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Nebrasketball Gift Guide (Or, how I came to terms with my inner demons and realized that no gift will every fulfill the black hole that is the lack of an NCAA Tournament win)

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Merry Frickin’ Christmas Nebraska!

Creighton v Nebraska Photo by Steven Branscombe/Getty Images

Here we are folks. It is another holiday season. I hope they all of you have your Christmas plans all ready to go and are fully prepared for all of the joy that this time of year brings.

What, you forgot some gifts?

Well, lucky for you I have the answers to all of your holiday shopping problems. Well, not all of your shopping problems. More along the lines of just for those that are closest to you that are also Nebrasketball fans. Your friendly Neighborhood Nebrasketball fan might tell you that they do not need anything. That the warmth of the Pinnacle Bank Arena and a warm Runza is all they need in their life.

Well, that may be true but you are good and honest Midwestern folk and you want to do something nice for them anyways.

So, here are a few things that you can get your Nebraketball fan this holiday season.

In Search of Lost Time

Yes, Marcel Proust’s masterpiece. It is one of the most highly regarded novels of the early 20th century. The work itself is six volumes and 4,215 pages long. Have I read it? Nope, it’s right up there next to Infinite Jest on my bookshelf of things that I will read once I have a life again. I’m thinking of picking it up around 2047. By then all the kids should be out of the house, I am hopefully retired, and my ability to read like I want to will have returned.

Now, why would anyone want to read this? Easy, this book is perfect for those multi minute scoring droughts that Nebrasketball is known for. Let’s say Nebraska is up by 23 on Rutgers and all of a sudden the baskets go dry. What do you do? Well, you probably have at least 2 or three “game time minutes” to waste. Pull this book out and start reading. I am sure your Nebrasketball fan will get through the entire literary gem by the end of the season.

Why don’t I read this during these dead scoring periods? Because I have to write this stuff to entertain you folks, that’s why.

Rivers Cuomo Glasses

Tim Miles has many styles of glasses in his arsenal. The best ones are those that look closest to something that Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo would wear. So, why not wear something to emulate not only the current fearless leader of Nebrasketball but that of leader of one of the greatest indie rock bands since 1994.

Pringles

Because everyone love Pringles.

A Really Good Job

Everyone needs to work. Also, everyone would like a really good job. Some people have to wait until after they graduate from college to get a really good job. Other, have to wait even longer. Going through internships, multiple interviews, and a few failed career choices to get a really good job.

Or you could be lucky enough to be a top notch athlete that schools are pining for. These select few are offered “really good jobs” just by being able to shoot the basketball really well and rebound like you stole something.

$100,000.00

Am I being gratuitous enough for you this holiday season? If it walks like a duck...

Hook

So, there you are. Sitting in your aunt and uncles living room on Christmas morning. Your younger cousins are bouncing up and down around you. Annoying the every living daylights out of your brain. You are about to go absolutely crazy.

But, then your great third cousin twice removed pops into the room and pushes play on one of the top 50 best Robin Williams and Dennis Hoffman films every made (I honestly have no clue how may other films they were in. I’m spit-balling here)

HOOK!

Hook has everything you would ever want in a family movie.

  • Young people
  • Old people
  • Bob Hoskins
  • That one lady from the Harry Potter franchise
  • More importantly, BANGARANG!!!!!

Bad Cheap Alcohol

Because there’s a chance we are going to get beat by the likes of Rutgers and Penn State and this year you will be prepared.

Man, I hope I’m wrong on this one.

Well, that should do it. If you give your Nebrasketball fan one of these then you will have done your duty as a good friend. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and I will see you on the flip side.