As much as you'd like to think that the 2016 Nebraska football season will be the most perfect season ever, you're wrong. There is the guarantee, because of "life", that something bad will happen. It might be a fumble. It might be an interception. It might be the untimely falling down of a defensive back.
But something bad will happen, and at the moment something bad happens, you will take a drink of alcohol and blame it on whatever human you believe caused that bad thing to happen.
Who are the most likely candidates to blame for your drinking problem?
We spent at least five or six minutes coming up with five candidates we think you're most likely to blame your alcoholism on this season:
#1 Tommy Armstrong
Unfortunately, Armstrong has assumed the role of "THAT GUY" and he will continue to play that role until he leaves. This has a slight probability of changing were Armstrong to lead Nebraska to a Big Ten championship game but that won't be determined until the end of this season so you're okay for blaming him for your alcoholism again in 2016.
What to mix with your armchair "I’ve got a stronger arm than THAT GUY" quarterbacking? Can’t we all get a Long Island Iced Tea?
#2 Mike Riley
He's the head Nebraska football coach. Despite everything looking up for 2016, you're still not convinced that he's the right guy for the job and he certainly isn’t the one you would’ve hired, but you’ve been quietly about that lately just in case it’s more convenient for everyone to forget.
After Nebraska loses to Oregon, you'll be loudly letting everyone know that you were right all along while you're chugging a liter of cheap vodka, only to be found later with your pants around your ankles in the front lawn.
Congratulations, new registered sex offender!
#3 An offensive lineman
Alex Lewis is no longer on the team, hence we will need to find another member of the offense of line to blame for every false start, holding penalty or sack... or inability to run the ball. Or throw. And they all look fat. Some may be too pretty.
Why can’t we get guys who look like drill sergeants and block like tanks? That one guy with the peg leg back in 1993 was better than any of these young guys! They’re all wimps!
You know what goes with a failed offensive line play? Cheap American Beer. About 30 of them ought to do it!
#4 That guy in section 343
You know the guy. He's always talking about how he's had season tickets for 463 years, been to every game ever, and owns autographs of every player and every coach that’s ever existed. He has a selfie with every one of them as well, and wants to show them to you at every opportunity. And how does this guy bring a different blonde with fake tits to every game?
We all hate that guy. Be sure to bitch about him at the tailgate while you’re doing another shot of fireball!
#5 Daniel Davie is no longer on the team
Just like Alex Lewis is gone, you don't have a Daniel Davie to kick around anymore. It's time to find someone else in the defensive backfield that we’ll blame for every big play against our defense.
Don’t bother with reason; that the entire defensive line must be replaced and figure out how to play well immediately! Every big play ever is the fault of the defensive backfield! They’re the last guys in the way, right?
The drink of last regret? Jagermeister, of course! There’s no such thing as too much Jager!
As part of our ongoing customer service to Cornhusker fans, CornNation is looking into group rates at several rehab centers around the nation. If you've got a favorite rehab joint you'd like us to contact, please let us know in the comments section.
Thanks and have a nice day!