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Big Ten Baseball Weekend, Human Helium Production

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It's going to be a wild, exciting finish to the Big Ten baseball season. And what if human beings could produce their own helium? Wouldn't that be exciting?

Oktoberfest 2015 - General Features Day 1
That man should be flying.
Photo by Philipp Guelland/Getty Images

Look at the standings this week!

Indiana took over the top of the conference after winning their series at Minnesota while Michigan swept Rutgers, and Nebraska won their series at Michigan State.

This Weekend's Schedule:

  • Illinois at Indiana
  • Penn State at Nebraska
  • Rutgers at Maryland
  • Minnesota at Purdue
  • Michigan State at Iowa
  • Michigan at Ohio State
  • Cal at Northwestern

There are two weekends left in the regular college baseball season, and as you can see, there isn't much that separates the top teams. Let's assume that Nebraska wins their series against Penn State, Indiana wins their series against Illinois, Michigan wins the series at Ohio State and Minnesota sweeps Purdue.

That would put next week's standings like this (projections)

15-5 Minnesota

15-6 Indiana

14-6 Michigan

13-8 Nebraska

13-8 Michigan State

and then next week you get:

  • Indiana at Nebraska
  • Ohio State at Minnesota
  • Michigan State at Maryland
  • Michigan at Illinois

In other words, a helluva finish to the Big Ten baseball season.

RPIs This Week (Boyd Nation):

  • Michigan #28
  • Minnesota #33
  • Nebraska #44
  • Michigan State #54
  • Maryland #62
  • Illinois #64
  • Rutgers #75
  • Ohio State #87
  • Indiana #97
  • Iowa #103
  • Penn State #107
  • Northwestern #261
  • Purdue #280

(Creighton dropped from #21 to #34 this week. Ha!)

Minnesota is the only Big Ten team ranked this week by D1Baseball, and they're ranked at #25, while Michigan is the only team ranked by NCBWA at #19.

This week's D1Baseball Field of 64 projection includes Michigan, Minnesota, Michigan State and Nebraska replacing Maryland.

Balloons

Does everyone feel like the balloon thing has been discussed enough? I wrote about it back in 2014 and how that tradition should go away but I just wanted to make sure you are all able to read it. My feelings on the matter haven't changed. It's not about the balloons themselves, it's about the helium, which is a nonrenewable resource. It's not like we can make more helium by eating beans and cabbage.

But then it hit me - what if we could?

What if we could produce helium by eating beans and cabbage? Would somebody 2000 years ago have invented the perfect recipe where man might fly by the process of eating beans and cabbage? Could the whole evolution of mankind changed by this simple chemical process?

"Not so", said my 17-year old son. "Our stomachs would explode."

"Yeah, but if that chemical process were changed, it's possible that the entire evolutionary process was also changed to allow us to have flexible airbags for stomachs."

So unimaginative, that boy.

We might be discussing a different microbrew process right now were that true. Our whole methodologies behind travel would have changed. Think of all the people in the air at one time; this could be like Harry Potter but without the brooms. There would be sports we'd never even thought of before.

The phrase "ran out of gas" would have an entirely different meaning:

"Honey, Jim won't make it in time for supper. He ran out of gas over Cleveland."

"My God, is he okay?!"

"No, he was able to crash land in a lake, but his phone and laptop were ruined."

Alas, we cannot create helium from beans and cabbage. We don't even have flying cars. So here we are, leading miserable earthbound lives, spending too much time wringing our hands over an aged tradition that wastes one irreplaceable natural resource for a few moments of us subconsciously pining for the sky.

As we watch the balloons sail away, does it ever occur to us that if we cannot let go of this one simple ritual solely because it's labelled a "tradition" then how will we save ourselves when everything else has disappeared as well?

And if that doesn't work, here's a video of a cop rescuing a gosling (A BABY GOOSE SINCE YOU PROBABLY DON'T LIVE WHERE GEESE DO) whose legs were tied up by a balloon string. Maybe it was a Nebraska balloon string. Maybe it wasn't. We'll never know. The wildlife can only shriek in anguish as they're dying.

(SARAH MCLACHLAN'S I Will Remember You is playing in the background right now and we fade to black and then to the next segment.... )

NEWS

Dicks

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Damn kids. If they all turn out screwed up, it's their own fault. It's not like we put a gun to their heads. (Isn't this what we commonly hear about millenials?)

Then There's This:

Texas GOP to debate secession on convention floor - Houston Chronicle

Who hasn't seen this coming? WHERE'S ALL THE CONFERENCE EXPANSION TALK AT ABOUT NOW?