Everyone is doing Way Too Early Top 25 lists. Mine is better than everyone else’s, because mine is labeled “Of Amazing Prognostication”.
I have looked into the crystal ball, the chicken guts, the lines on Urban Meyer’s palm, and after spending countless hours of divining with an Ouija board, come up with the most complete and sure Top 25 of anyone in the college football community.
I provide an explanation with some teams. Some I cannot, for one cannot easily explain the mysteries of the universe to mere mortals such as yourselves.
#1 - Alabama
Duh. What would be terrible is if we meet some intelligent species out there in outer space and they teach us how to prolong our lives indefinitely and we never escape from this Alabama-made hell. How many freshmen played in that title game? How many made a difference. They’re never going away, ever. Ever. Ever.
#2 - Clemson
Quarterback Kelly Bryant, running backs Tavien Feaster and Travis Etienne return.
#3 - Georgia
They are recruiting at a very high level. They’re not going away, just like Alabama isn’t going away. Running backs Nick Chubb and Sony Michel are gone, but quarterback Jake Fromm returns.
#4 - Ohio State
J.T. Barrett be gone, but who cares? They have all the players, including J.K. Dobbins and Mike Weber. Nick Bosa will be back on defense.
#5 - Wisconsin
Alex Hornibrook and Jonathan Taylor return. Most of the offensive line returns. Who’s really going to challenge them in their division?
#6 - Oklahoma
Lincoln Riley still has Bob Stoops recruits for now. Baker Mayfield is gone, and much of the defense is gone, but they just keep coming back. Someone is going to win the Big 12, and the Sooners are the team to beat until they are not.
#7 - Miami
Mark Richt. Quarterback Malik Rozier returns. Hell, nearly everyone returns here.
#8 - Washington
Someone is going to win the Pac 12. Again we’re looking at a team where nearly everyone returns. Quarterback Jake Browning, running back Myles Gaskin, and most of a defense that was better than you might think.
#9 - Stanford
Will Bryce Love return? Looking at the lines in my palm, I’d say he’s better off heading to the NFL, running back life expectancy and all that. Get paid, young man. The Cardinal have a lot of team coming back, though, even without Love. I can’t believe I just typed that.
#10 - USC
Sam Darnold is gone. It’s normally a concern when you lose a top NFL-bound quarterback, but USC seems to find them and replace them faster than 90% of the other teams in the nation. You should be more concerned that I just put three Pac-12 teams in a row in the top ten. It’s because 2018 will be a great PAC-12 year!
#11 - Penn State
Saquon Barkley be gone. Offensive coordinator Joe Moorhead left to become head coach at Mississippi State. Trace McSorly returns. I’d put them behind the Buckeyes, but ahead of the Michigan tandom in the Big Ten East.
#12 - Notre Dame
You always include Notre Dame. Always. It irritates people (see Texas, below). Will they be this good? Probably not. I should put Sparty above them. Way above them. But I didn’t. Irritated? Good.
#13 - Michigan State
HAHAHAAHA - Sparty is ahead of Captain Khakipants. And well they should be. They finished second in the Big Ten East. They finished 10-3. Nearly everyone comes back, including quarterback Brian Lewerke and damned near the entire defense.
#14 - Michigan
They have an excellent defense. They aren’t consistent on offense. Young quarterback Brandon Peters struggled, but he’s young for crying out loud. Yet when you look around at the Meechegan fans, it’s like they’ve already written him off. Straighten out their offense, and the Wolverines and Jimmy Boy will have a great season. Maybe beat Ohio State. CHICKEN GUTS SAY NO. HAHAHAHAH
#15 - Virginia Tech
Justin Fuentes. ‘Nuff said?
No one really really cares about the teams below, but everyone wants their team to be ranked anyway. Humans are weird that way.
#16 - UCF
‘Cause. Even though they replace their entire staff, they still got quarterback McKenzie Milton. You just wonder how much of Scott Frost’s offensive tendencies Josh Heupel will change.
#17 - LSU
Will they find an offense? It seems like the Tigers have been looking for a good quarterback forever. Offensive coordinator Matt Canada is out. Defensive coordinator Dave Aranda is still around.
#18 - South Carolina
Beat Michigan, didn’t they? You’d think they’d be higher, but last year’s bowl results are not indicative of the coming season’s success. (This is just an excuse for putting them here while Michigan is up there.)
#19 - TCU
#20 - Oregon
Lots of athletes, new coach. Brilliant colors to distract the opposition.
#21 - Iowa State
I considered Kansas State here, but tea leaves tell me there will be a political struggle between Bill Snyder and his administration that will reflect play on the field. Plus - the Cyclones! The little engine that could! Have you heard? Brian Peavy is coming back! He’s one of the best cornerbacks in the Big 12 - which is kind of like saying I’m the best sailor amongst my closest friends...
#22 - Oklahoma State
Probably too low, but while some may like Mike Gundy’s mullet, I find it a little terrifying. I would hate for that to be the last thing I see on this earth.
#23 - Auburn
Hahahaha this is way too low. The Ouija board spelled “Malzahn doom” when I asked about Auburn. Quarterback Jarrett Stidham and most top receivers return. Running back Kerryon Johnson, the guy who carried the team in 2017, declared for the draft. Hence, doom.
#24 - Purdue
Someone is going to finish second in the Big Ten West in 2018. Perhaps it will be Northwestern.
#25 - Texas
Texas? Yes, because including the Longhorns in a Top 25 irritates people. You always include Texas despite them not earning it and sucking all the time.