It’s been a week. A tedious week that started in hope, met certain failure and ended on hope again. That’s a plot for a great movie. “I Got Spanked By A Tree Nut Twice: The Mike Riley Story”. The name is probably too long for Hollywood and trust me I should know. Hollywood and I are very close.
Mike Riley would be played by Tom Hanks and Tanner Lee by Ryan Gossling. Coach Cav would be played by that Italian director that climbed the seats at the Oscars, in a fat suit obviously. Shawn Eichorst would be played by the bad guy from Billy Madison, I’m not sure his name. Diaco by Fabio, Langsdorf by Matthew McConaughey and Moos by Denzel Washington.
The movie would start with the meeting between Tom Osborne and Solich, the first line of the movie would be “Don’t f*ck this up Frank” as he hands him the keys to the locker room. (In my movie Tom Osborne swears a lot.) Then we see a Title Card that says “...20 years later” and we watch Husker fans jumping off of the top of Memorial Stadium, en masse, like a bunch of Lemmings. Chatelain is puking in the street from all the Chaos, Sipple has blood on his face from trying to give the fans CPR. Tim Miles is like “phew, no one will think about me for awhile”.
We smash cut to “boots that mean business” and pan up to see Denzel Washington (Moos). “No more Husker fans are gonna kill themselves on my watch”, he spits into the ethers. Then there’s 90 minutes of movie and the final scene is us winning a National Championship #69to3 against Oklahoma AND Texas, Iowa disappears forever and no one ever notices (or says the word Caucus again), Saban admits he’s been cheating and Scott Frost, or Chip Kelly, or the Navy Coach becomes president of the world.
It’s a good movie. Maybe even... to good.
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