CornNation Loses Your Money: Unlucky Horseshoe Edition

Mike: So is this a B1G Statement or BOHICA weekend?

Patrick G.: My propositions are elucidatory in this way: he who understands me finally recognizes them as senseless, when he has climbed out through them, on them, over them. (He must so to speak throw away the ladder, after he has climbed up on it.) - Ludwig Wittgenstein

Jill: 28-14. I was sure I picked Michigan State over Purdue. Then I read the words I actually wrote. But, that is not what I meant. Can I change it now?

Andy: (Googling “BOHICA”...aahhh, that’s right) I have some plans for Saturday. An 11:00am kickoff that results in an upset of the Buckeyes could seriously alter or flat-out destroy those plans.

Nate M: So I went 1-4 last week. Brutal. My one correct prediction was against Bethune-Cookman. I’m up to 23-20. Here’s to hope!

Uglydog56: I’m just here to watch Ranchbabe angst over picking yet another Iowa game.

Iowa (+3) at Purdue

Mike: Sorry Jill.. like it or not, this is one of the better matchups in the Big Ten this week. So we have to pick it. Both teams are coming off a loss, so which team do I fear more? That’s easy; pick the better coach (Jeff Brohm) with the best player (Rondale Moore). Choo choo! Boilers 38, Squawkeyes 28

Patrick G.: Logic pervades the world: the limits of the world are also its limits. So we cannot say in logic, “The world has this in it, and this, but not that.” For that would appear to presuppose that we were excluding certain possibilities, and this cannot be the case, since it would require that logic should go beyond the limits of the world; for only in that way could it view those limits from the other side as well. We cannot think what we cannot think; so what we cannot think we cannot say either. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

University of Iowa 12 Purdue University 10

Andy: That Purdue train is rolling up and down through the mountains and I think life as a favorite is not something they’ll deal with well. Even if the opponent is a bunch of goat-molesting four-flushing jackwagons like Iowa. Iowa 29 Purdue 24

Jill: I think Mike is enjoying this. Maybe I’ll spike his coffee next week before he picks the games. The Hawkeyes are an emotionless, soulless team that lives to suck the fun out of football. Purdue is fun. They represent everything Iowa, even new-fake-field-goal-Kirk, hates in football. Hawks by 3. Everyone loses.

Nate M: I’m going with Iowa. They burned me last week. But I still think they are the best team in the West.

Uglydog56: This is a toughy! Purdue is like a sports car with a bunch of sidedraft weber carbs on the engine. On those few days when everything syncs up, Hoo Boy! The rest of the time: teeth-knashing frustration and invention of new swear words. On the other hand, Iowa is the Toyota Camry of football teams. A late 90’s Camry, with oxidized beige paint, sitting in front of a single wide trailer. Said trailer is painted black and yellow, and an inbred, obese man with a tattoo on his belly stating “Hawkeye” resides there. But that Camry gets him to his job at the salvage yard, rain or shine. Iowa in a close one.

Penn State (+10.5) at Michigan

Patrick G.: We are asleep. Our Life is a dream. But we wake up sometimes, just enough to know that we are dreaming. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

University of Michigan 23 Pennsylvania State University 17

Andy: Rape U. is in the midst of a brutal stretch that has them playing Ohio St., Michigan St., Iowa and Michigan in a 5-game stretch. And while not the Top 5 juggernaut that some were predicting, they have kept everything close and Michigan still struggles to put points on the board at times. Wolverines win but 10 ¹⁄₂ is too many points. Wolverines 27 Statue Worshipping Pederasts 21

Jill: Um yeah. Give me the Wolverines and their bone-crunching defense. Trace McSorley did his best Aaron Rodgers impersonation last week, but he still doesn’t have anyone that wants to catch the ball. UM by a touchdown or two.

Nate M: 10.5 points seems like too much. I pick Michigan to win, but it’s going to be closer than 10.5 points.

Uglydog56: Today I learned Wolverine is another name for Skunk Bears. And that Skunk Bears are actually large weasels, not small bears. Also, I learned that Nittany Lions are just regular old eastern cougars, with a fancy name and an extended pinky or something. Unfortunately, eastern eastern cougars are extinct. Pretty hard to win a football game if there’s no one left to play. Weasel Skunk Bears win comfortably.

Mike: The big unknown is Penn State quarterback Trace McSorley. Or should I say “McSOREly”? Last week, he gutted one out against Iowa. Well, now it’s one of the nation’s best defenses in Michigan. McSorley is a competitor who’s has to have his leg immobilized to keep him off the field, but that doesn’t mean that a hobbled McSorley can beat the Weasels in the Big House either. If he plays - and plays close to the way he did last week - Penn State can hang with Michigan. If he doesn’t, well, it’ll be ugly. Michigan wins either way, and my money is that he’ll play at less than 80% effectiveness. Weasels 31, Nitts 17

Michigan State (-2.5) at Maryland

Patrick G.: The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity. (One is unable to notice something — because it is always before one’s eyes.) The real foundations of his enquiry do not strike a man at all. Unless that fact has at some time struck him. — And this means: we fail to be struck by what, once seen, is most striking and most powerful. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

University of Maryland 14 Michigan State University 9

Jill: This could be a sneaky good game. It could be a real stinker as well. But seriously, can you bet against a team with a quarterback named Rocky Lombardi? The B1G senses its television money bubble is about to burst and has grown made-for-movies football players in a secret lab at Innovation Campus. You didn’t think NU was brought into the Big Ten for its football program did you?

I can hardly wait until the Huskers play the Spartans so we can be subjected to endless “Yo Adrian!” memes. /Checks 2019 schedule. /Checks 2020 schedule. 2021, seriously? Someone get on the phone with Emperor Delaney and let him know of this travesty.

Where was I? Oh yea, Spartans by 4.

Andy: Same story with Maryland - beat up on some bottom-dwellers then lose to every conference opponent with a pulse. Michigan St. has a pulse and the Terrapins may have just a bit of a focus problem? Today’s headline - either the backup punter was beaten up by several teammates for talking to investigators about human shit-sack, DJ Durkin, or just got his ass whipped by the starting punter and made all that other stuff up to cover said ass-whipping. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s headline. Sunday’s headline: Spartans 30 Turtles 17

Nate M: Michigan State might be getting things figured out with a win over Purdue. Unless Purdue was just still coming down off the high of boat racing Ohio State. Michigan State wins by 10.

Uglydog56: Maryland has too much going on at home to concentrate on their job. It’s going to be like one of those safety videos we had to watch where the guy is daydreaming about the fight he had with his wife last night, and inadvertently sticks his hand in the hydraulic press. Sparty smashes hands.

Mike: Sparty is hot-and-cold, while Maryland can now move forward knowing that DJ Durkin ain’t coming back. I have to believe that the Terps were trying to send a message to their Board of Regents that they didn’t need Durkin from a football perspective. And they don’t. Somehow, the Board couldn’t quite figure that one out. Will all of the drama distract Maryland this week? My money is not: Turtles 34, Sparty 28

Minnesota (-9.5) at Illinois

Patrick G.: If someone asked us ‘but is that true?’ we might say “yes” to him; and if he demanded grounds we might say “I can’t give you any grounds, but if you learn more you too will think the same.” - Ludwig Wittgenstein

University of Minnesota 39 University of Illinois 23

Jill: I guess games like this are why Iowa keeps showing up in our picks. Damn you B1G. Lovie Smith has more hair on his chin than both Gopher quarterbacks have on their heads combined. Does this constitute actual football analysis? Yes, yes it does. The Illini defensive coordinator resigned this week and Lovie will assume DC duties. I don’t think it matters. Gophers by 10.

Andy: I’ll pass on this nutsack of a game. Moving to real games, it’s a large point spread but we’ve got #1 Alabama vs. #3 LSU going on as well as #8 Georgia vs. #9 Kentucky. I’m far more interested in contests that are basically for spots in a conference title game than bottom-dwellers slogging about in half-empty stadiums. Let’s take the 1st one.

Pundits are spraying money shots at their computers and televisions over an Alabama team with one of the worst strength of schedules (60th) in the top 20 and whose signature victory is over #20 and 5-3 Texas A&M. LSU on the other hand has played the 6th toughest slate in the country which doesn’t provide pretty blowout scores over UL-Lafayette and Arky St. but does ready you for games like this.

Pipe dream time - LSU 27 Bama 26. Ed Orgeron’s post-game interview shatters all records for incomprehensibility. (I think I just made that word up)

(Jill’s note: I second Andy’s comment about Bama/LSU here. I know we all hate the S-E-C but that is a way better game than Iowegia or Minnewegia.)

Nate M: Minnesota wins. Illinois loses. Simple as that. Simple. As. That.

Uglydog56: This is what other people felt like when they had to pick our games earlier in the season. Bama rolls. Boats float.

Mike: You can’t please anyone around here, I guess. Earlier, people complained that we weren’t picking Big Ten games. Plus, we’ve always tried to pick games with that have point spreads of ten points or less. You know, competitive games.

Bama is a 15 point favorite over LSU.

So yeah, we’re slotting next week’s Husker opponent against the opponent Nebraska beat two weeks ago. Tanner Morgan starts again for the Gophers after a strong performance against Indiana. Meanwhile, Illinois is trying to regroup after getting shelled by Maryland last week. Lovie Smith takes over the defense after Hardy Nickerson resigned for health reasons. I think Morgan gives the Gophers the edge in this one. Goofers 34, Illini 24.

Nebraska (+18) at Ohio State

Patrick G.: Philosophical problems can be compared to locks on safes, which can be opened by dialing a certain word or number, so that no force can open the door until just this word has been hit upon, and once it is hit upon any child can open it. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

Ohio State University 41 University of Nebraska 39

Jill: The Huskers are new and improved and THE Ohio State is coming off a beatin’. Adrian Martinez might give Urbz a headache or two but without some serious intervention by the football gods, I don’t see how the Blackshirts can slow down the Buckeyes enough to keep the Huskers’ potent offense within striking distance. Let’s enjoy it when the Bucks have to punt for the first time in years against Nebraska. I think the Huskers have a chance to cover but I’m going with tOSU by 14 in a game where the loser feels better than the winner when all is said and done.

Andy: Husker fans are allowing glimmers of hope to enter their lives again, so naturally history suggests that we’re about to get another kick in the goddamned teeth, right?

There’s two ways I look at it. Comparative scores suggest there’s a chance - Purdue beat us 42-28 and OSU 49-20; we beat the Gophers 53-27 and the Buckeyes only managed 30-14. Also, Ohio St. has problems running the ball.

On the flip side, the Bucks are passing the ball so well they may not need to run it and our secondary vs. Haskins could result in maybe 743 yards passing for Ohio St.

The X-factor I’m going with is the news “leak” earlier this week about Urban’s drippy brain (Leak. Yeah, pull this finger and it plays Jingle Bells). This sounds like Urbs is setting the table for another Florida-style medical bailout and last time, that was a red flag that things were falling apart.

Are they? Way too early to tell but losing to 2-6 Nebraska on the heels of a Purdue ass-whipping would definitely make Buckeye fans and administrators think about taking a 180 degree flip on their opinions regarding harboring sexually deviant wife-beaters on the coaching staff. And Urban will not be in town when the posse arrives. Let’s dream. Huskers 38 Bucks 37

Nate M: Last time I checked, ESPN FPI has a 95% chance we lose. I think it is a 65% chance we lose. But I think really could pull it off and it’s because of Scott Frost. If Mike Riley were leading this exact same roster would you feel the same? The progress shown by the program is so obvious that there are reasons to believe. But that doesn’t mean we win. Scott Frost gives this team reasons to be confident but they might be running into a buzzsaw. Ohio State wins by 17.

Uglydog56: I really really want this to be some Cinderella story where the plucky Husker squad catches lightning in a bottle, but that lightning is in a bottle that’s sitting on Jeff Brohm’s desk in West Lafayette right now. BUT, we at least make them punt this game! That’s progress, right? OSU last punted a football to a Husker in 2012. I think there are kids in my Calc 1 class that weren’t even born yet. Urban is as good at coming back from a loss as he is at covering up repeated episodes of domestic violence by subordinates. We’re gonna get handled. However, if the defense takes advantage of their weakness in the red zone, and the offense is productive, the game will be competitive at least, and show a lot of team growth since Michigan.

Mike: I think this one comes down to where Ohio State is at. Both teams will be able to throw the ball at-will, and Nebraska will probably be able to run the ball. But will Ohio State finally figure out how to run the ball this week? I don’t think it’s impossible for Nebraska to win in the Big House; the Buckeyes showed quite a few weaknesses two weeks ago. But with two weeks to correct things, I suspect they’ll figure out some solutions. I’m going with my gut here: Buckeyes 52, Huskers 31. Hope I’m wrong and the game is much closer than that...