5-Star Beverage Hawker Commits to Huskers

Janell Hall, Director of Concessions Operations at the University of Nebraska, announced Sunday that 5-star beverage hawker Larry Culpepper had signed with the Huskers.

Photo by Daniel Boczarski/Getty Images for Dr. Pepper

Hall said in a Sunday press conference that:

(The University of Nebraska is) excited that Mr. Culpepper will be bringing his myriad soda delivery talents to Memorial Stadium this Fall. His innovative approach to concessions hawking is well known and we anticipate that he will immediately make a difference in the stands. As you know, Mr. Culpepper invented the College Football Playoff. We couldn’t be more excited.

Culpepper’s signing fills a major need for the Memorial Stadium Concessions Staff. He is expected to start in the East Stadium where the early departure of Brad Steensma to the Kansas City Chiefs as a beer vendor left an unexpected hole.

Corn Nation spoke to Culpepper on Sunday morning. He expressed interest in playing two directions:

I watched the Wiener Schlinger guy when I came on my official visit. I know that soda is my primary responsibility, but I have the skills to go both ways. I used to shoot wieners too, you know. I can do that. But in the end, I just want to bring my skills to Lincoln and use them wherever Coach needs me to use them.

Photo by Gerardo Mora/Getty Images for ESPN

Culpepper’s arrival on campus will bring some changes to Memorial Stadium. Currently, Culpepper is under contract with Dr. Pepper and Pepsi is the current beverage sponsor at the University of Nebraska. Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst briefed the media that:

This is YUUGE and we are going to be the most Dr Pepperest stadium you’ve ever seen. I’m the best deal maker. I always get the best deals. We’re going to go back to Pepsi and get a better deal. You’re going to love Larry. Larry, are you here? Oh, hi Larry. You’re great. I know you’re going to deliver bigly for the Huskers. We’ve got great beverage people, the best beverage people out there. I love the beverage people.

Photo by Eric Francis/Getty Images

Culpepper is the #1 beverage hawker and the overall #1 concessionaire nationally.

Disclaimer: The mothership says we have to remind Iowa fans that this is satire.