August will be here before you know it and as sure I’ve been combing through my trusty Phil Steele in 15 minute bursts while squatting on porcelain with my shorts around my ankles, the predictions for the upcoming season will begin coming fast and furious.
These are shaky times for Husker fans. For many years now and especially the last three, we have unleashed glowing predictions for the upcoming season (“I heard Tommy’s decision-making has really improved!”) with all of the dickheaded optimism of a mouse taking that first nibble of cheese before the steel bar comes crashing down on the neckline.
Suddenly, there is reason for actual optimism. A head coach whose defining characteristics seemed to be a manic depressive combination of clueless optimism and abject surrender as well as an overriding desire to be liked by everyone appears to have been replaced by an HC and staff with a vision, an actual plan and determination to implement it the right way. Crazy times.
There will be plenty of time for articles predicting the starters, the final record, the score of each game, etc., and the possible crushing depression when it all goes south. However, I wanted to try something a little different. I’ve always loved a good headline followed by a lead sentence that pulls you right into the story.
Dan Jenkins is one of my two or three favorite writers ever, I quote him far too often and here is how he opened the article on the ‘71 NU-OU game, a masterpiece of sportswriting. A finer tone may have been set at the start of an article somewhere, but I never read it.
Nebraska Rides High: Cornhuskers Win “Game of the Century”
- In the land of the pickup truck and cream gravy for breakfast, down where the wind can blow through the walls of a diner and into the grieving lyrics of a country song on a jukebox—down there in dirt-kicking Big Eight territory—they played a football game on Thanksgiving Day that was mainly for the quarterbacks on the field and for self-styled gridiron intellectuals everywhere.
So with that as the inspiration, I invited the staff to give me their favorite headlines and leads for this upcoming season. Some ran for more than a few sentences, but dammit, that’s the exuberance of youth. And old age, apparently. I don’t know how much of this shit is going down, but they damn sure painted some interesting pictures. Enjoy.
Two Heads In A Duffel Bag
- As Coach Frost began to shovel dirt into the makeshift grave containing the sack with Barfnecht & Chatelain’s severed heads, he felt a momentary pang of regret it had come to this, but while taking a moment to mop the sweat off his brow, his guilt was assuaged as he thought to himself, “I told you miserable bastards - no questions about MY FAMILY.” - Andy K.
Husker players are optimistic that they’ll get their first win of the season this week against #1 Ohio State
“I really think we had a great week of practice,” said senior wide receiver Stanley Morgan, “the players are really starting to buy in to what the coaches are selling.” It is admirable for the senior captain to try to instill some confidence in his team for the upcoming game. However, it is hard to look at the effort last week against Minnesota and not come to the conclusion that “behind the woodshed” is where Ohio State will be taking Nebraska during this weeks’ game in Columbus. - Nate M.
Silver Creek Man Sacrifices Entire Herd in Preparation of the Upcoming Season
Emil Hansen of rural Silver Creek spent 5 hours on Saturday ritualistically sacrificing his collection of Holstein Angus mix cattle. The 230 head were supposed to go to market in the fall but Emil decided that he needed to do something that his family hadn’t done in 20 years and that was make a sacrifice for the football season. “My dad used to do it before every season. I stopped doing it after he passed in 1998 because I thought it was twisted and demented” the younger Hansen stated. “But it’s been so long that Husker football was relevant that we as a family decided to start the practice back up. Alter, robes, and all!” - Patrick G.
NCAA Issues Surprise Ruling on Recruitment and Eligibility of Cyborgs
On Thursday the NCAA announced that FBS teams would be allowed to recruit up to two cyborgs per year. Although the ruling surprised most football programs, one SEC coach seemed nonplussed by the move. Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban told Yahoo Sports “We’ve been recruiting half-human, half-cybernetic players for a decade.” - Paul
Recruiting: Injury Riddled Huskers Sign Walk-on Option Quarterback Scotty Brost
Dismal offensive line play has left the Huskers searching for answers as injuries to skill players have reached epidemic levels. In unrelated news, Head Coach Frost says he won’t be coaching from the sidelines from this point forward. Here’s a highlight video of the new QB in action: (Uglydog56)
Who is that under center? pic.twitter.com/ECoiHFdYCw— Gerrod Lambrecht (@GerrodLambrecht) October 17, 2017
Athletic Department Hires Dan Hoppen to Revamp Memorial Stadium Menus
The Nebraska Athletic Department has retained the services of Nebraska’s foremost and most verbose food expert to design a vendor menu designed to connect better with millennials. - Paul
Jonathan Taylor is Heisman Frontrunner after Record-Setting Performance against Huskers
Jonathan Taylor ran wild against a beat up Cornhusker defense Saturday night as the Wisconsin Badgers beat Nebraska 45-42. Taylor ran for 429 yards on 38 carries while scoring five touchdowns. The Badgers needed a last-second field goal from Rafael Gaglianone to seal the win. - A Tuna Salesman (Tuna??? Wtf? - ed.)
WTF IS THIS???
Nebraska Fans Want Scott Frost Fired After Loss To Michigan
(We all know that one guy who just has to be that way and he’ll be found by some reporter somewhere who will use him for a quote machine. His wife will nod her head, and said reporter will turn the headline into “fans”.
You know this will happen, don’t you?) - Jon
Nebraska Is Still Nebraska. Iowa Is Still Iowa
After a 42-7 thumping of the Iowa Hawkeyes, Big 12 senior associate commissioner Edward Stewart created a Twitter account in order to paraphrase his infamous quote from 1994. - Mike
Athletic Department Fires Dan Hoppen in a Failed Attempt to Revamp Memorial Stadium Menus
“We want to thank Dan Hoppen for all the effort he put in this past year to try and revamp the menus at the Memorial Stadium concession stands,” said Bill Moos in a short statement, “however the unfortunate aftermath witnessed by millions around the world as a result of Dan’s idea to nix both Val’s pizza and Runza from the menus was a clear indication that we were heading in the wrong direction.” Nobody from the AD’s office as responded to the video reports of men, women and children all participating in the violent protests on O’ street since the announcement. - Nate M
Jim Harbaugh plays record 14 quarterbacks in loss to Ohio State
Jim Harbaugh has been missing an offense and a quarterback since taking over at Michigan. He’s also sorely missing wins against his rivals, especially Ohio State. Things weren’t much different Saturday as the Buckeyes stomped Michigan 48-3. The Wolverines fielded 14 different players as quarterback. Star defensive tackle Rashan Gary had the best outing as a signal caller, going 2-for-3 for 6 yards while rushing for 5 yards on 6 carries.
“Rashan will remain the starter for the time being”, said a dejected Harbaugh. - A Salad Eater (okay, goddammit - ed.)
Study Shows Avocado Toast Consumption Leads To Higher Probability Of Knee Injury
A new study released by the Boston Medical School of Millenial Lovers shows that regular consumption of avocado toast may lead to a higher probability of being weak in the knees. The NCAA issued a caution to schools throughout the land to urge universities to stop feeding avocados to their student athletes
“This should surprise no one”, said old man and curmudgeon Jon Johnston. - A Millenial Hater (Whoever could these tuna salad eating, millenial hating people be? - ed.)
Amid CTE concerns, NCAA determines all future games will be played on NCAA 14.
A new branch of the NCAA will be responsible for standardized player testing and adjusting sliders to simulate realistic play. Scholarship athletes will be responsible for strength & conditioning, along with Wonderlic tests to determine awareness and vision ratings. The updated rosters will then be played in televised matches by coaching staffs. The move to eliminate all physical contact in sports has been lauded by the healthcare community... - Uglydog56
Tre Bryant announced as first Husker Cyborg player
New cybernetic knees have resulted in unheard of 40 and shuttle times in preliminary testing. - Uglydog56
Nick Saban Suspended By SEC After Punching Official
The nation was shocked only a little bit when Alabama coach Nick Saban cold-cocked a SEC line judge after what he thought was yet another “No linemen downfield call” on a RPO play by Auburn.
The SEC has ruled that Saban be suspended retroactively from coaching last week’s game against The Citadel stating, “He didn’t have to coach in that game so it’s like he’s already served a suspension.” - Jon
College Football Fans Demand Playoff Continue Despite Impending Apocalypse
College football fans across the US are adamant that the College Football Playoff go on despite a series of events that most certainly mean the end of all human life on planet Earth.
Russian nukes have destroyed most of the Southern states, including Florida, Georgia, and Alabama. Zombie outbreaks in Southern California have forced the game, if it were to played, to the midwest. Radioactive fallout has resulted in killer bees the size of helicopters to descend on those still alive in Texas. The Northwest has been wiped out by a plague of the mumps and those left alive are committing mass suicide due to a lack of avocados and Starbucks coffee.
Humanity looks to be done for. Still, college football fans will not be denied.
“This is bullshit”, cried Badger fan Ben Johnson of Madison, Wisconsin. “This is our only chance to have a playoff without the SEC involved, and they won’t have it just because the end of humanity is nigh? Are they worried that years from now our surviving descendants will find a plaque showing Ohio State or Wisconsin as the victors? Play the game, damnit!” - Jon
Harvey Perlman Blasts Scott Frost For Raising His Voice To Officials In Saturday’s Tilt Against Colorado
All hell broke loose in one of the strangest post-game pressers ever which saw the following:
- A screeching Perlman showing up out of nowhere to rail against behavior that “embarrassed beyond repair the reputation of the University of Nebraska!”
- Nebraska AD Bill Moos storming the press riser and slapping Perlman’s glasses into the 4th row of reporters while raging, “You don’t speak for Nebraska NO MORE, you sumbitch!”
- A masked, potato-shape-headed individual wearing a coach’s jacket with a red penguin and YSU on the breast following Moos up immediately after and delivering to a disoriented Perlman something a professional wrestling fan described to reporters as an “RKO”.
- Scott Frost off to the side saluting it all like Tommie Evans on the gold medal stand in Mexico City. - Andy
Arby’s Big Montana To Replace Runza In Memorial Stadium Beginning 2019
After an initial flurry of Molotov cocktails and pipe bombs in the first week following the shocking announcement, a depressed acceptance set in which was probably best summed up by Randy McNamara of West Point, NE: “I also lost my shit pretty good when they switched out the Fairbury franks for Wimmer’s, but that damn sun still kept rising.” - Andy K.
Nebraska Defeats Ohio St. 31-30 In Second OT To Claim First Big 10 Title
Walk-on redshirt freshman Chad Kush of Gretna, NE, still days from coming to grips with his newfound place in Husker lore, sat wide-eyed at the post-game press conference and answered the first question, “Coach Frost told me I was gonna block that extra point and from the snap to feeling that ball break my thumb, I just felt his power.” - Andy K.
DOJ Opens Probe into Russian Meddling in the 2017 College Football Playoff
The Department of Justice today announced that Washington State Head Coach Mike Leach had been hired to conduct an investigation into alleged Russian interference in the 2017 CFP. The stunning exclusion of Central Florida from the 4-team playoff and the inclusion of Ohio State, which suffered a mind-numbingly unbelievable 55-24 lost to the Iowa Hawkeyes, and Alabama, which failed to qualify for the the SEC Championship Game following a loss to Auburn, led many to question the objectivity of the process. Leach was expected to immediately begin hearings into whether the Russians are responsible for the decreasing number of pirates and whether anyone in the NCAA conspired with Russia to keep UCF out of the playoff. Ohio State Head Coach Urban Meyer called the investigation “a witch hunt” and “very bad for this country”. - Paul
Hogwarts Drops Quidditch, Adds American College Football for 2019
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Scotland announced today that it was dropping quidditch for American football and had applied for membership in the NCAA as an FBS school. - Paul