Okay, so my Macbook Pro is broken. It’s broken. The ‘t’ key doesn’t work at all. That is broken. If it were the ‘z’ key, I wouldn’t give a shit, because I could still spell ‘shit’.
‘T’ - think about it. How many things involved the letter ‘t’. All the best words involve the letter ‘t’.
Tit - it’s a small bird, get your minds out of the gutter.
I hate Iowa
Gin and Tonic
Nearly all of my passwords, dammit.
Heart Attack -wait, no
We’ll go on.
I am typing this now on a cheap, crappy Lenovo refurbished laptop I bought for $200 to take to events. It’s easier to replace a $200 piece of crap laptop than it is my precious $1800 Apple laptop... except that I could buy NINE of these for the same price.
I can only imagine when I take my Macbook Pro - early 2015 - to the Apple Store - they’re gonna say - “Oh, that’s $400 or $700 or $23,000 because HAHAHAHAHA APPLE FAN BOI”
I haven’t figured this out yet. Except that I can still work on a $200 laptop.
So... some things are missing, like news. But here we go anyway.
The Story Out Of Florida - Frying Pans
According to the report, Zachery told police some football players noticed him on campus and started throwing rocks at his car, chased him with pots and pans and what he believed was an AR-15.
We aren’t talking nearly enough about the fact Florida football players had an air gun and frying pan confrontation after a falling out with someone named Tay Bang who lost money betting on them last season— Dan Wolken (@DanWolken) July 26, 2018
Let’s talk a little bit further about this story.
Some guys had airsoft guns painted to look like rifles. Some had rocks. And then... what, some guy had a frying pan?
I have seen little about this, but I know something about sizing up your enemy in a fight. If you’ve been around guns a lot in your life, and I know many Nebraskans have, you know what you’re facing. I don’t mean to make fun of that, and it might be hard in the dark, but let’s focus on that frying pan.
It’s like, “What you plan on doing with that frying pan, man?”
Is it cast iron? I respect a cast iron man. You gonna take a frying pan to a fight, best be cast iron. Not everyone has cast iron, though. Cast iron is hard. It’s out of date. Even thought it’s cheap and it will last forever if you take care of it (like a relationship, but we’re not going there right now). It’s not sexy nor fancy and it represents the worst thing possible - that you are poor. All you have to do is keep the seasoning right on cast iron. Sure, it takes a while to warm up, but it retains its heat, and then you can just cook for a while. It’s kind of like sex over 40.
He might be one of those guys who has just one frying pan for eggs. Non-stick pan, don’t go above five on that glass top stove. Burns the non-stick off. He’s an omelette lover, but on his better days, he’s a crepe-maker, more intelligent than most. Is he one to reason with or one who is so deliberate that he will kill me with a weapon that represents a connection to his soul? Don’t underestimate your opponent.
I always found those other frying pans confusing - copper-bottom-aluminum. Aluminum. Nondescript. Carried by my favorite people, riffraff, but I would not be afraid. I would simply say, “Dudes, beer on me?” and then we could have beer, but not fight.
And have a real discussion about frying pans.
There’s another point to the frying pan concept - you can look all across the internet, and they’re mentioning this frying pan thing left and right (NOT A POLITICAL REFERENCE) and NOT ONE of these articles talk about what kind of frying pan that dude is yielding which makes me really sad that no one actually cooks for themselves any more.
I have to admit, I haven’t made a crepe in years. A real crepe, you bastards.
We are so doomed.
Nervous Chickens? He could be right....
Years ago...Before you were born, possibly...
I was on the sideline at my son’s soccer game. I noticed another parent who kept reading books about Einstein and shit like molecular biology - stuff like that. I engaged him in conversation. I started slowly... “I like fire, it seems to have made this planet more hospitable” and we both agreed, and then I went right to “I work for a food manufacturer and I have a question for you, guy who reads about shit I don’t understand” and then I proceeded to ask him about why in the hell children had gotten so much larger than when we were both young men.
I mean... I played OL when I was maybe 170 pounds in 1980. Now, OL guys are 300 pounds, minimum. Dave Rimington, 1980, 248 pounds. 1983, 298 pounds. Dean Steinhukhler, 1983, offensive tackle, 257 pounds. Go and look at that roster. Rimington is the heaviest Husker and NOT ONE OF THEM is over 300 pounds.
I asked my newfound friend - “Why are these guys getting so much bigger?”
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about steroids in the 80s. No. Stop that. Why did your children who are normal children get to be 300 pounds out of high school? Is that just better nutrition? Weightlifting?
Or as my friend implied, did all those hormones we fed to chickens cross over into humans? He said there was little possibility, but he looked at me with that look and said, “Well, we’ll always say there isn’t that much of a possibility, won’t we?”
Is Jim Harbaugh insane?
I am not 100% sure.
(I want to try on being a conspiracy theorist. They seem to make more money than me. Will you buy my t-shirts?)
Don’t YOU HATE IT when people put things in perspective?
I appreciate tweets asking for help getting Scott Frost's belongings back. In other news, a woman was sexually assaulted at knife point on the bike path four blocks from my home Saturday.— Cindy Lange-Kubick (@TheRealCLK) July 30, 2018
With more and more millennials not moving out of their parents’ houses, a minor housing crisis is emerging. One engineer hopes to solve the problem by...
By building a $30,000 round dome in your back yard.
And by the way, I don’t think anyone is actually doing this.
I showed this to my rotten son. He said, “at $30k, maybe you should just pay for another year in college”.
Hhaaahahahaaha, that kid. His generation has so much debt that they will probably be living in tents in backyards.
You realize they will euthanize all of us, right?
They might do it because of the debt we’ve forced upon them. They might do it because they’re tired of hearing about ‘participation trophies’ when everyone who’s ever run a 10k gets a participation trophy and they’re tired of the double standard.
Does it matter, the reasons?