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10 Reasons To Never Attend Live Events

10 Reasons you should never go... outside, really.

Husker Fans Memorial Stadium Background

Nebraska football season tickets haven't yet all been sold, or we'd have heard by now. There's near-constant talk this time of year that some day Nebraska's sell out streak will end. Most of that talk centers around the idea that people would rather stay home than go to a live event because it's better at home.

That's me. I don't attend many live events anymore. Here are ten reasons as to why. Maybe this will help someone figure out how to overcome the issues for those who chose to stay at home.

[Not all of these reasons are specific to Husker football or Memorial Stadium, but all are good reasons to stay at home forever alone.]

#1 Avoid Having to Deal With Other People

The number one reason to stay at home forever alone is always other people. People are messy things; they don’t always react the way you expect when you’re talking to them, especially if you use humor. They are constantly seeking reasons to be angry and taking personally the tiniest things.

A good friend recently related to me about how a man behind him at a game last year in Memorial Stadium offered to punch him in the face if he didn’t sit down. The man complained that his 14-year-old daughter couldn’t see the game, but my friend stated that the daughter was not directly behind him, nor was she watching the game. She was playing a game on her phone. Nebraska fans might be the best fans in all of college football to other college football fans, but we’re not so great to ourselves.

#2 Avoid Other People Having To Deal With Me

I hate to admit this. I am 54 years old, and you’d think that this part of me would be long gone, but it's not. It’s never gone away, and it’s been the reason that I have a lot of difficulty doing anything in public, whether it’s watching Husker football, or the improv comedy show I saw on a recent trip to Los Angeles.

I get excited and become prone to outbursts.

It’s true. Most people stop being that excited when they’re five? Eight? 13? 30? I don’t know.

Also, I am very loud.

So, I’m at outbursty loud guy. I have gotten myself into trouble when many times watching college football because of the combination. Example: I am watching college football at a bar with a group of coworkers. I am not drinking, but at one point the waitress tells our table she will no longer serve anyone until I leave. She says that it’s obvious I am drunk and that someone else at the table has been feeding me alcohol. She thinks this is because I’m loud but also because this happened in Minnesota where no one understands college football.

I don’t get invited to many dinner parties. That’s okay with me. I might get excited. Then get arrested. And go to jail, where they probably do horrible things to people who get excited.

#3 Replay

If I were honest replay would probably be the #1 reason that I don't like live events as much as I like my own TV. By replay I don't mean ESPN's replays, I mean the ability to rewind the play with my DVR and watch the same play over and over and over and over. This tends to irritate whomever watches games with me, but I'm a selfish bastard and I don't care.

I do this because I want to find the culprit who screwed up on third and short. There’s always one guy, and I can always find him due to my superior football knowledge. Then I let him have it, because he's always been an idiot, will always be an idiot and should be sterilized before he accidentally reproduces.

If I were at a live event, that one guy might hear me. And other fans would hear me. Some of them would say, "Hey, buddy (because everyone is your friend a at live event), your football knowledge is not very superior."

It's best to stay home where I can remain convinced of my superior football knowledge.

#4 The Prospect of Getting Arrested

The prospect of getting arrested is a little bit out of date, but I'm mentioning it for old timey sake. It used to be that whenever I left to go to a live event, I would joke with Mrs. CN about whether or not she had enough cash for bail. Not that I got arrested a lot, but it's always good to be prepared, and I would say that my chances at getting arrested were better than most other people around me because of my boisterous nature.

The new "prospect of getting arrested" is really "being that guy who goes viral on social media". I suspect that this is a fear that many of us have, unless the "many of us" are those people who never get excited about anything, never cheer for anything, and sit still in contempt and judgment of everyone around them. Don’t hate them. They will never put hot sauce on anything, lest they feel. Poor souls.

I know what else you’re thinking. You're thinking "maybe you shouldn't do that thing where you behave badly and cause things to go viral". This is an impossibility. It's an impossibility because we make make snap judgments about everyone and everything in seconds.

Want proof?

You're watching the game and your team is getting destroyed, and they cut to the sidelines and one of your players is joking and laughing with another player and you are instantly angry at that player. You hate that guy. You are completely convinced in that second or two that that player doesn't care about his team as much as you do even though he's the one that works out all the time and goes to class while you sit there at home on your ass eating your favorite mixture of lard and salt from a bucket.

"That guy needs to run at least 3,000 stairs until he pukes his balls out his mouth", you yell at the TV. Then you write an angry post to an online site about what a loser that guy is. Everyone agrees with you.

#5 Concession Lines

Some people might have put the cost of food and beverages here, but I never purchase food nor beverage at live events, and the reason is more because of concession lines than it is because of the cost of said food and beverages.

Do you know how long the line is to my kitchen? It is not very long and it is not very far away. I can go to my refrigerator and it’s stocked with whatever I put in there. I can get myself a Boddington’s Pub Ale, a Guinness Stout, or perhaps a tasty, healthy salad. (You were thinking I was gonna say "gin and tonic" weren’t you? Yeah, well, life has changed. sad emoji.)

#6 Parking

Driving to and from a game in heavy traffic does not bother me. Parking, on the other hand, sucks. There's something about getting out of a parking garage that makes everyone turn into people who believe they have to get out before the building is imploded.

Getting in usually isn't so bad. They do that on purpose. Hey, come in here, it's easy!

Getting out, though, can be an act of homicidal rage. There's that one guy who always thinks there are two lanes in a parking garage and tries to go around everyone. Then there's the guy who can't believe they don't take cash anymore when it's clearly stated on the sign on the way in. Or the guy who can't believe that they only take cash (depends on state, venue), because this is 2016, dammit, who carries cash anymore?

#7 Music

I’m not going to complain about the music in Memorial Stadium. I’m sure I could, and I’m sure that people complain about it all the time.

However if you remember a few years back, the Green Bay Packers complained about the music and crowd noise in the Metrodome. I attended a few NFL games at the Metrodome and going to the place was worse than being at a rock concert.

The music was loud. Extremely loud. There was never a break. If you wanted to say something to the person next to you had to yell at them. I've attended other events that were similar in nature and I really just found them more annoying because of the overuse of pounding music.

There seems to be this need, no matter what the event, to fill every single moment with something. I could be music, it could be a trivia game, but it's as if they're worried that if you are not entertained for a single second that everything has gone wrong and everybody will leave.

While I'm at it, do we really have to hear Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ one more time? The first 23,032,233 times weren't enough? There aren't any other songs you can play besides that and anything by the Rolling Stones?

I love music, but I don't wish to be treated to the same damned music I've heard a bazillion times before. I realize that I might be different than most.

#8 Quality of Opponent

The 2016 Nebraska football season includes home games against Fresno State, Wyoming, Oregon, Illinois, Purdue, Minnesota and Maryland. This isn't exactly a murder's row of home games. I know, I'm rooting for a team that went 6-7 last season, and I shouldn't be complaining.

During the Tom Osborne era we were treated to regular blowouts against Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State - everyone but Oklahoma, basically. Nobody minded. It's fun to repeatedly crush the hopes and dreams of your enemies and send them home weeping like tiny children who get no cake on their birthday.

Just ask those cheating bastards from Oklahoma.

Any Husker fan would take that dominance back in a heartbeat, which in a way is a sad reflection on our existence.

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. - Mad World, Tears for Fears

The funnest games are those from which you believe you might die. Nebraska's comeback against Ohio State in 2011

might be the best game in the history of Nebraska football. It didn't lead to a title in anything, but by God it was glorious. 1997 Nebraska - Missouri with the flea-kicker was the go-to game I used to watch at this time every season until the VCR died (leaving myself open to "old man" criticism there).

#9 Public Bathrooms

I don’t even know what to say about this. I am confused. Perhaps it’s best to avoid the whole situation.

I'm not talking about the recent broohaha that was a national distraction in politics.

I'm talking about germs. They're everywhere, and they're worse than other people. Who knows where you're going to get infected by the flu that undoes the entire world? Did you know that the zombie apocalypse is more likely to start in a public bathroom than anywhere else in the world?

This is why skyboxes are so exclusive and so expensive. They don't have germs, or so I'm told, because rich people don't have them either. Just ask them.

My bathroom at home has tons of germs, but they're my germs. They're on my side. Watch yourself should you come to my house, and bring your own damned hand santizer.

#10 Live Events Are Expensive

If I were a 20-something, this would probably be #1. I am not a 20-something. I am not independently wealthy, but I’m sure as hell not poor. Nevertheless, the bucket is not endless. We all have to live on a budget.

I marvel at people who are willing to dole out dollars for a season ticket along with their seat donations, a concept that is not unique to Nebraska, but seems to be prevalent amongst any sport where you want to buy season tickets.

Were I a really good Old Guy writer, I would complain about how "back in the day" we could watch a game for a quarter, buy a full meal of steak and potatoes for 50 cents, then head home after picking up a six pack of beer for 99 cents.

The cost of live events shouldn't be that shocking, really, I just chose to not support it as much. I wish they were cheaper, but everyone wants to make $15 an hour but no one wants to pay $10 for a Big Mac.

I am not any different than the rest of you in that regard.

Others Receiving Votes:

Sightlines (Can’t see)

Bad seating (which I don’t think exists in Memorial Stadium, but certainly does in others)

Food and Beverage Cost

I Am Lazy

That sonofabitch Van Owen who blew off Roland’s head