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Smart TVs: Likely To Commit Suicide During Football Season?

Smart TVs, no doubt,ready to die.
I wonder if I could kill them all at us.
Photo by Adam Berry/Getty Images

[In order to avoid parts of this article being filled entirely with profanity, I have edited it all out. You are invited to use your imagination.]

Unlike what I would guess to be most of you, I have yet to purchase a great big brand-new high definition Smart TV. I’m still watching my beloved Nebraska football on a 37-inch TV that by today’s standards is pretty dadgummed small. Year by year as I get older my eyes get worse; I can no longer see the linemen’s numbers and I realize that it’s time for an upgrade.

The problem is - anything in a suitable size, say 50 to 60 inches, is now a "Smart TV". I would prefer to purchase a stupid TV but it appears that those are very difficult to find anymore. A stupid TV is preferred because I don't know if I care so much about having a TV that needs to be connected to the Internet. I am fully aware of the "internet of things"; my IT background tells me that it’s a marketing strategy to convince all of you innocent, non-IT people to purchased overpriced "Smart" devices that are supposed to make your lives better but will only result in increased costs as you fill your internet bandwidth with crap you do not need.

Our internet at home frequently sucks because we have too many things attached to it - game consoles of every kind, laptops, phones, an Amazon Echo - probably some devices I do not know about. I know it sucks because my sons keep telling me that it sucks and they’re generally very reliable sources of information. Their games lag, and there's nothing more frustrating than being constantly killed when you can't do anything about it besides sign off and study more English comprehension and who wants to do that? (Sometimes I weep at the tragedy of their lives, but I do not upgrade our bandwidth because I am cheap, evil, and un-American because I wish to avoid debt.)

Ultimately, it’s not the bandwidth I’m worried about. Nor is it the ability to keep the Smart TV connected to wifi, a growing problem now that the neighborhood contains 23 different wireless networks in range all contending for the same channels and frequencies.

The biggest reason I am apprehensive about buying a smart TV is that I am not entirely certain of its mental stability.

It’s true.

I yell horrible things at my existing TV during husker football games, horrible things that would make a sailor blush. I am extremely loud and yell with intent to kill or maim with my voice. It’s one of the reasons that I don’t go anywhere to watch games.

I am certain that if I were to buy a smart TV that it will only last a few minutes into the first Husker football game. My new TV will hear things like "you're too stupid to be alive" or "my mother wouldn't have made that call" or "you are the dumbest thing that has ever existed in the history of any universe" or the truly evil "you might be fit for public office".

It will hear these vile things after first hearing all the praise that comes with being a shiny new toy. Imagine the first few minute of its life with my family.

"You are so beautiful".

"You are so sharp and crisp and the colors are so bright, how did we ever live without you?"

"You are so huge!"

Hearing all these nice things will of course set its psyche up to be destroyed when all the hate and anger comes spewing out during football season.

Perhaps it will be strong and make it through the first game, but sooner or later it won't have a choice but to begin a downward spiral as my desire for Tom Osborne-like perfection from every Nebraska football team is too heavy a burden to bear. Smart enough to realize that college football is what triggers the negativity, it will begin showing football at a lower refresh rate. It will blur the screen, especially in key points during the game. It will do these things in hope that I quit watching college football and go back to reruns of Invader Zim or any other show that might make me happy and full of laughter.

It will do these things out of a desire to be loved again, but also from misguiding programming that has told it humans desire happiness when really most of us enjoy being angry.

Unfortunately an inability to watch Husker football in high definition bright colors will only infuriate me more leaving my new smart TV to realize that it can either take its own life to escape the constant negativity or wait until I destroy it, probably by running it through with its own remote. Once it's dead and gone, I'll stand up and scream "Not so smart are you now, peanut butter lover!!!*", and dance until I realize I'm going to miss the rest of what ever game I've been watching.

I wonder how many TVs I'll have to go through before I realize that my words can kill. I could be kinder, gentler, and say nice things more often even when Danny Langsdorf is repeatedly calling the wrong plays on third and short.

It doesn't cost anything to be positive, or at least not as much as being negative, and people like being around others who are positive. That’s really why I watch the games alone - most people who watch a game with me once never want to do it again. How much cost will I bear before I realize that it's me that has to change, if only so I can watch my beloved Huskers in bright vivid high definition giant-size color.

That’s why I have not yet purchased a fancy new smart TV; I realize that I will probably be buying many in succession. Oh, that I could only become a kindler, gentler me!!

*"Peanut butter Lover" is not really the phrase I’d use here.


Aiming for boosts in enrollment, graduation rate, Green says 'great days ahead' at UNL - Education

Boosting enrollment by 40 percent. An 80 percent graduation rate. Raising Nebraska’s top 50 standing among the nation’s major public research universities.

Interesting goals from the new guy.


LOOK: In California with Husker Beach Volleyball | Hail Varsity
Whoooeeee! Photos of girls in the sand!

Huskers Fall Late to No. 1 Michigan - - Nebraska Athletics Official Web Site

The Nebraska softball team went toe-to-toe with No. 1 Michigan for the third straight game, but a two-run seventh-inning homer powered the Wolverines to an 8-6 come-from-behind victory over the Huskers in the series finale in front of 1,311 fans.


Huskers Take Series, but Drop Finale to Northwestern - - Nebraska Athletics Official Web Site

Lincoln – With a series victory already secured, the Nebraska baseball team (22-10, 7-2 Big Ten) was unable to complete a sweep of the Northwestern Wildcats (8-24, 2-7 Big Ten) on Sunday, as the Huskers fell 11-3 at Hawks Field.

Erstad said he didn't prepare them properly. Did they need their diapers changed?  Either decide you're going to be a big boy and win a championship or GTFO. Do you not remember the pain of how last season ended or not? DO YOU REALLY NEED TO BE PREPARED BY DAD BEFORE EVERY GAME?

I realize it was just a line by Erstad to take responsibility for the loss, but... you have to wonder that since they'd taken the series that they let up and played really crappy baseball, and that's not the way to win anything worth winning.

Northwestern baseball drops two of three to Nebraska over weekend - Inside NU
Only a rout of the Cornhuskers on Sunday afternoon saved the Wildcats from another Big Ten sweep.

Maryland sweeps Ohio State with another walk-off win - Land-Grant Holy Land

The Buckeyes surrendered three runs in the bottom of the ninth as the Terrapins got another walk-off winner.

Swept. Wow!

Illinois WR Mikey Dudek Out For Season With Torn ACL - The Champaign Room

Dudek had the same injury to the same knee last year.

This really sucks.

Kyle Schwarber out for season with torn ACL - The Crimson Quarry

An awful break for the former Hoosier and rising Cubs star.

Not a MLB fan, but Schwarber was amazing to watch in college. This sucks for him, too.

2016 Purdue Spring Football: Jersey Scrimmage - Hammer and Rails
The offense is undefeated in the jersey scrimmage under Darrell Hazell, so Hazell is at least undefeated somewhere.

Minnesota Football Spring Game: Gold Beats White 19-7 - The Daily Gopher
Quick thoughts from today's Spring Game.

Shaw: "Satellite Camps" Don't Make Sense "When Only One Person In Entire State Eligible" For Stanford - Rule Of Tree
Some seemingly arrogant statements from Stanford's head coach but actually make a lot of sense in context...

Alabama high school coaches disagree with satellite camps ban
Nick Saban doesn't speak for all football coaches in the state of Alabama when it comes to the NCAA's ban on satellite camps. ...

Michigan’s Khalid Hill rips NCAA’s decision to ban satellite camps " Big Ten Network
Like, Michigan tight end-turned-fullback Khalid Hill. Read Hill’s full tweet about the topic at the top of this post.

On Banning Satellite Camps | mgoblog
Harbaugh is still working harder than your coach. Your coaches who are making six- and seven-figure salaries on the backs of unpaid labor. They are going to sit in a circle and go "LOL remember that time we stopped Harbaugh from working" as Harbaugh invents new ways to torture his enemies.