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Turning Chicago Red Again: THE CELEBRITY EDITION!! Of The CORN NATION Q&A With Northwestern

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NCAA Football: Northwestern at Nebraska
Just one win. Please?
Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY Sports

As we prepare for what history tells us will be yet another down-to-the-wire finish with that other NU team of the Go Big Purple variety, we reached out to Northwestern types for a Q&A that would hopefully enlighten us Nebraska types as to what to expect from our opponent this Saturday.

Alas, all we received in response was crickets. But far be it from Corn Nation to give up. As popular and well-connected as the group at CN Headquarters is, all it took was a few phone calls to fill the void. Celebrities, sports figures, Northwestern alums and even fictional characters were thrilled to offer their opinions in lieu of people who might actually be knowledgeable on the subject.

So, for the first time but certainly not the last, I give you the Celebrity Edition of the Q&A.

Enjoy:

Beat Purdue, get waxed by Duke, lose by 5 to Akron, blow a 17-point lead to lose by 3 to Michigan then beat Michigan St. Who in the blue hell are these guys??

Gregg Popovich: Northwestern.

Techno Viking: Heute hatte ich eine wunderbare Mahlzeit mit Eiern und toast zum Frühstück. Es war eine absolut köstliche Mahlzeit, die ich immer schätzen werde. Ich danke allen, die dazu beigetragen haben. Meine Frau, mein Hund, mein Postmann und vor allem die Dame, die meinen Rasen schneidet. Ohne euch hätte ich diesen Tag nicht durchstehen können.

Michael Wilbon: I wish you could tell me. I don’t know who WE are! As many of you know, I am an alum of Northwestern.

Meghan Markle: Northwestern is a party school! Especially Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority.

Bwent Mooseburger: Ladies and Gentlemen, the lovely Duchess of Sussex, is absolutely right. And frankly, let me tell you that Prince Harry is a very lucky guy.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You are pukes! You are the lowest form of life on Earth! You are not even human f*****g beings! You are nothing but unorganized grab-asstic pieces of amphibian shit!!

Air Northwestern is taking flight again with Clayton Thorson as he enters his senior year. Having averaged about 36 passes per game since his sophomore season, will the Wildcats continue the air assault going forward or return to a more traditional Big 10 offense?

Gregg Popovich: What do you think?

Techno Viking: Lassen Sie uns nun über die aktuellen Ereignisse in Lettland sprechen. Ich kümmere mich eigentlich gar nicht darum, möchte aber, dass Sie alle wissen, dass ich Radikale bin und was immer wir tun müssen, um sie zu unterstützen. Wenn jemand von euch mit mir nicht einverstanden ist, schlage ich vor, dass du das World Wide Web sofort verlässt. Ich kenne C++ und werde sicherstellen, dass du deine Familie nie wieder sehen wirst. Mein Wissen ist stark und mächtig und ich habe viele von denen, die mir widerstanden haben, niedergerissen.

Michael Wilbon: I was on the field last week when Northwestern played, and I had a little chat with none other than Clayton Thorsen and let me tell you this. We had a great conversation while I was on the field talking to THE quarterback of Northwestern. Which is my alma mater.

Warren Beatty: 36 passes a night? Shoot I always made more passes than that in a night, and with a higher completion rate, too!

Bwent Mooseberger: Let’s go back to the lovely Duchess for a minute. I’d definite go for the forward pass in this situation.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What is this Mickey Mouse shit??! Are you quitting on me? Well, are you??? Then quit, you slimy f*****g walrus-looking piece of shit!

Do you have any celebrity football fans that attend regularly? More importantly, can you introduce me to Zooey Deschanel?

Greg Popovich: The league states I only have to answer two questions

Techno Viking: Im Laufe der Jahre habe ich viele Wanderungen durch den Białowieża-Wald unternommen. Ich bin nie auf einem Spaziergang gewesen und hatte einen Mann oder eine Frau zu mir kommen lassen, um nach meinen Hunden zu fragen. Ich hoffe, dass dies eines Tages geschieht, wenn ich meine Zeit im Wald genieße und das einzige, was es besser machen könnte, wäre, wenn sich jemand die Zeit nehmen würde, mit mir über meine Hunde zu sprechen.

Michael Wilbon: I attend all of the Northwestern football games on the field along side of the Northwestern football players while on the field because I am an alum on Northwestern University.

Seth Meyers: Why yes, yes I do know her. No doubt due to my extensive connections as a NW alum:

Bwent Mooseberger: If you are looking live this Saturday, you’ll be sure to find Larry the Cable Guy in the stands. He seems to be a regular at Ryan Field every couple of years.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That’s enough! Get on your feet!! You had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely f*** you up!!!

Speaking of fans, isn’t it only fair that, as the home team, Nebraska be given the concessions licensing fees from Saturday’s game?

Gregg Popovich: (walking away)

Techno Viking: Meine amerikanische Lieblingsband ist Hot Action Cop. Ihr Erfolg war kurzlebig, aber ihre Musik wird immer einen Platz in meinem Herzen haben. Die frühen 2000er Jahre waren eine großartige Zeit in der Musik.

Michael Wilbon: Well as an alum I will call the President and Athletic Director of the University in which I graduated and put them on speaker if you would like to talk to them. (just a second)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No soup for YOU, Soup Nazi! NEXT!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you trying to steal my beloved concessions revenue? Well, are you?? If it wasn’t for dickheads like you, there wouldn’t be any thievery in this world, would there???!!

Prediction time: do the Huskers rise to 1-6 or will the Wildcats extend our misery?

Gregg Popovich: (death stare)

Techno Viking: Ludwig-Maximilians-Universität München 23 Universität Heidelberg 14 Wooo Fußball!

Michael Wilbon: I just want you to know, that as an alum who gets to spend time on the field during Northwestern football games that I have a little insider information on this topic. Northwestern will...win and win handsomely.

Stephen Colbert: If Germans are happy, it means everyone else is miserable.

Bwent Mooseberger: My friends in the desert tell me that things are looking red on Saturday.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: The free world will conquer Nebraska with the aid of God and a few Wildcats! God has a hard-on for Wildcats because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! Northwestern 72 Nebraska 3, maggot!