POKEMON GO GAMERS WREAK HAVOC AT MEMORIAL STADIUM AS REPORTED ON BY A GROUCHY OLD MAN

Last night massive numbers of miscreants were allowed onto the hallowed grounds of Memorial Stadium for the purpose of playing a video game on their phones, apparently chasing imaginary creatures as apparently required by a new game called POKEMON GO.

I don’t understand how this is allowed to happen. Aren’t there enough other places for young people to go besides the cathedral that is Memorial Stadium? Shouldn’t they be at home playing these games in the privacy of their bedrooms? Do we really need a University encouraging young people to look at their phones more than they do other people?

People are crashing into trees, falling off cliffs, and then there’s this guy who makes everyone else in the human race seem rational by comparison.

If the Nebraska athletic department knew the Pokemon were there, why couldn’t they chase them off with loud music, noises, or anti-pokemon spray? Better yet, call the people who put them there and tell them to remove them!

What if they're in the bathrooms? You don't want a mirkytwerk to come flying out while Mrs. Johnson is using the toilet! She might end up with a heart attack!

If they’re going to allow this silliness, then they damned well better allow me, Warren Buffet and Bill Gates to have the world’s largest Bridge club take over Tom Osborne Field and when we do there better not be a hookiechoo or a chaleechacha in our way or they’re gonna die.