Mike: I just heard that Vegas listed “BYE” as six point favorites over the Huskers.
Paul: FFS, Mike, why are we still recycling that joke? lol.
Andy: Like losing to WIlliam & Mary? “Got beat by two players and one of ‘em’s a GIRL! HAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!!!”
Wait a minute? No line on Central Florida - Navy? (Sips rum. Grins with evil intent.)
Greg: I haven’t done this in awhile. And it’s Saturday morning. No pressure.
Cobby: (rubs eyes, throws cell phone, dry heaves) PICKS?? YOU’RE WAKING ME UP AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR TO MAKE PICKS??? I’LL KILL YA’!! YOU HEAR ME?? I’LL -
(more retching noises)
Iowa (-10) at Northwestern
Mike: This is usually the week that Iowa fans start referring to “Just Northwestern”...and then Northwestern pulls the upset. Take the points at least this week, but I’m calling for the upset straight-up. NW 27, Iowegia 24
Paul: I think Iowa wins this one, but NwU covers. Hawks 21, ‘Cats 17
Andy: Like most teams whose athletic departments can afford footballs with which to practice, Iowa found some offense against Illinois (see Nebraska, University of). I’m not expecting it to translate too much to this weekend. It should be a beautiful afternoon for some ugly football. Iowa 26 Northwestern of Somewhere 20
Greg: For some reason, probably my hate of Iowa, I’m going to pick NW and the points. Which sucks, because I don’t like Northwestern all that much either. But...Anti-Iowa Everything.
Cobby: IOWA SUCKS!! LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT AND ITS LIVESTOCK-MOLESTING, SHIRT-LIFTING CITIZENS!! GO PURPLE NERDS! POUND THEM TO DUST AND STUFF THEM IN A FEED SACK!! NW 59 IOWA 3
Indiana (+7) at Michigan State
Mike: Sparty has bounced back nicely, while Indiana has really struggled in conference competition this year, save for overtime last week against a quarterback-less Michigan team. Sparty 31, Hoosiers 21
Paul: This seems to be the year that Sparty got his mojo back. This one is a blowout waiting to happen. MSU 41 IU 21.
Andy: Well damned if D’antonio isn’t righting the ship and the Spartans are starting to believe they will win every close game. Indiana gave Michigan a run but came up short, so I’m going to go historical and say that Bloomington is still a place where the norm is to go into letdown mode when that happens. Maybe if they were from Hickory and Norman Dale was in charge. But alas, no. Michy State 30 Indy 17
Greg: If Michigan is the litmus test for these two teams, you had Sparty on the winning side and the Hoosiers coming up short. I think the spread is a little close in this one, and I’m in line with my associates above me. I call a State win of 10-14 points.
Cobby: EVERY TIME TIME I SEE CRAP ABOUT SPARTANS, THEY’RE LIKE FIGHTING IN METAL SKIRTS. MEN IN SKIRTS CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO COVER! MSU 24 IU 23
Purdue (-9.5) at Rutgers
Mike: This like is set up for the old Purdue. Not this one, because Rutgers is still Rutgers. Boilers 27, Rutgers 13
Paul: Steam engines roll. PU 45 Rutgers 17
Andy: Rutgers just won the I’m Not The Worst Team In The B1G Bowl over Illinois, so season’s mission accomplished for them. While Nebraska enjoys the Bye Week, the Boilermakers get a controlled scrimmage against the flagship B1G member from THE WORLD’S MOST UNDERRATED COLLEGE TV MARKET!!! (Suck it, Delaney)
By the way, how pissed is Rutgers seeing a game on the schedule that actually looked winnable turn into...well, Purdue. Boilermakers 35 Rutgers 13
Greg: This is going to be a game where the hype train (pun intended?) continues to roll on the Makers of the Boilers. Not saying they aren’t a better team, but Rutgers is just that bad. And the Knights may not even make it to double digits.
There you have it...Purdue 31 Rutgers 9
Cobby: RUTGERS SOUNDS LIKE IT’S OLD ENGLISH OR CELTIC FOR ROTGUT. AND A HANGOVER IS NOT HELPED BY LOUD CRANKY TRAIN. NOT ONE GODDAMN BIT!! UPSET SPECIAL HERE!!
ROTGUT 20 TRAINS 19
Michigan (+9) at Penn State
Mike: Captain Khakipants has a quarterback problem...and now has to head into Happy Valley. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Penn State 27, Meechigan 9
Paul: What Mike said. Only I think more like PSU 49 UM 12
Andy: I have Pedophile U. taking this one as well, but Michigan’s defense may be the toughest they’ve faced this season. Paterno’s statue whines and farts uncontrollably as it goes down to the wire but the hillbillies pull it out. PSU 24 Michigan 20
Greg: Plain and simple...Nittany Lions by a touchdown
Cobby: IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT ONE OF YOU BASTARDS FETCH ME A BLOODY MARY AND SOME BISCUITS & SAUSAGE?? MICHIGAN 7 PENN STATE 6
Southern Cal (+4) at Notre Dame
Mike: Wow...everybody seems to be ready to bury the Trojans. Not so fast, because I’m definitely not buying the Irish. SoCal 34, Irish 24
Paul: We have to pick one game which I despise both teams. So on principal, I’m going to go with the Domers 3-0 tie in 10 OTs.
Andy: Time to dig in my pocket for a coin to flip...Southern Cal is soft...is that a wadded up $20 bill??? Shit. Big splat of pocket lint....Notre Dame looks tougher but I wouldn’t piss on their entitled corpse if it was on fire....Seriously? Not one damn coin to flip!...The refs. They’ll get involved. Those Domer, Gipper, gold-hat-loving cheating bastard refs....Oh yeah, I use debit cards for everything. No pocket change....Screw the coin, I can do this.
OK, the Irish kick a 23-yard FG as time expires aided on their last drive by two phantom late hit calls on 4th downs as well as an offsides flag which flies a split second before the original 28-yard attempt slices right. ^$%#@’n Domer Magic in South Bend again. ND 37 USC 35
Greg: Man...Notre Dame is really hated. So I’m going with the Irish to cover. But it will be a good game.
Cobby: IF THERE’S EVER A MASCOT DEATH MATCH, I WANT THAT PANSY IN THE LEPRECHAUN OUTFIT IN ROUND 1. BROKEN BOTTLES AND LITTLE LEAGUE BATS AT 15 PACES! BRING IT ON!!!
(Ed note: Cobby, you’re not the Huskers mascot)
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU, I’M CRAWLING BACK IN BED TO SLEEP THIS OFF. NO ONE EVEN THINK OF BOTHERING ME BEFORE THE 2:30 KICKOFFS!
USC 77 NOTRE DAME -5