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Dear Husker Fan: A Message From Your Liver

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All I’m asking for is a break.

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon Visits Edinburgh Royal Infirmary
This woman is very concerned about your liver and she doesn’t even know you. She’s not even on the same continent.
Photo by Jane Barlow/WPA Pool - Getty Images

Hey buddy.

Down here.

Remember last week when Nebraska was up by ten over Northwestern and then we lost and then you decided it would be a good idea to chug that whole pint of Jack Daniels?

Yeah.

I understand that this is a tough year to be a Nebraska football fan, but it’s time you started thinking about me, your liver.

Since the season started six weeks ago, I haven’t had a break. It’s been loss after loss, week after week and every Saturday ends the same; you ending up in a drunken mess, peeing on the front lawn, and then having to apologize to the neighbors the next morning.

I know the losses are tough, but you’re slowly turning me into a brick down here.

I know if we lose, you get all depressed and decide to drink your sadness away. If we when you get all giddy and choose to drink yourself a stupor to celebrate. There’s no winning for me. I know we haven’t had a win yet this season, but it might come this weekend against Minnesota, and to me, it doesn’t make one damn bit of difference. There’s no winning for me.

How about if we make a deal?

If Nebraska loses, you use some other form of intoxicant to turn yourself into a vegetable. Maybe do some meth and rot your teeth. How about some cocaine, enough to make your heart explode out of your chest. Maybe you can do some acid or LSD or whatever psychotropic crap they sell these days – your brain could shoot right out of the top your head. The other organs in the other body parts need to start doing their part. Go lick a toad or whatever the fuck else is it they do these days.

If Nebraska wins, maybe you do something bizarre and decide to drink nothing but water for one weekend. I’m not talking about that fancy gas station water with the infused fruity shit in it. I’m talking water out of the tap. Free water.

If that seems a bit drastic, consider this. Would do you think would happen if I just decided to shut down?

You’re probably thinking, “Oh, no big deal, I’ll just get a liver transplant,” because that’s the kind of asshole you are.

The way this season has gone, I wouldn’t be the only one.

There’ll be livers shutting down all over the state. There’d be so many bricks the Nebraska Tourism people could change the state slogan to “Nebraska, Honestly, It’s not for everyone, but the heavily jaundiced” and everyone across the nation could come and see a whole state full of people turned yellow.

We’d be perfectly camouflaged in the cornfields, a whole new concept for “Children of the Corn.”

You do know that Jaundice starts in the eyes, right? Yellow eyes aren’t going to help you get any more hookups on Tinder. You’re going to be forever alone.

Maybe a whole bunch of heavily-jaundiced Husker fans could join the band on the field dressed as corn stalks like they did with those dinosaur outfits at Iowa State last weekend. That’d be jolly. At least everyone would forget the losing for a few minutes and wonder about their medical condition. And then probably have another drink.

This probably won’t help recruiting.

All I’m asking for is a break. At the least - one day, for crying out loud.

Otherwise I can turn into a brick. Or I could detach myself, climb into your intestine and let you shit me down the toilet. It’d probably be hours before you’d even notice, you drunk ass.

Let’s not let it get that far.

And let’s get a win this weekend.