As the rum of summer begins flowing toward autumn, we are preparing ourselves to move on from non-stop speculation to the more concrete questions of fall camp by grabbing sports sections and hitting the web daily to see if Adrian Martinez displayed excellent decision-making, Breon Dixon gained three pounds or that stubbed toe of JD Spielman’s required a boot (“Did Frost just imply that Greg Bell would start by scratching his neck while saying his name after the practice presser????”)
I know these are all important things to consider but let’s get down to some serious talk - the kind that can only happen three drinks in after watching Avengers: Infinity War for the fourth time and bringing up late 90’s Husker highlight videos on your phone.
If the Big 10 coaches were all secretly Marvel superheroes, who would they be?
Thanks for asking, I’ve got your back. Below is the complete list of every Big 10 Head Coach along with their superhero names, strengths & weaknesses. Enjoy and don’t be shy about throwing your own thoughts down there in the comments. Here we go:
Real names : Tom Allen, HC Indiana; DJ Durkin, HC Maryland; Chris Ash HC Rutgers; Jeff Brohm, HC Purdue
Superhero names: Um, this:
Nobody has the first idea what any of them look like and, let’s face it, they’re all just wearing their overalls to dead-end jobs from which they will all receive butt-first exits within a couple years. They are the Minions of the B1G.
Super Powers: None
Weaknesses : Too many to mention
Real Name : Kirk Ferentz, HC Iowa
Superhero Name : The Vanilla Anchor
As bland as his offense with the permanance of the sun, The Vanilla Anchor will be in Iowa City longer than the U. Of Iowa itself.
Super Powers: When on the sideline, can sink his legs 20 feet into the ground making him virtually impossible to remove; inexplicable job security in the face of 7.1 wins/yr
Weaknesses : Playbook copied directly from 1979 NFL Strategy game; Iowa St.; videos of baby goats frolicking
Real Name: Lovie Smith, HC Illinois
Superhero Name: The Wrecking Ball
With a determination to break up the roter and reshape it in his own image, he shocked no one by quickly translating his NFL ineptitude to the college game.
Super Powers: Can wreck a roster fast; has the power to convince himself that starting 16 freshmen in the Big 10 is a good thing.
Weaknesses : Failed to acquire the roster rebuild superpower; being a grown man named Lovie who isn’t a pimp.
Real Name : PJ Fleck, HC Minnesota
Superhero Name: The Rower (seriously, what else?)
In a world of yachts, bass racers and aircraft carriers, one man chose to row.
Super Powers: Can row really well; looks good on TV spewing inspirational platitudes. About rowing.
Weaknesses : Inability to shut the fuck up about rowing boats; easily disoriented by Minnesota’s excessive number of lakes.
Real Name : Pat Fitzgerald, HC Northwestern
Superhero Name: Chesty McPurple
The prodigal son of the nerdiest school in the B1G. (Yes, they are smarter than you)
Super Powers: The confidence that only an All-American can have; tight haircut; ability to strangle any two Big 10 coaches not named Scott Frost
Weaknesses : Northwestern admission standards; purple fidget spinners
Real Name : James Franklin, HC Penn St.
Superhero Name: The Dickhead
(All of the pictures I considered would quickly be deleted. Most involved some sort of phallus atop James’ neck.)
James IS a magnificent dickhead. Just Google “james franklin jerk” and start scrolling. (In his defense, this is legally required of Penn St head coaches per Happy Valley statute. That’s “statute”, not “statue”, you JoePa loving dickspits. God, you people are twisted.)
Super Powers: Can piss off anyone (except Scott Frost, of course he is immune); power to convince scouts Christian Hackenburg is draftable; can actually coach
Weaknesses : Sudoku; is a victim of Imaginary Lat Syndrome; assorted dickheaded behaviors; ferret porn
Real Name : Paul Chryst, HC Wisconsin
Superhero Name: Chunk-O-Bert-ish
A ruddy countenance, an ever increasing portly build and a dedication to the run - these are the powers bequeathed to he who rules the Wiscy football program.
Super Powers: Much like T’Challa, the Badger crown has bequeathed Wisconsin powers to him; has inherent ability to not stray from Barry Alvarez’ grand blueprint
Weaknesses : Krispy Kremes, Cheetos, deep fried (insert some food here); starting to resemble Bert
Real Name : Jim Harbaugh, HC Michigan
Superhero Name: Jim Harbaugh (picked it himself)
(No picture. ESPN & BTN will use their powers of overrated overexposure to make sure everyone knows what Jimmy looks like)
Some folks think Jimmy is on the hot seat. I remind them that he is now one year past his normal deadline for feigning a shit fit about something or other and moving on to the next job. I say he goes 7-6 in 2018 and demands a 40% raise. The inevitable firing lands him as a contestant on MTV’s The Challenge where his weird behavior & thirst to be the center of attention will find its true home.
Super Powers: A strong & retarded desire to constantly be the center of attention; knows Ric Flair; inspires a pointlessly odd infatuation from sports networks; he’s a Michigan man
Weaknesses : Stops & stares for hours whenever walking by a mirror; takes off shirt around cameras despite pale dad bod; he’s a Michigan man
Real Name : Mark D’Antonio, HC Michigan St.
Superhero Name: Lemon Face
No other Big 10 coach can sustain such extended success while maintaining the visage of a man watching someone letting their dog shit on his lawn.
Super Powers: Is probably the best coach in league (except for Scott Frost. Duh.); can make a felon in row 57 start cleaning up peanut shells with just a look.
Weaknesses : Dawson’s Creek re-runs; Taylor Martinez; damn near his entire twisted university.
Real Name : Urban Meyer, HC Ohio St.
Superhero: Rat Boy
Proof positive that if you win, no one cares whether you have a soul.
Super Powers: Inspires boosters to “$close$”; spread offense guru; like The Shadow, can cloud CFP committee member’s minds; can perform Shake, Rattle & Clutch - the ability to fake seizures and heart attacks when trapped by long-term contracts & a checked-out roster.
Weaknesses : No actual human emotions; compulsion to eat five day old cheese and Dorito crumbs off floor then lick whiskers; thinks he can actually see plays better from sideline with that stupid spread-legged poop-squat hands-on-knees stance.
Real Name : Scott Frost
Superhero Name: The Big Red Machine
(I’d say begin enjoying around the :50 mark)
Born to coach. The literal son of Larry and Carol (I know...family...please don’t hurt me) and the collective offspring creation of Dr. Tom, Bills Walsh/Belichick/Snyder/Parcells, Mike Tomlin, Jon Gruden, Raheem Morris and Chip Kelly. A championship player and leader with an unheard-of coaching pedigree, The Big Red Machine was created to restore Nebraska to its rightful & holy place atop the college football world. And pummel you into chuck meat if you get in his way.
Super Powers: Ability to mesmerize the press & fans alike; restores the lost power of squats; creator of an offense that bequeaths 4.3 speed on all of its position players, including white tight ends; casts Aura of Protection spell over all family members; can pimp slap all other B1G coaches into the next county with little effort (except Fitzgerald - they maintain a respectful distance, but should it come to blows, PPV buys will start at $75 and one-third of a small city will collapse in the collateral damage much like Zod & Superman); can raise goosebumps by saying, “People better get us now.”
Weaknesses: Absolutely none, my friends, absolutely none.