The eyes of the Big Ten Conference and such will be on the McCormick Place Hilton in Chicago tomorrow. There, the conference Media Days will be kicking off.
While this will be the closest thing we all can get to football before the start of camps in a couple weeks, you’ll get quickly tired of the jibber jabber that most people will come with in stories and quotes.
Well, here at CN, while we’re not heading to Chicago, we’ve compiled a listing of the questions that we would ask all B1G Head Coaches, plus Jim Delaney, the Big Ten Commissioner.
The whole staff at CN came together for these questions. While most of these are in jest, you really wouldn’t mind someone asking this instead of a “talk about” lead in.
Jim Delany, B1G Commissioner:
Do you want to be Emperor of the entire free world, or just Emperor of the NCAA FCS footprint?
When you take over the SEC will they insist they are still the better football and baseball conference or will they just look at your bags of cash and decide that bad baseball is worth the network cash?
Would you say that you “pander like Hillary” more or “say racist things behind closed doors” like Trump more?
These kids huh? Do they know you care while you exploit them for billions of dollars or is that just a front?
Urban Meyer, Ohio State:
When Tim Beck is talking to you, how many times do you have to stifle your laughter and not blurt out “WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?”
Do you know what it means to be “Beck’d”? No really, when something is working really well offensively and Tim tells you that you need to do something different before the opposing defensive coordinator figures it out - do you tell him to go Hell or just “send him out for donuts”?
How’s your heart?
Jim Harbaugh, Michigan
How deep is your assistant coaching pool knowing you’re going to run the shit out of some guys due to working them to the bone on these satellite camps?
Is it true that you just took your shirt off at those camps cause your nipples get chafed like a runner?
Why don’t you just go to Banana Republic?
Did Emperor Delaney make Michigan hire you to piss off the SEC?
Are you on a spectrum? Which one?
Mark Dantonio, Michigan State:
So back to Earth, huh?
What are your plans for Andrew White at tight end? Is his transfer the result of the officials giving Brandon Reiley the benefit of the doubt for being out-of-bounds?
Is Andrew White really going to be your new starting quarterback?
How’s your heart?
Can you produce evidence of you and Bill Bellichek being in the same room together at the same time?
D.J. Durkin, Maryland:
Who are you and what does D.J. stand for?
Is Harbaugh that much of a pain in the ass that you needed to leave for FREAKING MARYLAND?
Is a competition between you and your brother called a Durkin-Off?
Did you get any of those Maryland food stamps from the B1G when you signed the contract?
Chris Ash, Rutgers
How is coaching in a dumpster?
Really, how is it? Do you think this job will eventually get you the DC gig at Ohio State?
Chris Christie, huh?
At least you’re not at Baylor, right?
Kevin Wilson, Indiana
How is the basketball team going to do this year?
How long until Nebraska evens up that series with the Hoosiers? 2030 or earlier?
Do you wish Andrew White had transferred to you program at tight end? How did it feel to lose out to Dantonio for him?
Is Ekeler still living in the parking lot of the athletic complex?
Who’s Diana and maybe you should get out of her?
Who will give up more points per game this season, the football team or basketball team?
Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern
Where the fuck is that Quarter Safety supposed to be anyhow?
Jordan Westerkamp. No question, just that.
When are you going to hire Ron Kellogg as your offensive coordinator?
I know I could just google this but are you single?
Remember that time when Ron Kellogg like scrambled around and stuff and then like threw that pass and stuff, and then Jordan Westerkamp caught it for a touchdown at the last minute? Man, that was awesome.
Lovie Smith, Illinois
You do realize the last time someone in this conference took a HC who lost the Super Bowl and hired him, it failed miserably right?
You took this job understanding that Illinois was really bad at football, right?
Yes, they beat Nebraska.
Did that make you think they were not bad at football?
Who has a name like Lovie? Follow Up: Will you name your kid Lovie Jr? Or Lovie Too? Have you thought of other options such as “Huggie, Kissie or Fuckie”?
Kirk Ferentz, Iowa
When is your agent going to re-negotiate a new buyout? I mean, 2015 should have bought you another 20 mil, right?
Or did you trade any future humongous buyouts for a De’Mornay Pierson-El injury?
I thought so.
How do you wake up every morning and deal with that smell? And then have to go outside and smell Iowa too.
Do you have to get an art student to draw pictures of things so that your players understand what you’re saying to them? Or do you just let anybody draw them.
What’s your favorite Iowa joke, and do you understand any of them?
James Franklin, Penn State
Who are you?
Are you ever going to be good enough that alumni sign petitions to get your statue out of storage?
Oh, you don’t have a statue?
Did you talk to that Hristen Chrakenburg recruit? He might have some eligibility left.
How does it feel to be more reviled by your fanbase than a guy who housed a child predator?
Paul Chryst, Wisconsin
What’s it like to have your athletic director secretly coach your team every Saturday?
Now that Nebraska sucks, why is your athletic director still copying them?
Have you ever thought doing research on a phenomenon in which coaches continually get jobs way above their talent level because of one really good season as an offensive coordinator with a transcendent quarterback (say, Russell Wilson) and calling it the Chryst Complex?
Tracy Claeys, Minnesota
What’s your favorite flavor of Dilly Bar?
How long of an extension do you expect to get if you get the team to a bowl game?
How does it feel to get the head-coach gig just because you were the person who second-most resembled a gopher next to Jerry Kill?
Have you ever thought of purchasing a bunch of pigeons so you could have Claeys’ pigeons?
Darrell Hazell, Purdue
Seriously, how bad were the other candidates that allowed you to hire Ross Els?
Did it make you wince when you realized that you may have to use color printers for this year’s media guides?
How often do you call your former employers at Kent State? You know, just to see how thing are going.
Admit it, beating Nebraska was the best thing ever for your “Linked In” profile, wasn’t it?
Is it true that you changed your Twitter handle to @NotTheWorstB1GCoachAnymore after last season?
Mike Riley, Nebraska
How much will you and Danny Langsdorf weep when you see the amount of wide receiver talent squandered in the NU/Oregon game?
What did Tommy Armstrong say when you asked him about a potential shift to defensive line?
Are the ashes of the Purdue and Illinois game plans from 2015 kept in a prominent location in your office?
Would you be willing to hide a gun in your desk? Allegedly?
Have you seen Through These Gates yet?
How about the Big Red Cobcast? You given that a listen?
How many running back recruits think you are catfishing them when you call them?
How hard did you have to push back when Shawn Eichorst asked you to hire Larry the Cable Guy as an assistant coach over the winter?