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Corn Flakes: You Too Can Become An Agent of Adidas!

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This one is mostly about our beloved university!

Keyshawn Johnson Adidas

LOOKIT! LOOKIT! LOOKIT!

There’s a job opening that just might be perfect for me! Maybe for you!

You too could be a CAMPUS AGENT at the UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA, spying for Adidas, finding and rooting out COMMUNISTS (Nike/Under Armour lovers, same thing),

Job Application for Campus Agent at Archrival Agents | adidas Campus Agent Program
IDEAL CANDIDATE TRAITS

  • Well-connected to your campus happenings and a wide range of people
  • Passion for sport and the adidas lifestyle
  • Currently enrolled as a full-time student at one of the campuses listed below
  • Energetic, outgoing personality
  • Credibly involved in student-life on campus
  • Self-motivated and possessing an entrepreneurial spirit
  • Flexible hours and ability to make an impact (nights/weekends)
  • Active across multiple social media platforms
  • The ability to work independently with minimal supervision and achieve goals and objectives
  • Fierce attention to detail, extremely reliable and never afraid to speak up

I FIT EVERY ONE OF THESE TRAITS!

I could make an impact on nights and weekends!!!!!

Except that I’m not enrolled as a full time student, but that can be changed! I could go back to school and study for a master’s in something easy like marketing.

I can do this!

Unfortunately, it seems to break down here under RESPONSIBILITIES:

Pitch back ideation around activations and insights on campus

I can see this part of the interview going something like this:

Me: Ideation? Oh, you mean brainstorming? Coming up with fresh, new ideas?

Young Person Interviewer: No, ideation. Something completely different from brainstorming, old person. See, brainstorming was limited in that it never challenged you to use both sides of your brain, and you, old person, are more trapped in one side of your brain more than ever because you’re old. You can’t possibly have new, fresh ideas. You smell of mothballs and Brut.

/Wonders how young person knows what Brut smells like

/Considers that next time I should rub marijuana crumbs on myself to smell young again

Me: I have an idea that involves a whole line of fashion centered around men’s robes as every day wear.

Young Person Interviewer: That is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.

Me: They said the same about pet rocks. That guy became a millionaire. And those guys with the RompHims? They’ve already raised over $220k. Were they ideatin’ or brainstorming when they came up with either of those?

Young Person Interviewer: I think we’re done here, old person.

Me: Remember me when you see the first Nike Robe!

University!!!!!!

Students convert '64 Corvair to cruise via electric motor | Nebraska Today | University of Nebraska–Lincoln
Inspired by an electric vehicles course led by Don Cox, adjunct faculty in the University of Nebraska–Lincoln's College of Engineering, May graduates Arthur Fischer, Eric Peterson and Sam Wildman completed a senior design capstone project by converting a 1964 Chevy Corvair from an internal-combustion engine to full electric power.

I pointed this out a couple weeks ago. This is pretty cool. I’ll bet the other nerd chicks think so too, and nerd chicks are the best chicks of all because they can potentially out-earn you.

Can yogurt each day keep the doctor away? | Nebraska Today | University of Nebraska–Lincoln

Diabetes, heart disease and inflammatory disorders threaten the health of many Americans. University of Nebraska-Lincoln researchers are investigating the gut microbiome in search of answers.

I have had many, many discussions with people recently about the HEALTHCARE CONSPIRACY, you know, the one where the healthcare system, your doctors, nurses, and everyone is purposefully trying to keep or make you sick and then bill you thousands.

There is no healthcare conspiracy. There doesn’t need to be a conspiracy. Everyone knows what foods aren’t good for you, and what are, but they simply choose not to eat them.

Eat some yogurts once in a while, you fucks!

Agpocalypse project highlights food-energy-water nexus | Nebraska Today | University of Nebraska–Lincoln

A research team led by Jeyam Subbiah is working to stimulate interest in the food-energy-water nexus by developing Agpocalypse 2050, an educational video game.

AGPOCALYPSE 2050 - This deserves its own Flakes subject.

I think I know: How institutions can build (or rebuild) trust | Nebraska Today | University of Nebraska–Lincoln

Polls, pundits and man-on-the-street anecdotes suggest that trust in government and its institutions is low.

Hmmm.......

University recognizes Big Red Stars of 2017 | Nebraska Today | University of Nebraska–Lincoln

The University of Nebraska-Lincoln honored Nebraska eighth-graders for their academic excellence, leadership and perseverance May 10 at the Nebraska Union.

Recruiting is completely out of hand.

Drone project a winner for Gering, Nebraska Extension | Nebraska Today | University of Nebraska–Lincoln

A team of students from Gering High School was named one of three national winners in the Samsung Solve for Tomorrow Contest in April. Gering received a $150,000 grant and $20,000 for a local nonprofit of their choice, which was the University of Nebraska-Lincoln's Panhandle Research and Extension Center in Scottsbluff.

Also pretty cool, but one might ask... the town gets $150k, and the students get... SCHOLARSHIPS TO THE COLLEGE OF THEIR CHOICE?

Probably not. SCREW YOU, YOUNG PEOPLE! HAHAHAAHAHA!

Project to make state's electromagnetic survey data available | Nebraska Today | University of Nebraska–Lincoln
The creation of a cloud-based software program will make all airborne electromagnetic survey data available for the state of Nebraska.

NEWS!!!!

Baylor hit with Title IX lawsuit related to sexual assault | SI.com

The suit, which is the seventh Title IX lawsuit filed against the school, alleges as many as eight football players drugged and raped her in 2012. According to the lawsuit, the football team hazed freshman recruits by having them bring freshman females to parties to be drugged and gang raped.

“The gang rapes were considered a ‘bonding’ experience for the football players,” the suit claims.

Because Baylor hasn’t been in the news for a while for something completely heinous.

Baylor football won't get NCAA penalty for sexual assault scandal | SI.com

Will the NCAA punish the Ole Miss football program for the distribution of an alleged $37,310 in cash, goods and services to players and recruits? Sure. The NCAA has rules against paying people for being good at a sport. But it has no rules against any of the awful things that happened at Baylor. States have rules against those things. So does the federal government. The NCAA does not.

Andy Staples has an excellent article explaining why Baylor won’t get punished by the NCAA.

And as much as I hate Baylor, I don’t think the NCAA should be anywhere near this, and I’m skeptical whether college presidents give them any power that would allow it. The NCAA is an incompetent bureaucracy that I’d rather was eliminated or blown up and replaced with something new.

Could Big Ten teams schedule league foes for non-conference games? - Off Tackle Empire
One AD hints that it’s on the table.

Ohio State should be in the College Football Playoff next season - Land-Grant Holy Land
If the Buckeyes make necessary adjustments and get production from certain players, 2017 should be fun.

Then There’s This:

You might want to turn this down if you’re at the office... or.. maybe you’d like to just turn it up.