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Bret Bielema and Other Non-Candidates to be the Next Nebraska Football Coach

Who are we not hiring?

Iowa v Nebraska Photo by Steven Branscombe/Getty Images

As coaching vacancies at UCLA and Florida have been filled, it’s becoming clear that the only reason Nebraska’s job is still technically unfilled is because Central Florida is playing for the American Conference championship on Saturday morning. Until the Knights’ season is over, Scott Frost isn’t going to publicly address any of the speculation over his future.

That doesn’t mean that it’s guaranteed that Frost will accept the job next week; Central Florida could still put up a bid to retain him. (Or Tennessee could go ahead and mortgage Rocky Top and offer Saban money to pull their coaching search out of the dumpster fire.) So Bill Moos will need to have his plan “B” - alternatives that Nebraska could pursue. The national media has already thrown a few candidates out there, and once we stopped rolling around in laughter and picked ourselves up off the floor, we thought it was best to address all of that worthless speculation.

Bret Bielema

Why? He’s available, now that he’s no longer the Arkansas coach. He prefers a ground-based attack, which seems to fit with Nebraska’s most successful eras. And he was successful in the Big Ten.

Why not? If you thought Tennessee fans were negative this past weekend about Greg Schiano, you weren’t around Nebraska fans when Bielema’s name surfaced three years ago after Bo Pelini was fired. Suffice it to say that “DO. NOT. WANT.” was the general impression, as Nebraska fans collectively lost their minds for a couple of hours until Bielema stomped out the speculation.

Now, if you think that “BERT” is more appetizing to Husker fans after getting fired by Arkansas...

Mike Leach

Why? Athletic director Bill Moos hired him once before.

Why Not? Please imagine for a second Mike Leach and Lee Barfnecht. Or Dirk. Or Sipple. Or Shatel. Or at a pancake feed. Moving on.

Ken Niumatalolo

Why? HE RUNS THE TRIPLE OPTION, whatever that means. Also, he does well at Navy, which has all those silly restrictions like “after you play for me, we expect military service” which probably puts a damper on recruiting future NFL players.

Why Not? He runs the flexbone, which is based on Barry Switzer’s wishbone. Why would we be traitors to Osborne’s legacy like that? Guy could barely handle Callahan and Riley running pass-based offenses and now you monsters want to run the wishbone?

Jeff Monken

Why? He also runs the “triple option” which I don’t think we understand what that means at this point.

Why Not? Same as above. Additionally, neither Monken or Numatalolo are proven recruiters at the Power 5 level, which Nebraska sorely needs.

Paul Johnson

Why? He built the flexbone offense and he could totally run roughshod over the Big Ten West!

Why Not? Again, why do you hate Tom Osborne, person who wants Paul Johnson? Also, despite being in the talent-rich Gulf region, they’re not consistently successful at running their offense. Funny enough, Johnson’s only ACC championship was vacated by the NCAA which probably wouldn’t go over well with compliance.

Kevin Sumlin

Why? He built inherited a successful winner at Houston. His offenses have typically been fairly exciting. He delivered a fairly impressive win record to Texas A&M despite a conference shift. He managed freshman and future Heisman Winner/NFL burnout Johnny Manziel long enough to wreak havoc in college football.

Why Not? I doubt Nebraska fans would accept Sumlin as long as Scott Frost is available. His firing at Texas A&M for effectively plateauing probably won’t go over well with fans who were ready to move on from Pelini for effectively accomplishing the same thing.

Matt Campbell

Why? He is building a winner at Iowa State. It really is that simple. And he is doing it by recruiting in the mid-west.

Why Not? His buy-out is excessive and Nebraska is going to be paying both Bo Pelini and Mike Riley to not coach at their school.

Craig Bohl

Why? He did a fantastic job running the North Dakota State Bison, winning multiple FCS national titles, and has done an admirable job of fixing up the Wyoming Cowboys. Under him, QB Josh Allen has blossomed into a strong NFL prospect. He could bring back the run game to Nebraska.

Why Not? His team also lost to 2017 Iowa despite having NFL QB Josh Allen on his team. Also, remember when we ran him off last time?

Les Miles

Why? He once won a national title at LSU despite having two losses on the season. His recruiting at LSU was at LSU levels.

Why Not? Despite all of the advantages at LSU, the program suffered from time management issues and dysfunctional offenses, which is basically more of the same thing for Nebraska.

Frank Solich

Why? He’s delivered unprecedented success at Ohio in the Mid-American Conference.

Why Not? We already fired him once.

Joel Penner

Why? Heck of a coaching resume: 6 stops over 16 years, and in his first season at Dordt College, Penner delivered a high octane offense to DC, finishing with the best offense of the Great Plains Athletic Conference. Grant it, they came up a little short this season, finishing 5-5. But 0.5 is better than 0.45, right?

Why Not? Bit of a risk hiring a guy from a D3 NAIA liberal arts school in Iowa.

Lane Kiffin

Why? Born in Lincoln, Nebraska. His FAU team is very fun.

Why Not? As with Mike Leach above, the prospect of Lane Kiffin dealing with our local guys means we would need to invest in popcorn. If you thought Lee Barfnecht was out to take down Eichorst or Riley, just wait until he’s finished writing his angry Lane Kiffin diatribe! On a related note, while Kiffin appears to have matured as a coach, his willingness to poke fun at people at Twitter would probably rub people the wrong way if he’s not delivering national titles. Basically he’d be Bo Pelini if Bo Pelini was a clown.

Bo Pelini

Why? He knows the local area, including some familiarity with the roster and conference. Pelini has shown consistent success at the Power 5 level.

Why not? Oh buddy.

Brock Olivo

Why? He loves his fullbacks as much as Nebraskans do.

Why not? His special teams unit in Denver is a disaster. I get the impression that Husker fans are tired of that.

Jon Johnston

Why? The noble leader that Nebraska deserves. He has lead the greatest Nebraska sports site since the 1920s. The guy is just a winner.

Why Not? It would be hard to lure him away from his current job. Plus he plans on perfecting his Turkey smoking technique. He is known to use crude language as a motivation tool.

[My own pitch... I have great music references, see below, and I am sexier than any coach we’ve had since Bob Diaco. But I have not yet perfected smoking... chickens, yes. Turkeys... No]