with an under below 30 points. Michigan 17 (at least one defensive touchdown), Notre Dame 6.
Uglydog56: rooting interest? Meteor. Prognosis? A gritty, gutty, immovable object/irresistible force type of game. Defense wins championships, but not necessarily games. Brian Kelly’s complexion turns to indigo to guarantee the win.
Salt Creek: Wait, we can pick Team Meteor? I change my pick.
Nate M: Does anybody else have problems trusting a quarter back who wore #22 last year? Well I know he’s wearing #2 for Michigan this year but come on what is wrong with people? I think Michigan’s defense is going to be real tough and Shea Patterson has just enough mobility that they beat Notre Dame by 10.
UNLWiebe: I think this game will show how much better the B1G is than Notre Dame who would probably refuse to join unless the NCAA had a knife to its programs throat. While I don’t think it will be a blowout, I don’t think the score will be as close as it reads on the scoreboard.
Michigan 24 Notre Dame 9
Andy K: I do not like Michigan but I REALLY do not like Notre Dame. In addition to a couple of football programs whose legends are unfettered by much truth, the game also features a matchup of two of the most insufferable fan bases in the nation. Both finish consistently in the top 5 of Looking Down Our Noses At Others. Since this is in South Bend, some questionable calls will keep a last-minute Notre Dame drive alive for a 24-21 victory. Bleh.
Jill: If that Michigan defense is anywhere close to its projected ceiling, this will be a low-scoring game. It will also lead the nation in the amount of middle-aged former players being interviewed on the sidelines about the major awards they won. Wolverines 19 (I’m including a safety to go with two touchdowns and a field goal) Irish 10 with their lone touchdown being a pick six or special teams play.
Mike: I’m #teamMeteor on this one as well. But barring that, I think this one is looking awfully Khaki. Michigan has the defense, and may now have the quarterback. Weasels 24, Leprechauns 9
Nathaniel: Woooo #teammeteor for the win. At least live Irish music is a pleasant listening experience but so is Motown music arrrgghhh. I think the Irish luck out another win in this one. ND 17 UM 16
Auburn (-1.5) vs. Washington in Atlanta
Patrick G.: Not a fan on neutral site games. But let’s be honest, this is more of an Auburn home game than anything else. The Tiger War Eagles should come out strong and beat a fairly decent Washington squad. Why? Because it just means more PAC-12...
Auburn University 27 University of Washington 13
Greg: You think Auburn is still miffed about their bowl game loss last year? War Tigers 28 War Dogs 20 (remember that there are no kickers in the SEC)
Salt Creek: The only thing neutral about this is that it’s not on Auburn’s campus. Auburn is, I believe, 3 hours away from Atlanta. Most of their fans don’t live that far away. Washington is at least a three hour flight, plus the two hours at the airport pre-boarding, plus trying to escape Hartsfield on a game day on a bus. To review: The Huskies are DEEP in enemy territory, on East Coast time, and fighting the airplanes all the way, while Auburn just has to get over their demons from their last two visits to Atlanta. I think airplanes are worse than ghosts. War Damn Eagle 42, Washington 35.
Uglydog56: Three hours is in heavy traffic, Salt. This is an Auburn home game, just like the Peach Bowl was. Auburn also travels well. That’s 3 extra points to Auburn. Washington is a strong program, but the 3 hour time change will be a factor. The Huskies were smarter when they scheduled the cupcakes. Auburn by 5.
Nate M: Is it too harsh to say that the SEC is made up of a bunch of cowards? NEUTRAL SITE GAME? REALLY? You know where you could go where it would be neutral? Somewhere in the middle...like...Denver or Kansas City. Whatever. Washington wins by 6 because the SEC blows.
UNLWiebe: As much as I would love to see Washington win this game, I don’t see it happening. This is essentially a home game for Auburn and I don’t see any SEC school losing its one hard non-conference game.
Auburn 25 Washington 18
Andy: The SEC keeps alive its chickenshit legacy of never leaving the region for anything except bowl games with those trips being taken under protest. A week spent in Atlanta with Auburn weirdos cutting each other and vomiting on cars will have Huskie fans Ubering straight to Hartsfield Airport at game’s end which will be won by Auburn 31-20.
Jill: Has Auburn sufficiently recovered after losing to defending national champs, UCF? I don’t think it will matter, travelling east 3 time zones is hard on a football team, even one as talented as Washington. Auburn 31 Huskies 24
Mike: Udub is the fashionable darkhorse candidate to crash the playoff this year, but I’m not buying into it yet. War Eagle 31, Huskies 24
Nathaniel: How awesome would it be to see Auburn lose in Atlanta three times in a row. Let’s make it happen Huskies! They have one of the strongest defenses in the country and could give Stidham a lot of trouble. No more Kerryon Johnson for Auburn so it will be interesting to see how their running game will be this season. Nobody else is picking Washington to win so I will give them some love. A win this weekend could easily cement a spot in the playoff for the Huskies. Husky Puppies 24 Tiger Cubs 21
Miami (-3.5) vs. LSU at JerryWorld, Dallas
Patrick G.: I see we are still going with the wonderful first week neutral site games. Never the same experience as being on a college campus but that’s okay. As long as these institutions bring in the advertising dollars then all is forgiven. I’m going to go with LSU because I want Coach Orgeron to win and stay at LSU forever. We need more Coach O’s out there in the wild.
Louisiana State University 12 University of Miami 9
Greg: Man oh man. Miami will do big things in this game. LSU will too, but those will be big things that benefit the U. I don’t think this one will be very close. ‘Canes Raising the score, 35-17
Salt Creek: Mark Richt’s “I’m retired, rich, and live in South Florida, who wants to have fun” Miami team is going to wonder why they travelled all the way to Dallas to play a Sunbelt team. LSU is going to rationalize keeping Coach Orgeron for reasons other than fiscal responsibility. Miami 35, LSU 17.
Uglydog56: Coach Orgeron is going to give a wildly entertaining pregame interview, a nearly incomprehensible motivational speech to his team, and their confusion will result in yet another poor offensive performance. Mark Richt loses control of the playbook and the Canes run wild. Miami by 15+.
Nate M: Same thing as above. Neutral site game? It takes twice as long to drive from Miami to Arlington, TX as it does from Baton Rouge to Arlington. LSU is barely in the Top 25 right now and it is probably there just based off of reputation. Miami by 10.
UNLWiebe: I love Mark Richt. I wanted him to be hired here after Bo Pelini was fired in 2014. Of course, now I’m incredibly happy with where Nebraska is. Miami is overrated, and the turnover chain is only pulled out once. I’m rooting for Ed Orgeron in this one.
LSU 28 Miami 10
Andy: I’m going against the grain here. This is the type of game that Mark Riicht likes to find a way to lose and a win means a longer press conference for Ed Orgeron to go off in that Cajun-gravel voice and say wonderfully hilarious Ed Orgeron things. LSU 26 Miami 24
Jill: I predict Oregeronese becomes an officially recognized language after this season. Unfortunately for him, I think the ‘Canes are likely to build off their successes last season and show no mercy to the Tigers. Turnover Chain 34 LSU 17
Mike: Well, we’ll see how good Joe Burrow is. My instinct is that Miami is better. Start the Orgeron Death-Watch. ‘Canes 30, Tiggers 24
Nathaniel: Not enough people are giving Miami enough credit for their turnaround last season. LSU had not one but two quarterbacks transfer away this month. The seat might be getting a little warm for Orgeron (love his Cajun accent though). ‘Canes 31 Paper Tigers 20
Northern Illinois (+10) at Iowa
Patrick G: Iowa’s had an interesting off season in regards to their defense but might just have a quarterback to carry the team. That’s a flip of the script for the Hawkeyes. Northern Illinois will keep it interesting but won’t be able to pull off the win.
University of Iowa 35 Northern Illinois University 32
Greg: I want an Iowa game in this list every week, okay Mike? Northern Illinois 49 Squawkeyes 10
Salt Creek: Iowa’s first string remembered they have to live in Iowa City this fall, and half of them are sitting out this game. Northern Illinois returns a sticky defense and hopefully improves on offense. While Iowa isn’t 2017 Nebraska, an untested run game could be up for a challenge against NIU, leaving their eggs in the Nate Stanley basket. While I want to pretend NIU could rise up here, especially with Iowa’s losses on their lines, Iowa edges out a win here, tacking on a late fourth quarter TD to seal the win. Iowa 28 NIU 17.
Uglydog56: Iowa struggles in the first half offensively but uses some punts from the opponent’s side of the field to win the field position battle. Northern Illinois wins all the stat categories and holds onto a narrow lead into the final minutes. With :19 left in the game with 4th and 6 on the Northern Illinois 37, Kirk Ferentz brings out the 2 punter formation, runs the fake, throws the punter-punter pass for a touchdown - winning by 4, and Ferentz is diefied in the Church of Hawkeye. His contract is extended and rewritten such that the head coaching position must be Kirk or a direct descendent of Kirk, guaranteed for 99 years just like the Panama Canal lease.
Nate M: I already know what is going to happen. Iowa is going to lose this game by 3 and then beat us be 30. Because that is how this works. Northern Illinois wins by 3.
UNLWiebe: It would be amazing to see Northern Illinois beat Iowa like it did to us last year. As much as I would love that I just don’t see it happening. This game will go like every other non-conference game Iowa plays. Through the first three to three-and-a-half quarters the team will keep it close with Iowa and then choke trying to convert on 4th and 3.
Iowa 20 Northern Illinois 17
Andy: FUCK IOWA! FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THEIR- (remainder of post deleted by editor after a child saw it and burst into flames) Northern Illinois 21 Iowa 17 - see how you like it, *****es (more deletions)
Jill: If something can be willed into existence by the power of collective thought, the entire state of Nebraska is going to will the Huskies to a victory. Unfortunately, I don’t think Mike Riley coaches the Hawkeyes. The Hawks also appear to have a competent quarterback. Iowegia 34 NIU 20
Mike: In the last two months, two starters defected while four others got themselves suspended for this game. Add in the need to replace the running backs and linebackers, and I see a shaky opener for Iowa. And it’s against the MAC’s Giant Killer, no less. Northern Illinois has won four out of their last five B1G games.
THE WRONG TEAM IS FAVORED.
Big Dawgs 27, Squawkeyes 21
Nathaniel: No need to get too detailed about this game. Iowa wins but Northern Illinois covers. Pigeons of Iowa 24 Huskies of DeKalb 17
Akron (+24.5) at Nebraska
Patrick G.: I hope you all have drank enough Kool-Aid because the Scott Frost Era begins now! There will be hiccups and it won’t always be pretty but Nebraska will win.
University of Nebraska 42 University of Akron 17
Greg: That kook-aid tastes amazing! I already forgot my score prediction from the Five Heart Podcast, so let’s go 45-10 BIG RED!
Salt Creek: Terry Bowden’s dad isn’t coming to the game because he doesn’t think the Zips will win. Nebraska comes out FAST for 21, sputters for 2 minutes, and then coasts to a 56-3 win. Andrew Bunch gets some practice in Q4. (Yes, I’m predicting Nebraska will give game time to backups to build depth, a concept we haven’t see since, what, Solich?) We look better than we actually are, but confidence matters, and Colorado is next up.
Uglydog56: I’m picking 58-21. That’s 8 touchdowns with 4 2-point conversion attempts - 2 successful (2 TD’s each in 1st and 2nd quarter, 3 in the third, but only one in the 4th quarter which also features a failed FG attempt) along with the Zips getting two touchdowns in the first quarter (one off a turnover) and one more in the closing minutes. Martinez goes ham, resulting in an early lead in the September Heisman voting, edging out the Michigan candidate. Bunch gets all the fourth quarter reps.
Nate M: With the chance of rain and storms I’m going with 28-14 Nebraska. I did pick us to go 6-6 so....here we go.
UNLWiebe: Maybe my Kool-Aid is too strong, but I expect a big performance from the Huskers in week one. I expect them to be fired up to show the world how much better they are since last year. I think our defense is going to be surprisingly well rounded this year and I expect a good four turnovers.
Nebraska 55 Akron 17
Andy: We get a rarity of a home opener as compared to what we’ve been treated for approximately the last 16 years - one whose result gives us hope.
You know as opposed the ones like Arkansas St., Maine, the second half of Western illinois, etc., etc. that make us say “Oh crap...”, get forehead sweat, drink a little too much and get in arguments with Bleed Red die-hard strangers who see nothing but a Van Gogh masterpiece while we’re pretty sure we’re looking at some dogshit their kid put his hands in and wiped on construction paper.
Not this time.
Adrian Martinez moves the offense like a well-oiled machine, the defense plays with pride, Mo Washington makes 2-3 jaw-dropping runs and the Huskers run away with it.
There’s some tough days ahead, but not tomorrow. Husker 55 Akron 10.
Jill: The hype train gets underway quickly and looks to build momentum going into Colorado week. While I’m excited to see Adrian Martinez, I think I’m even more excited to see the running back platoon and what they can do if the offensive line has truly turned a corner. Nebraska 48 Zips 17
Mike: 2017 finally goes in the rear view mirror. The Huskers are better this season just about everywhere, across the board. (Well, maybe not at kicker or safety. But frankly, it would be harder to be much worse.) It’s going to be far from perfect, but we’re going to see clear improvement. The Big Red is finally out of the ditch, the transmission is overhauled and it’s time for the first test drive. Huskers 49, Zips 20
Hoss Reuter: This is CN Assistant, I am making a prediction for HASS ROOTER. He has chosen 47-17. Thank you.
Huskrboneyard: This is CN Assistant, I am making a prediction for HUSKER BONEYARD. He has chosen 45-17. Thank you.
Nathaniel: Scott Frost and the Huskers return to glory begins but Akron gets a backdoor cover with less than a minute to go. Huskers 48 Zippity Doo Dah 27
SPECIAL GUEST “RYAN OF THE COBCAST”: 69-3