FAIRFAX, VA – Recently declassified CIA documents have revealed a secret I-back breeding program at the University of Nebraska.
The documents show that the program, code named OPTION LEFT, used genetic engineering technologies to produce a steady stream of babies genetically modified for super-human strength and speed. OPTION LEFT babies were incubated in a sterile underground lab known as “Area 46” accessible only through a barn located in the Sandhills of Western Nebraska. Funding for the program was laundered through the University of Nebraska College of Home Economics.
Corn Nation has verified that today all that remains is an abandoned barn on the site with a sign stating “This is totally not where mad scientists work. It’s just a barn. Why can’t you weirdos get that through your conspiracy theory-addled brains?”
OPTION LEFT operated for 38 years, from 1962 until 2001 when it was cancelled due to lack of interest. The program was a resounding success, though evidence began to mount that some of the program’s babies may have suffered severe psychological problems as adults. The documents indicate that OPTION LEFT Director Agent Osborne had reservations of approximately 20% of subjects, questioning their mental stability.
One document, written in 1983, references a presumed sister-program code named OPTION PITCH. This heavily redacted document mentions a subject referred to as “TG”. Corn Nation has been unable to discover any further information on this program.
Disclaimer: This is satire.
Disclaimer of the disclaimer: If you couldn’t figure that out on your own then your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Disclaimer of the disclaimer of the disclaimer: Those responsible for disclaiming the disclaimer have been sacked.