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2017 Big Ten Media Days: Questions We’d Ask If We Were There

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This is satire. We think. Well it depends.....

NCAA Football: Big Ten-Media Day Kamil Krzaczynski-USA TODAY Sports

Once again, the hordes of media & coaches will be descending upon downtown Chicago this week, for the Big Ten Media Days & Luncheon.

We won’t be there, but we’d have questions for everyone that will be on the podium for the two days that the B1G will be available to talk to.

Here’s what we would ask. Maybe. Possibly.

Jim Delany:

When will the Big Ten begin playing football games every Monday night?

What caliber bullet did you use to take out the $5 Bits Of Broken Chair Trophy? Related: why do you hate fun things you didn’t create with a sponsor?

What’s it like to look at ESPN and physically laugh at the offer they gave you for the TV deal?

When the B1G Basketball tournament comes around, how do you expect on spending that week before Selection Sunday? A good amount of Netflix and heading to Culvers?

So, when does the joke end & you send Rutgers back to the AAC for another school that isn’t as broke nor has their shit together?

Chris Ash, Rutgers:

Good lord, why?

Whom do you have the best chance of “sneaking up on” this season?

Is it frustrating when you have to Priceline the hotel for the team each road game? Also, eating at McD’s each road trip has to be rough on the nutrition.

Lovie Smith, Illinois:

What are you going to do with that buyout you’re gonna get after this season?

Does Tim Beckman still prank call you? How about when he moves your cart at the grocery store?

Honestly though, don’t you just giggle at the Bears up the road and think of all the job security that John Fox, who they capped you for, doesn’t have?

Tom Allen, Indiana:

I didn’t really have a question. I just wanted to say I miss you on that Home Improvement show, you know, power tools, all that. What ever happened to that one guy that was your partner on Tool Time? Is he your defensive coordinator now?

Are you going to allow cigars in the locker room once again?

Is it weird that no one can blame Tom Crean for your failures now?

DJ Durkin, Maryland:

You begin 2017 with a game against Texas, Tom Herman, you know, the next Alabama. What are the chances you beat those shitbags, proving that they’re as full of themselves as they’ve ever been?

When you guys play Rutgers, do you look at the other team and say “well, it could always be worse”?

How long did it take you before you stopped getting vertigo from your own uniforms?

Mark Dantonio, Michigan State:

Does your team feel so disrespekted that they might bother getting to .500 this season? Or are you trying a new approach, and going to make them feel like they’ve been skorned? Being held in kontempt?

Can recruiting get better now that Fleck isn’t pulling the overachieving MAC kids in?

Jeff Brohm, Purdue:

What was it like when you took this job? Like, holy hell, it’s that bad?

How hard did you laugh when you saw the recruiting plan of Ross Els?

Did you practice #TWISTYTHINGS at all this Spring?

Paul Chryst, Wisconsin:

Talk about your bold strategy of getting a new Defensive Coordinator every season.

Some say you’re the nicest coach in the Big Ten, but only because you don’t have a personality. Could you answer that, but before you do, have Barry Alvarez move away so we can be sure he’s not just manipulating your body?

Doesn’t it piss you off when Barry looks at you and says “I would have done it differently” no matter what you do? Eating lunch, coaching, looking at the Nebraska site for the next thing to rip off?

James Franklin, Penn State:

What’s it like with Al Pacino acting like JoePa around campus? What’s he tried to cover up under your watch?

Are you still dodging questions about what happened to kids you recruited at Vanderbilt, or have we hit the statue of limitations?

Does your defense plan on shutting anyone down this non-con? Or will Pitt be able to hang 42 on you again?

Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern:

Will you be using the extra B1G TV money to actually buy grass seed for Ryan? Or will you finally break down and put FieldTurf on it?

Is it harder to get good union help in Chicago lately?

What advice would you give Clayton Thorson as he gets ready to become this year’s overhyped Quarterback that underachieves, yet Todd McShay pimps for the NFL Draft. Will you bring in Mitch Leidner to help with that?

Are you quietly jealous that Chris Collins accomplished something? You know, in the role that they’re gonna make the Basketball arena look more than a glorified HS stadium?

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa:

Has your son calmed the fuck down yet?

When you ask Tanner Lee about that extra year of eligibility, do you just want a shrug as an answer, or fully expecting laughter?

When you start the season 0-2, are you just gonna giggle louder when the direct deposit hits the bank?

Jim Harbaugh, Michigan:

How many times have you made a small child cry?

How much whole milk can a man drink and still enjoy a tomahawk ribeye & creamed spinach comfortably?

How are you working suspenders into the game day outfit? And who would sponsor them, Meijer, Dominos or Coney Island?

Can you just admit the spot was good and move on?

Urban Meyer, Ohio State:

Are you going to stay at Ohio State long enough to destroy Jim Harbaugh’s psyche?

When Tim Beck finally left, where did you find the Tight Ends partying? Also, did you board up that meeting room, never wanting to use it again?

Was the spot good? You can be honest with us, Harbaugh will never know.

Did you personally call & thank Bob Stoops for quitting in the middle of the summer?

P.J. Fleck, Minnesota

How many boats could a woodchuck row if a woodchuck could row boats?

I’ve seen photos of all those oars Minnesota fans presented, apparently to be shown at TCF Bank Stadium. How many of those small ones did you steal to use for butt paddling?

Talk about all the ELITE hotdishes you’ve tried since moving to Minneapolis.

So, are you going to stay for a few years? Or is this like when you bailed on NIU after one day for a bad job with Tampa Bay & ya boy Schiano?

Mike Riley, Nebraska:

Do you feel like you’ve been taken down a notch in the “nicest guy in America” bit since that Fleck guy arrived in the Big Ten?

Has Bob Diaco just gone shirtless running around the office yet?

Will you be alright when you don’t have to justify the five YOLOBOMBS your Quarterback won’t throw in every game? Or are you still adjusting to that?

What was it like to get five of those extra large Vals pizzas this past week without the preorder?

Tired of pancake feeds yet?