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Frosted Flakes: Driving In LA, The 405, And The Hell That I Deserve

Southern California Wildfires Forces Thousands to Evacuate Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images

I took a ten-day vacation just now. I'm back. I'm ready to tell you about it. I’m sure you’re excited. I promise this isn’t a slide show.

I didn't mind driving in LA. I didn't. This wasn't the first time that my wife and I had been to LA. It wasn't the first time that we'd taken a vacation. It was, however, the first time we'd taken a vacation as a family since my rotten son was about five years old and we went to Philmont, a Boy Scout camp that is in Cimmaron New Mexico. That trip was amazing, but it was amazing for different reasons. That trip really wasn't a vacation for me – I was in cub scout training all week, but it was a treat for my wife and children. And Philmont is wonderfully beautiful. I was supposed to go on a trek, but my oldest son refused just before it was time and I gave up my space to a good friend so he could go with his sons. The fact that I never made that trek is one of the few regrets I have in my life.

My wife and I stayed in the LA area for 10 days. I have never even conceived the idea that I could take a 10 day vacation. I took time off from work for 10 days one time previous and it was not pleasant. We stayed in an AirBnB in Newport Beach California. Some guy, Steve, rented us his house. I looked up homes in that area, and there was one for sale a half block away for around $1.6M. 20% down payment would be around $320 grand, and the mortgage would be around $6k per month. I make a good living, but Heidi is going to have to leave me for another man if she wants that place.

The house was incredible. It was so incredible I didn’t want to leave… hmm…. Okay, that’s a lie. I loved being there, but, in LA, there is sooooo much humanity everywhere you go.

Focus. Driving in LA. I mostly didn’t mind it. The freeways were fine. Heidi and I arrived on a Thursday, our daughter graduated on Friday. Saturday, I had to drive up the 405 to get my son and his girlfriend and her daughter. Sunday, I had to drive up, again, to get Isaiah (rotten son) at LAX again. I spent a lot of time driving up and down the 405. I even drove all the way up to see that traitorous bastard Ryan Tweedy for a good Italian lunch. Really, though, I drove that far just to see Irina, his wife, who is a sweetheart, because Ryan… well, that shitass isn’t worth that drive.

Driving in LA. I didn’t mind it. People complain about it. The only times I had problems with stress about it is when we were trying to park. We rented a big ass Dodge minivan, which was a really nice vehicle. Is it cool? No. Do I give a fuck? No. I had to haul a family around. The biggest problem was… it’s a lot larger than the car I drive and I wasn’t used to parking.

The worst part of the entire trip was our Star Wars adventure. Isaiah bought everyone… well, not everyone… because apparently he can’t count, but he can do quantum mechanics (DARK MATTER DOESN’T EXIST THEY ONLY INVENTED IT TO FIT THE EQUATIONS). Trying to find a parking place in a garage next to the theatre was painful. People were driving like shits, I’m trying to find a place with the van.. And parts of the garage were blocked off for no reason I could understand, which meant you couldn’t just drive up like you would normally.

I gave up.

I went to the valet.

“How much?”

“10 dollars.”

My mind says “a lousy 10 fucking dollars!? 10 dollars! What the fuck do I care?”

If he’d had said $50 at that point, I’d have taken it, otherwise, we were not going to make the movie. Add that to my angst, and the one thing I hate - my damned kids (I love them, I really do) commenting on my driving when they’re not driving a bigass minivan.


I didn’t mind driving in LA. In Minnesota I would be considered an aggressive driver. In LA, I am just another driver.

I love the 405. I do. If after death I an consigned to drive up and down that highway, I would take it as a place less than the hell that I deserve.


Iowa and Purdue both won their bowl games! You are sooo excited!


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