We don’t much care for you, Iowa. And I could think of no better way to express that than to let Cobby handle the Q portion of the Q&A and let whoever the hell felt like it, answer them.
Cobby: One can’t help but notice that Hawkeye fans have an unhealthy obsession with Nebraska. Why do you think this is?
Nate: Because they would have sided with the British in 1776. Because they hate Thomas Edison for inventing the light bulb. They prefer out-houses to indoor plumbing. They prefer flip phones to smart phones.
Because they don’t want to improve as a program and would prefer that all other programs go down to their level. So they see Nebraska across the street who is actually willing to make the hard decisions in order to improve. Those decisions can be wrong, but at least Nebraska is willing to take a chance.
Iowa is perfectly fine with being middle of the road and it makes them angry that there are others in the world who aren’t satisfied. They are the kid in high school who makes fun of of a classmate for studying or for applying for scholarships.
If they beat Nebraska they will have eight wins and a chance for nine, and to Iowa fans that is a successful year. Perfect reason to give Kirk Ferentz a contract extension.
Jon: Because Hawkeye fans have smaller penises. It was clearly shown in a study by John Hopkins University that when asked, Iowa fans rated their penises just fine. In another study by Cornell University concluded that female Hawkeye fans had the fewest orgasms of any fans in any sport anywhere.
Iowa Western Community College, 5th Year Sophomore: I didn’t get into Metro.
Andy: Our national titles outnumber their Big 10 titles. **
Cobby: Is the Iowa administration putting too much pressure on Kirk Ferentz by setting his bonus requirement at 8 wins?
Nate: Yes. It should probably be six or seven wins. I’m actually surprised that he wouldn’t get a reduction in pay if he were to eclipse nine wins. Iowa needs to stay on brand. They don’t want to stand too far out of the pack.
Iowa Western Community College, 5th Year Sophomore: We share a paper route in the summer. He doesn’t talk much but Kirk once shared a double popsicle with me when it fell on the ground. I think he has earned 8 wins.
Cobby: All this typing makes me thirsty. Can anyone lend an ear of corn $30? If you said yes quickly, how about $100?
Everyone: You owe us $50 already
Cobby: How many national championships has Nebraska won? How about Iowa?
Iowa Western Community College, 5th Year Sophomore: None in wrestling. That’s all that matters. Also, I can’t count past 5.
Andy: That would be 5. Five!!! Crush all of our sub-par teams you like and you can never take that away. NEVER!! (Iowa fan always gets a chuckle out of this)
Cobby: Is there something to do in Iowa City? (“Drive through it at 82mph” is not an acceptable answer)
Dottie Harris, Iowa Tourism Dept: Well, there are five salvage yards in Iowa City. In case you need a new used fender for your Ford Escort
Iowa Western Community College, 5th Year Sophomore: I haven’t been allowed in Iowa City since my sister got in trouble. I think there is a nice Maid Rite restaurant there. It’s the best sandwich ever. Even better than those things you call Runzas.
Cobby: Without using a search engine, who is the greatest Iowa Hawkeye football player of all time?
Not Hayden Fry: Abe Satterfield and Cedric Everson are two shining examples of Hawkeye football players.
Iowa Western Community College, 5th Year Sophomore:
Mike: Why Nile Kinnick, of course. He’s from Nebraska, of course.
Paul: As the Des Moines Register points in in EVERY ARTICLE ABOUT HIM, clearly it’s acting AG Matt Whittaker.
Jill: Bert Beilema
Cobby: Mike’s got the predictions covered, so instead, simply make a derogatory comment here about Iowa. (The state, the football team, Hayden Fry, their fans, whatever)
Iowa Western Community College, 5th Year Senior: I love Iowa. Here’s a rundown of what my cousin/dad says about Nebraska. I hope he get’s out of the drunk tank in time for the game. I also hope he can pay mom/sister the past child support he owes.
Run The Damn Ball Guy: (Farts in sleep while dreaming of Zach Wiegert telling the opposition the upcoming play)
Jon: I think we’ve had enough derogatory comments about Iowa. We should just shower them with love now. I mean.... it’s not their fault that Kirk Ferentz has been kept around by a lazy athletic department head and paid way too much money to suck. Perhaps they are hostages in a bad relationship.
Andy: There’s no such thing as enough and they never tire of being reminded of their shortcomings:
- Raises and bonuses for a coach who has averaged 7 wins a year since approximately 1957 (when Hayden Fry retired at age 96)
- The driving 57 to spend 5 1⁄2 minutes passing the guy driving 56 on I-80 and, by extension driving 58 on 65 mph 2-lane Iowa highways.
- The body odor thing. We’re mostly polite about it and breathe though our mouths around you, but it’s real.
- The determinination to keep running Tom Osborne’s pre-option pro set offense and hope better things will happen.
- The is it a rivalry or isn’t it question. You’re not Colorado crazy about it but still. We’re ok without it. And Iowa St. should be enough for you.
- Stop eating gravy like it’s soup. Put some meat or bread under it.
(** - no idea if this true, but the phrases “national titles” and “national championships” from Husker fans turn Iowgians the color of our home jerseys. Also, it’s probably true.)