We don’t know for sure that there will be a press conference on Sunday or maybe Monday to introduce our new head coach and we definitely do not know for sure that said head coach and savior will be former 1997 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP WINNING QUARTERBACK (eat a bag of dicks, Michigan) and current Central Florida Head Coach Scott Frost.
All we do know for sure is that every school with an opening has suddenly dropped interest in
definitely possibly the hottest coaching name out there and every person with actual ties to Frost is doing their respective impression of Charlie Chaplin or the Red October trying to defect. I mean, they’ve gone really, really quiet.
We’ll get carpal tunnel if we continually refresh our screens until Sunday (or Monday), so I’ve enlisted the help of a couple CN Staffers to offer suggestions for ways to pass the time until then. Take it away, gentlemen:
(Disclaimer: If any of these are really stupid & dangerous, but you decide to take us seriously and get yourself hurt or killed? We not only take no responsibility for your injuries or death, but we will also likely write a follow-up column mocking you relentlessly. Maybe more than one. You have been warned.)
CORN NATION’S WAYS TO PASS THE TIME UNTIL
SCOTT FROST THE NEW HEAD COACH IS NAMED
Start a fight in church with a random stranger. Make sure you’re wearing your Santino Panico starter jersey.
Binge watch the first 7 seasons of Game of Thrones and then submit a Fanshot to us detailing all the similarities between Jon Snow and Scott Frost.
Sit down with a fifth of your favorite hooch and watch the 1995 and 1998 Orange Bowls and the 1996 Fiesta Bowl and let the good feelings push out the bad.
Screw rewatching the old games, just go on a bender. I’m not talking some weekend thing, I mean a work-skipping, no-shower, week long hoolihan. Drink from the time you wake up until your eyes shut of their own accord. When you come to sometime next weekend, this will all be over and you can shower, shave and wonder what the fuss was all about.
Single Husker fans of all ages, buy a drink for someone completely out of your league and take a swing with your heartfelt best line. If we are asking the Huskers to play with passion and without fear, should we not do the same???
Invent a drink and name it after yourself. Try many different combos and sip them joyously. Settle for nothing less than perfection.When done, have a friendly bartender whip it up and sample it with you. Bask in the fame.
If you’re sensing an alcoholic theme in the last few, you’d be correct. The bottle is not for everyone, but it helped me through the Riley Era and can help you through this if you let it. They call alcoholism a disease and maybe it is, but if you’re going to have a disease, this is the only one that comes with buffalo wings.
You should all read a good book. People don't read a lot of books anymore, or so I'm constantly told by people I pay attention to who are authors and want you to buy more of their books so they can make a decent living. I'm sure we could come up with some good books in the comments section, depending upon what genre and whether you'd like to read fiction or nonfiction. I'd like to read that new book by John U. Bacon about the Great Halifax Explosion.
You could binge watch the entire Battlestar Galactica series all over again. I doubt you'd make it all the way through by the time this press conference happens, but then again, who knows when it’s going to happen?
You could play the entire campaign of Battlefront II, the latest piece of crap game from Electronic Arts. You'd have to buy it first. Don't do that unless you have money you just want to burn and if that's the case just get a good couple bottles of rum and take Andy's advice about going on a bender.
You could learn how to crochet.
Or you could begin to learn how to play drums. Turns out that the part of my brain that was damaged when I was dead for a while has to do with a combination of motor control and thought processing. It's the caudate nucleus. I was told this by a friend of mine who's a psychiatrist. He said that I could rewire my brain to be better and recommended that I learn how to play drums. I can't tell you how daunting that concept is right now.
You could re-watch this entire season of Nebraska football. You could do that but it would be really masochistic. Maybe you're into that. One thing is for certain – it would make you happier if this press conference turns out the way we all think it will. You will be more overjoyed than if you didn't do this.
It’s sad I didn’t bring up a single damned thing about doing something outdoors. Boy my life has changed.
Well if Jon isn’t going to give you a list of good books to read while waiting for the announcement, then I will! My current 7 favorite books I’ve ever read. Hence this isn’t the list of the 7 best books I’ve ever read, because normally the books that are considered to be “the best” are often torture to read unless you need something to put you to sleep.
The Road - Cormac McCarthy. I’ve read 4 other Cormac McCarthy books and this the best and most accessible read of them all. :
Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand
Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
The First 15 Lives of Harry August - Claire North
Dark Matter - Blake Crouch. If you are into science and in this case the theory of the multi-universes wrapped into a great story this is it.
A Land More Kind than Home - Wiley Cash. Probably not one most have heard of, but I like southern-gothlic fiction
Home Sweet Rome - Scott & Kimberly Hahn
After you have read a good book, if you have no children I would suggest you do the following and let me know so I can live vicariously through you.:
1.Take a nap, whenever you want for as long as you want.
2. Don’t make plans. And then if you have the urge to go somewhere, just do it.
3. Blast some good music at your place that would would otherwise upset children if you had them.
4. Leave sharp knives on the counter in a place that is very accessible to you when cooking.
5. When you wake up to go to work, just dress yourself and nobody else and just walk out the door because you have no other obligations.
6. If you decide to watch a movie at night, turn up the surround sound so it feels like you’re in a movie theater.
7. Just decide to go out on the town without worrying about a babysitter. If you have a few too many your only concern should be getting a designated driver back home.
8. Go for a really really long walk, especially this weekend. The weather should be nice enough that you should be able to take a 2 hour walk. I wish I took long walks when I didn’t have kids.
9. Go workout whenever you feel like it.
10. Get a dog, and treat it well. Not a small dog. If you can’t have a medium to large dog then just get a cat. And treat that cat well.
11. Learn how to grill a great steak. Bring it to room temperature, season it with salt. Wait. Pat dry and season with pepper. Then lightly brush the steak with good olive oil. Grill it. You are welcome.
12. Sit in silence. I’m serious.
13. Sit down and write a short story about that time you became a prince in the town called Bel-Air.