Mike: Here we go again, with another round year of making the worst predictions in college football!
Greg: I am so excited for every late kickoff we have this week since I started a new job where I work until 3pm (Central) on Saturdays.
Ranchbabe (Jill): Uneducated guesses! My favorite kind.
Andy: It’s only important that we sound knowledgeable & confident. No one checks these things later. And besides, if I was actually worth half a shit at sports predictions, you wouldn’t be reading about it here. I’d be too busy becoming a cautionary tale about how abusing money made too fast & easy shot me into an early grave with a byline that read, “He was found dead of an unexpected aneurysm with three naked up & coming starlets and - by the accounts of said starlets who were performing unspeakable pleasures upon his person at the time - a big goddamned smile on his face.”
Cobby: I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE MONEY TOO FAST & EASY.
David: Football is back and that’s a beautiful thing. I’m still watching baseball, though.
Joe: I am bad at this.
Brian: I’m still trying to figure out what in the actual hell I saw with Tennessee and Minnesota last night. Oh yes FIRST PLACE AND AL BEST RECORD TEXAS RANGERS Y’ALL.
UCLA (+3) at Texas A&M
Pat Janssen: Sure, UCLA looked like a sieve against Nebraska’s ground game in Santa Clara last season, but that was a battered and beaten front seven. UCLA started guns ablazin’ last season, and that was with a true freshman at QB. I think UCLA is much stronger now than they were at the end of last season, and it feels like the Sumlin ship has started to spring a lot of leaks in College Station. Cuddly Bears 34, Militant Farmers 21
Jill: I’d like to pick the Bruins, but playing at Kyle Field is a b**ch. Even more so since Josh Rosen thinks Aggie fans won’t be all that loud. Note to cocky underclassman QB: aTm fans are slightly unhinged on a normal day. When they’re mad....well there is a reason their fanbase fit right into the SEC (If there was another version of “there” I would have tried to fit that one into that sentence as well). Cotton Molesters 35 Bruins 31
Mike: The fun thing about opening weekend is that we’re all speculating how good or bad these teams are going to be, based on last season. My gut feeling is that Mora and UCLA are better than Sumlin and A&M. UCLA 38, A&M 27.
Greg: My predictions are based solely on how little or how much I like the team(s) playing. I don’t like UCLA, but I like aTm even less. Bear-like Creatures 20, FFA Lifers 13.
Andy: The sporting world outside of Nebraska didn’t put much stock in UCLA’s loss to the Huskers and is hyping the hell out of the Bruins. The aTm, on the other hand, is an unstable batch of nuclear waste ready to pop and blow Sumlin the hell out of College Station. The bookies say aTm by 3. Hmmm. aTm 41 UCLA 34
David: UCLA had a pretty decent team last year, save that lack luster Foster Farms Bowl performacnce, but they were stil just an 8-4 team. Are they gonna be that much better this year? The Corps in Aggie Land will be fired up for this one. Look for A&M to make a statement early and get off to a quick start. I think UCLA comes back though and takes this one right down to the wire. UCLA will have the skill and QB advantage and that puts them over the top: 31-30 Bruins.
Joe: What is an Aggie? No one knows. but they win big 34-17. Josh Rosen seems like a jerk.
Brian: Well, I’ve tried to figure out the whole Josh Rosen lovefest from this past offseason. I get he’s pretty good and such, but I dunno man. The whole “after 50k the sound is the same” statement is kinda odd. Kyle Field is a pretty loud joint and Myles Garrett is across the damn field. Bigger question is what is TAMU going to do with that Offense. Trevor Knight isn’t a bad QB, but you’ll have to remember that this is his first live game with Noel Mazzone calling the plays. Think TAMU prevails on the home field advantage and the fact that one of the three RB’s that the Aggies have on the depth chart stand out.
LSU (-9.5) vs. Wisconsin (at Lambeau Field)
Pat Janssen: I’ll say immediately that I’m comfortable taking Sconnie and the points. It’s a little harder to predict a Badger victory, though. I want to. I want to so badly (even if Badger fans are about as friendly as a bag of pubic hair covered in sulfuric acid). The Big Ten could use a little credibility, and it’s always fun to see some shine taken off the SEC. That said, even if Les Miles seems to be throwing in the towel on the long-term direction of the Tigers, he desperately wants a big season so he can go out in style and leave Baton Rouge waving two giant, stubby middle fingers. And Paul Chryst is Paul Chryst. I think Wisconsin will compete, but I think LSU pulls one out in standard Les Miles fashion. Mike the Tiger 27, Bucky Badger 21
Jill: Ughhh. Prepare yourself for the Big Ten West disrepekt. Mad Hatters 27 Sconny 14
Mike: As much as I hate to see the S! E! C! claim another pelt, I have a hard time seeing the Badgers pulling this one out, even at Lambeau. Especially with Ouranda now wearing purple and gold. LSU 27, Badgers 17.
Andy: That’s a lotta points and Wisconsin has tended to show up for these non-con battles without being embarrassed. The Badgers offense tends to take a poop at times (see 2015 Iowa & NW) but LSU had trouble scoring 20 last year against teams that had a pulse. Fournette is a beast but I’m gonna stick my neck out here and say Wisconsin finally gets over on the SEC. Wiscy 22 LSU 17
Greg: I think the Badgers keep it close until late in the game then do something miraculous and pull a win out of their collective rear ends. Wiscy 31, Tigger 27
David: I have a hard time picking the Badgers in this one. I get that it’s in Lambeau, and that’s cool and all, but LSU is gonna be a tall task. The Tigers have a penchant for not blowing teams out and letting them hang around longer than they should. This is probably a close game late into the 4th quarter, but I think the Tigers pull it out with a little Mad Hatter Magic. Tigers in a physical, close game: 23-21.
Joe: I’m torn. Part of me wants Les Miles to do well, because of his soon to be Husker son and also because he consumes almost as much grass as I do. Actually I’m not torn. F Wisconsin. LSU wins 17-3 in a very boring game.
Brian: One thing that LSU fans do is drink. Another is travel. They’ll get the chance to do that in Lambeau against a team with a very young OL in Wisconsin. Most people will be waiting to see what Leonard Fournette can do against a Defense that doesn’t have Dave Aranda anymore. Meanwhile... oh yea, that’s where Aranda went. Geaux Tigers in this one, and LSU won’t have to use Cam Cameron’s brain more than Fournette Left, Fournette Right.
Notre Dame (-3.5) at Texas
Pat Janssen: The overachieving/underachieving meter could break during this game. I think Texas has a huge rebound year, but I still don’t think they’re good enough to handle a team with Notre Dame’s continuity. A team that’s only had a couple guys kicked off the squad in the last couple years always holds an advantage over one like Texas, where Charlie Strong has had the same scared expression on his face that I had for two days after getting back from Mexico. Strong and the Horns have basically been clenching their buttcheeks out of fear of another player escaping. Best stay by the toilet, Charlie. Team from South Bend I Hate 35, Team from Austin I Hate 24
Jill: Two teams everyone loves to hate. Both teams are still trying to figure out who their QB will be. I don’t anything more than that for either team. Domers 28 Horns 24
Mike: Can’t we get a tropical storm to soak these two teams? Notre Dame is overrated, but the ‘Horns are really overrated. Irish 34, Cows 14.
Andy: Texas & Notre Dame. Why can’t Nic Cage just drop several balls of that VX nerve gas into the stadium as Sean Connery sprays the crowd with covering fire and witty Scottish insults? Nic Cage and America 77 Pompus Shitheels 0.
OK, fine. Domers 38 Beef 10 as the clock begins its 2016 tick to zero on Charlie Strong.
Greg: Both of these schools have had a movie made that involves their storied teams/programs. So my bold prediction of the week is Rudy 100% Fresh, Man of the House 3%...otherwise known as a stinker. But Tommy Lee Jones is deadpan in another deadpan comedy role, in case you didn’t get enough deadpan Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black...or Men in Black 2.
David: I honestly don’t know much about either team. I think Notre Dame is supposed to be pretty good and Texas needs a statement game to get back in the mix for being a power house. They’ve still got their share of talent. Will they make a statement in this one? I think they do. But I don’t think it will be the one they want it to be. They’ve still got a bit of work to do, the Longhorns won’t quite be able to live up to their prodigious reputation. They’ll show a couple of flashes of their talent, but ND wins this one going away: 38-24.
Joe: Rudy was a very over rated movie. Austin is actually an OK town (though vastly over rated by it’s residents- let’s cut the “Keep Austin Weird” stuff OK? I want both teams to lose, so I’m saying one team wins by a touchdown, but that team’s starting QB goes out for the season, so it’s even. Winning team 7- Losing team 0
Brian: This will be a eye-opening test for Texas, as they’re going to try to make one win either set the tone for the comeback for the Horns or the teardown of Charlie Strong. Notre Dame has two studs at QB, but who really knows what they’re going to be like on Defense, given what Texas seems to have in a couple QB’s turned WR.
/flips coin.... ND by a touchdown. I can’t see Texas being that put together that quickly after last season.
Ole Miss (+4.5) at Florida State
Pat Janssen: Gross. Jimbo Fisher at least seems competent at life and not eliciting heavy NCAA sanctions for his school. I’ll take the Noles. FSU 37, Ole Miss 21
Jill: Don’t want to touch this one with a 20 foot pole. Ole Miss has a harder time paying the officials’ mother’s water bill when the game is in Florida than in Mississippi. Noles 26 Rebels 17
Mike: Hugh Freeze’s final season before the NCAA bombs him isn’t going to start well. Free Shoes 38, Free Money for Laramy Tunsil 17
Andy: Ole Miss is learning the hard way. If you’re gonna try & cheat with the big boys, you better win like the big boys and damn fast. Because if you don’t, you’ll learn the hard way that those N-Cee Double A’s are always looking for scapegoats to slap some probation on as proof that they PO-LEECE this shit, brother. If you can’t get in the Top 10, stay there & become an NCAA cash machine? Prepare to drop some scholly’s, Rebs.
FSU 34 Ole Miss 17
Greg: I don’t think Mister Freeze will be able to fire up his team enough to get past all of the off-the-field issues, especially since they learned Tunsil was paid more than them. $EC! $EC! $EC! Give me the Seminoles by three scores.
David: Well, I kinda picked Ole Miss to make it to the CFB Playoffs... But they’re gonna have to do it with a loss in week 1, because I think they’re gonna lose in Orlando. The one thing that gives me a token pause is FSU is the uncertainty they have at QB. If that becomes an issue for the Seminoles, Ole Miss could very much walk in to Camping World Stadium and leave the victors. I think this will be a great game, perhaps the game of the week, I see FSU coming away with the win in an exciting finish: 37-35.
Joe: Doing the picks this week is really reminding me how many teams I hate. These both qualify. Ol’ Miss will be driving for the winning TD. That Stringfellow jerk will catch a long pass for the winning score but then drop the ball at the 3 yard line as part of his early celebration. Ol Miss will ask his mom to give the money back. FSU 30 Ol’ Miss 24.
Brian: Both teams get the old Citrus Bowl to start this game off on Monday night. Too bad they couldn’t send Chris Berman to this one. It’ll be a wet one, and Chad Kelly could be the difference in this game. Florida State, due to injuries, will be starting RS Freshman Deondre Francois. This is a tough game to start in, and it’ll matter in the end. Kelly should be the better QB and that’ll be the difference. Hotty Toddy.
Fresno State (+28) at Nebraska
Pat Janssen: This is one hell of a spread. I have no doubts about the ‘Skers winning. I do have doubts about it being a four touchdown game. A lot of unknowns, and I really hope some of them start to become knowns. Who will provide a pass rush? Will the secondary be improved? Will the ground game be used the way it was against UCLA? Can it be used in the same way with a new O-line? Will I throw up before halftime? Skers 42, Imbred Pooches 24
Jill: This feels like a classic trap game where the Huskers get caught looking ahead toward the Ducks. FSU should not offer much resistance, but our defense may not either. Will we see YOLO Tommy or knocking-safeties-who-try-to-tackle-him-on-their-asses Tommy? DPE terrorized the Bulldogs last time out. I hope he does that again, if for no other reason than to read Cobcast Ryan’s comments in the staff chat room. This game makes the offense look better than it is and the does not assuage any fears about the paper-thin defensive line as the game is closer than it should be at halftime but the Skers finally pull away. The touching Sam Foltz tribute is the most memorable part of the game. Nebraska 55 FSU 24
Mike: The trap game is next week against the Cowboys. Fresno State is, well, not good. Don’t read too much into this one, but hopefully everybody who isn’t redshirting gets some snaps and nobody gets hurt. This isn’t Pat Hill’s Fresno State anymore. Huskers 49, Fresno 10.
Andy: Fortunately, Fresno is still shitty. But I have a feeling that this will be one of those early season first halves that makes the pre-game concoctions start yurking up into the backs of throats. Look for some busted coverages and one or two Tommie balls to send people into the crappers muttering darkly with a 24-21 halftime lead. Huskers patch the D and pull away in the second half & maybe even cover, but the internet will sizzle a little on Sunday.
Huskers 49 Fresno 24
Greg: Well, this is a no-brainer. Huskers 56, Bulldogs 17.
David: This isn’t a trap game. If there’s a lack of focus, it will be due to the emotional roller coaster they’ve been through the past few weeks. I think that will be a rallying cry more than anything. I think NU comes together and plays the best opener we’ve seen from them in quite some time. Vegas miss the boat on this line by a point, so I think FSU covers, barely. NU will win this thing easily: 27-0.
Joe: Big win. 44-10. No details, you will just have to watch.
Brian: Well, time to figure out what Nebraska has a year later. The Offense will go as well as Tommy’s decision making lets it go. The OL is younger, and you’ll see some issues in this game. That being said, I think there will be no problems scoring. Defensively, we’ll see how good Lamar Jackson and that Secondary is, they’ll have problems at Safety due to Gerry being stupid & an injury to Antonio Reed. Biggest issue I see could be how they keep their nose to the grindstone for 60 minutes.
Show me that you learned something and that this game should be over by the time the 3rd Quarter shows up. Nebraska 48, Fresno St 17