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MY COLUMN: NEBRASKA FOOTBALL SHOULD GO SPRING PRACTICING AROUND AMERICA

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THE THINGS I KNOW ABOUT WHERE WE SHOULD GO, AND THE THINGS WE SHOULD DO.

Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images

COBBLESWORTH HERE. HOW YOU BEEN.

THIS TALK OF WHERE JIMMY HARBAUGH IS TAKING HIS NOMADS OF THE TEAM UP NORTH THAT CAN'T BEAT UTAH MUCH LESS OHIO STATE GOT ME TO THINKING.

MIKE RILEY SAYS IT'S NOT CHEAP TO TAKE THOSE NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS AROUND AMERICA TO SPRING BALL. WELL I SAY HORSEPOOP AND APPLESAUCE.

MY CRACK TEAM OF LIQUOR SALESMEN AND MYSELF CAME UP WITH SOME GOOD PLACES THAT THE CORNHUSKERS SHOULD HEAD OFF TO, BUDGET BE DAMNED. IF IT'S A BIG DEAL, HAVE A DAMN PANCAKE FEED.

OF COURSE, I'M COMPLETELY OPEN FOR RADIO INTERVIEWS FOR THIS TO FILL YOUR DRIVE TIME MONDAY, MIKE WELCH. #MUSTCREDITCOBBY.

-NICK SABAN’S FRONT YARD! LET HIM KNOW THAT WE’RE COMING FOR THE THRONE AND THAT NO TRESPASSING LAWS OR NCAA VIOLATIONS ARE GONNA GET IN OUR WAY. IF HE THINKS THE LANE KIFFIN RUMORS ARE TOUGH TO SWALLOW WAIT UNTIL HIS DAUGHTER’S FIND ABOUT DICAPRIO BOOTLES.

- WELL IT’S OBVIOUS WE WANT TO BE CLOSE TO THE BOOZE. I SAY SPRING BALL IS MOVED TO BALLINDALLOCH, SCOTLAND, SO I CAN KEEP MY SUPPLY OF GLENLIVET SCOTCH FULL. AND WITH ALL THOSE PRACTICES IN THE MOUNTAINS, WE’LL BE READY TO GO TO BOULDER AND BEAT THE HELL OUT OF THOSE BIG 12 WANNABE RIVALS. WHAT YEAR IS IT?

- OR MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST HEAD TO DENVER OURSELVES? THEY’VE BEEN STARVING FOR DECENT COLLEGE FOOTBALL EVER SINCE BILL MCCARTNEY’S DAUGHTERS CAME OF AGE. BESIDES, WOODY PAIGE AIN’T GONNA LAST UNTIL THE BUG RED PLAYS THE PUFFS.

- OMAHA: I KNOW, WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE POINT OF TAKING EVERYONE AND JUST GOING 50 MILES UP THE ROAD? WELL, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT, CREIGHTON BASKETBALL TAKES TIME TO FOLLOW, MUCH MORE THAN NEBRASKA FOOTBALL. THOSE COMBO FOLKS WILL APPRECIATE THAT AND WILL SHOW UP, BOX OF FRANZIA IN TOW. WE COULD EVEN HAVE IT AT UNO OR WHATEVER TREV CALLS IT THIS WEEK. HEARD THEY USED TO HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM THERE, BUT IT WAS DITCHED FOR A HOCKEY/SHOOTYHOOP ARENA THAT DOUBLES AS A BOAT SHOW DESTINATION.

- WYOMING OR BUST BITCHES!! THINK ABOUT IT. THAT BACKSTABBING BOHL HAS BEEN STEALING ALL OUR WALK-ONS BY OFFERING THEM SCHOLARSHIPS TO PLAY IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. IF WE GO NOWHERE TOO, WE PROTECT THE MOST SACRED PART OF HUSKER FOOTBALL - THE FULLBACK. DO YOU WANT THE NEXT ANDY JANOVICH TO BE A COWBOY?!? I DIDN’T THINK SO. BESIDES, THE WOMEN IN WYOMING ARE SUCKERS FOR "GRAND TETON" PICKUP LINES.

- IT’S NOT A PLACE TO WHICH WE SHOULD GO, BUT A DIFFERENT TIME. FIRST, WE MOVE FORWARD TO NEXT DECEMBER SO THAT WE CAN WATCH THE 2016 SEASON, FIGURE OUT WHAT DIDN’T WORK THEN GO BACK TO

CALL PLAYS THAT WORK, FIX THE LEADERSHIP THAT ISN’T THERE, AND NOT RUN THAT FAKE PUNT AGAINST WISCONSIN.

AS EXTRA INSURANCE AGAINST A BAD SEASON WE’LL BE BRINGING IN THE BEST JEDI MIND EXPERTS WE CAN FIND. TIME WILL SLOW. SPACE WILL BEND. DEFENSES WILL BE FOILED.

"THESE ARE NOT THE INTERCEPTIONS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR."

PREPARE TO BE AMAZED.

THIS IS A PARODY. CHILL OUT CHICAGO SUN-TIMES.