On Saturday, September 1, all the talking and speculation across Nebraska will end for three or four hours when the Cornhuskers and their new coach, an alumnus from Wood River, take the field and treat the Akron Zips to a sound thrashing. To many folks watching, it will be just another noncon foe treated to a 48-10 pounding and some polite applause as they bleed down the tunnel afterward.

But in the state of Ohio, the pain will be sharper. The Akron Zips football team is currently the flagship sports program in the state, college or pro, and being slapped around by the Huskers has the potential to leave deep scars.

Wait, you might be saying. Akron? The top team in Ohio. Really??

Well, of course. I mean it’s pretty obvious, but let’s go ahead and break it down:

Cleveland Browns

Finished the 2017 season 0-16. Combined with 2016, they have just one win since the ill-fated decision to drop Johnny Manziel

Cleveland Indians

Last won world series in 1948. Drew ire of USA by pissing away 2016 World Series to the Cubs currently leading the nation in diehard hipster doofus “fans” who - given a choice between a dildo, frozen Hungry Man dinner, a handful of driveway gravel and a baseball - aren’t sure which of those things is a baseball. Average US citizen can name more Indians from the movie Major League than actual Cleveland Indians.

Cleveland Cavs

Akron’s favorite son decided hanging with Lavar Ball’s kid was an upgrade over going to the finals every year.

Cincinnati Reds

Are a collective 123 ¹⁄₂ games out of first since 2014.

Cincinnati Bengals

Currently tied with Huskers for most Super Bowls titles and saddled with a ginger QB who apparently has none of the evil powers that allegedly come with the red muff.

NFL Hall of Fame (Canton, OH)

Terrell Owens had better things to do, yo.

Youngstown St.

(Ah, let’s just let the healing begin...moving on....)

The Ohio University

2nd to the Akron Zips in MAC East 2017. Just.Not.Quite.Enough.

An Ohio St University

Human stain of a rat person ready to slice program to shreds for his cash. Fan base tightening their jorts and gettin’ ready to “put some bitches in their place” if he ain’t reinstated. University set to show spine of jelly by announcing toothless suspension tonight about 15 minutes before the week’s news cycle ends.

Everyone else

Bad or insignificant.

On the other hand:

The Akron Zips

• 2017 MAC East Champions (50-3 Boca Raton Bowl loss just further evidence of the powers of Carl Pelini)
• Alma mater of Ara Parseghian and Alexa Bliss
• Home of the world’s 1st courses in rubber chemistry
• Home to the world’s largest polymer program
• Former coaches: John Heisman and Gerry Faust. Current coach: Terry Bowden
• Used to play in the Rubber Bowl

SAVING AKRON - THE STRATEGY

It’s so incredibly simple that its genius cannot be minimized.

On September 1, Akron will be curb stomped in front of a Nebraska home crowd that would cheer for the Huskers to leave body parts on the field against a squad of nuns, Medal of Honor winners and cute baby golden retrievers, goats & pandas. The carnage will be unthinkable and the braintrust of Ohio known as the Cleveland Browns and local Annheiser-Busch reps is ready with a simple but effective strategy which will erase this nightmare from Ohio’s collective memories in a week.

Yes, the rumors are true. It’s free beer for fans when the Browns win their first game this season. These coolers have been distributed to ten random bars in Cleveland and will be unlocked remotely when the victory goes down.

Quite simply, once the Browns take down Pittsburgh in their opener the following weekend and are given free beer to completely lose their minds, Akron’s beatdown will quickly become a distant memory replaced by euphoria, an alcohol-fueled haze of twisted sex, violence and crimes against nature and a city-wide epidemic of crippling hangovers.

Before divulging the entire strategy, a few thoughts:

1. How awesome is it that they expect people to calmly stand by as patrons pass the free beers to a bar clientele who patiently awaits said beers? Riiiiight. Until we hear about this cooler actually being behind the bar, expect the Royal Rumble to ensue as every drunk Browns fan attempts to grab as many beers as they can hold. Please download these videos to YouTube as quickly as possible.
2. 200 beers per bar? That’s Bud’s definition of free beer after a win? C’mon boys, just have the semi pulled up out back. A couple thousand bottles of Bud Light given away will still be the cheapest marketing expense for the attention received EVER. Throw in the cost of cabs and Ubers for everyone & you’re still way ahead of the game.
3. I’m thinking you should offer a bonus if the Browns win by 10+...like having Joe Thomas power bomb Manziel through a table at one lucky bar. For a reasonable fee, I’m betting Johnny Football would be open to this.

OH THAT’S RIGHT.

HOW IN THE HELL WILL CLEVELAND BEAT THE STEELERS IN WEEK 1?? IT ALL SORT OF DEPENDS ON THIS, YES?

Oh ye of little faith. Like there isn’t a plan. There’s always a plan. Here’s the genius 4-pronged strategy:

• Friend of Laveon Bell is paid off to tell him over game day breakfast that owners plan to collude during 2019 free agency capping his offer at $10M per year
• Security guard bribed to look away on game day allowing entry to Shane Stant - oddly open to a cash offer - who gives Antonio Brown the Nancy Kerrigan treatment
• Ben Roethlisberger given new release of Call of Duty at 10pm night before Cleveland game. Zero hours of sleep ensues.
• Steeler defense showered with cash, whores and donations to preferred charities to allow the Browns to put 30 on the board. It’s Annheiser-Busch and it’s a write-off. This is not a stretch.

THE RESULT

The Akron loss to Nebraska is quickly forgotten after Cleveland’s 31-20 upset of the Steelers and the ensuing violence, glee and vomit that dominates headlines and airwaves. In the same weekend, Akron quietly slaughters Morgan St. and, while Cleveland settles back into rebuilding, the Zips regain the hearts of Ohio with a heroic 31-30 overtime loss to Northwestern followed by a 27-6 upset of Iowa St.

All is right in Ohio again.